Writer's note: I'm interrupting a particularly scintillating episode of Judge Hatchett that deals with the supernatural to watch this, so it'd better be good. And I'm sick. So I might be a little mean. Forgive me.
Previously: LeeAnne Locken visited "Queen of Charity World" Heidi Dillon. Cary Deuber and her husband, Mark Deuber, go PG-13 for a photo shoot. Tiffany Hendra approaches rocker husband Aaron Hendra with an idea for a charity concert, starring him. Bryan Redmond walks away from dinner with Brandi Redmond.
We kick this one off at Toulouse, a French bistro, in Dallas with Tiffany and LeeAnne. Hey! There's Heidi, all glittery and living her life like it's golden with a big old dookie chain with a big old dollar sign pendant. Wait. I have to stop laughing first. OK, I'm typing again. But I'm out of breath. And wait, I'm laughing again.
She gives the other two gifts in Hermes bags: "Don't get excited; they're really not from Hermes." She's had T-shirts made for them. She explains that she calls her girlfriends "skanks." The T-shirts read: "Skanks of Dallas." I can't roll like that. Not even for the Queen.
Tiffany confesses: “LeeAnne calls herself Heidi Dillon Jr.” And then we cut to Heidi, who says she’s just a simple person. Heh.
So, Tiffany proceeds to ask Heidi questions and get advice about breaking into charity. Heidi tells her to donate anonymously to the stuff she loves. And then they talk about Tiffany’s upcoming benefit. Tiffany says it’s on a school night, Tuesday. But Heidi thinks it could be a big event because people love the art angle and when you add children, well …
Tiffany isn’t even trying to front: “It’s really important to put on this charity event because Aaron will feel like he gets a foothold here.”
Heidi says she’ll get involved. LeeAnne says Heidi is her gift to Tiffany. Stunned.
LeeAnne is messy, too. When Heidi says she wants to meet some more of the people and that she’ll throw a dinner party, LeeAnne snarks that she should invite Stephanie Hollman and Brandi. Smug smile. There’s no method to her madness. I don’t even understand. You already know you don’t care for them. Why do you need Heidi to co-sign on it?
LeeAnne wants to see how they react in her “inner circle” and thinks it’ll be nice to get an assessment of them that’s not her assessment. It’s a setup.
Tiffany says that Heidi will not like Brandi, "I can tell you that right now." Heidi says she'll keep an open mind, but "probably not," based on what she's heard. Didn't we chat about this last week? Hmmm? I know you read me …
Whew. They make me tired. Anyway, Heidi says, “Well, who else?”
And Tiffany says Heidi could go either way on Cary.
And then Heidi calls it like she hears it: “You know, there’s a lot of stories in Dallas … Most of the women in Dallas got their rich husbands because at one point they were on their knees under his desk, right? You know … that’s what I know of Cary.”
Tiffany and LeeAnne at least react. You know how you have that friend that always says outrageous things and all you can do is drop your head in your hands and let silence fill the space? Like that.
LeeAnne indulges: “Nobody delivers the truth like Heidi. Nobody.” In some places, that’s just called rude. This scene has been going on too long. I’m uncomfortable. Please cut to something else.
Lemmon Avenue Surgery Center: The call volume is up and Cary attributes it to the new photos on the website. Of her.
They’re in surgery. And Mark asks Cary, “What day is it?” She “totally forgot” that it’s their anniversary. I love the look one of the nurses gives them. They kiss over the patient.
Brandi is in the car, on the phone with her mom. Brandi’s younger brother, Michael, is “struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder.” He was in the military. And now he’s tried to kill himself.
Brandi pulls up to Casa de Golf Course. She’s subdued as Stephanie tells her about her crazy morning.
They go to sit down. And Brandi tells Stephanie that her brother tried to overdose. Brandi is crying, and the music appropriately stops for a moment. Stephanie hates to see her friend upset.
Stephanie gives Brandi some advice when she says she wishes there’s more she could do: “You don’t have to understand somebody’s pain to just support and love them through it.”
Amen.
Brandi thanks God every day for Stephanie and feels as if she sometimes puts too much on her.
“When I don’t have Bryan, I know I have Stephanie,” says Brandi.
At Clothes Circuit, LeeAnne and Tiffany are looking for something to wear. Tiffany worries that it'll be the first time all the girls will be together since Mt. LeeAnne erupted at Marie's party. Tiffany confesses that she wants to wipe up the "shizzle" before the House of Blues event. Honey, I don't know if Snoop even still says that. Either way, you shouldn't. Ever. You're welcome.
“This might be the bridge for you girls to put everything behind you,” Tiffany supposes.
LeeAnne: “I get it.”
LeeAnne feels like she owes Stephanie an apology “for sure,” but she doesn’t feel that way about Brandi. Tiffany tells LeeAnne about Brandi’s brother and LeeAnne suddenly sees Brandi as human.
LeeAnne says she wants to make amends. Because she’s all about helping introduce Keith Suburban to Dallas, too.
Dr. and Mrs. Deuber are at home. I guess their marriage, after his divorce and her annulment, was the talk of the town. I guess. Methinks these people have an inflated sense of their own self-worth. But people are wrong, says Cary. They are best friends.
Mark takes a call and Cary wants to know who it was. Mark says, “Your stripper.” Cary’s face says it before she does, “No.” Anyway, they talk some more and then Mark goes to the door, saying that it’s here. You can tell Cary’s not really into surprises.
And it's "Taylor [Cooley] is Mark's personal shopper at Roberto Cavalli. For me."
He sure does like to play dress-up with her. She’s like his personal doll. Or, as she says in the opening credits, his "lifetime achievement award."
Anyway, she says she feels spoiled. He says, “You are spoiled,” in the nicest way I’ve ever heard it.
Nope. I’ve heard it nicer. Someone – and I’m not calling any names – once told my mother that I was spoiled. She said that she was going to tell them like my Daddy would have: “She’s not spoiled. She’s taken care of.” So there. I feel you, Cary. Love is what it does. That’s something my Mama says, too.
Dang. I just identified with Cary. I’m taking a break.
Cary is thinking about cost per wear, saying she’s going to have to wear it about 50 times. Mark says, “You’d better.”
The dress cost him more than his first car.
Cost per wear = cost of dress/times worn. Apply it to everything you own to see if you’re doing it right. You’re welcome. Again.
Cary says, “People can think whatever they want about us.” They’re together, they’re married, “don’t bug me.”
She gives him a card as her gift. And he loves it. Look at them being sweet again.
Brandi is calling Bryan and he actually sounds happy to hear her.
“The dinner with Bryan and I was awful,” she says. “We cannot keep going like this.”
She meets him at Whiskey Cake in Plano. She's feeling "anxious and nervous just to talk with him."
Bryan asks how’s it going with Michael. Good move.
Bryan says he’s sorry and that he wants to recognize that he knows it’s hard on her when he’s gone a lot.
The show rehashes it.
Bryan apologizes again. And says they need to find time to be alone together and rekindle their relationship. Already? Wow. Score.
Tiffany has a potty mouth. That is all.
Lavendou Bistro. Stephanie is walking. She says in voice-over: "I never hear from LeeAnne. So the fact she called me is very odd."
This has some potential.
They greet each other with a hug.
LeeAnne says, “Thank you for coming. … I just want to jump into it. I really do owe you an apology. I should have been better at controlling my behavior.”
Stephanie tells LeeAnne that she hurt her feelings.
LeeAnne brings up her childhood again, saying if you try to hurt her that she’s “louder than the biggest megahorn.” Megahorn? She says “there’s a lot of shame still attached to it.”
Stephanie’s on that high road I hear so much about.
She says that she realizes the apology is more for LeeAnne than it is for her, “but I want to be civil with her because it makes it easier for everyone else, myself included.”
LeeAnne talks about wanting to write her memoirs and go on the speaking circuit.
“The whole purpose of sharing your story is to save other people,” she says. You know the old saying ‘God only gives you what he knows you can handle’? You know he’s right. He was right to give those burdens to me.”
Well.
God forgives, Stephanie doesn’t.
“She’s the most self-obsessed, narcissistic person I’ve ever met. It’s beyond exhausting,” Stephanie says. Girl, you’re telling me?!
LeeAnne invites Stephanie to the Grace Project, the first night of the conference.
It’s the Day of the Light Up Tomorrow charity benefit. Tiffany and Aaron go to Heather, a hair stylist at the Barber Shop.
Tiffany brings up the hair of Jon Bon Jovi, Mick Jagger, David Lee Roth, saying, “You think of all the greats …”
Keith Suburban tells a story about a waiter who told him he looked like a rock star and then came back to tell him that he looks like Miley Cyrus’ dad.
Then Suburban says, “I usually get Keith Urban.”
Tiffany feigns shock: “Who cares? There could be worse people to look like.” I wrote feigns, because she knows like I know. Heck, honey, Keith Urban should be getting royalties for that look. And now I’m thinking about Billy Ray Cyrus. And now you are, too.
Suburban tells her she's the best when she says it's just all about the event. She says, as she redirects him with a kiss, "I'm your pimp." He could be right, because that was a classic pimp move. Will she have a pimp cup tonight?
We're in the Foundation Room at the House of Blues.
And, in only my second real laugh of the night, LeeAnne is so not feeling Tiffany's hair. And Tiffany's not feeling that LeeAnne isn't feeling her hair. And Tiffany dismisses what LeeAnne said by calling her a name, but not to her face. See?! This is the kind of pettiness that the Housewives franchise normally trades in. More, more, more! I'm not saying I'm here for that all the time. But start it there, put some hot sauce on it, shake it up in a paper bag and then tell a white lie or two, propagate those lies and then three episodes later, blow up about it.
Script written. You’re welcome, No. 3.
LeeAnne introduces Heidi to the other cast members.
“My first impression of Heidi … It was too much, honey. Tone it down. Like you’re up here and I need you down here. … I know that’s in, but you’re old enough now that you can pare that stuff down.” I guess Cary didn’t get the memo from earlier that she was supposed to bow down.
Heidi invites Cary and Stephanie to her dinner party on Thursday. The theme is doing as much as Heidi is, which is too much: Gothic State Fair.
Cary: “So, I can wear black and bring a Corny Dog.” Heh.
Heidi says she wants to also get hands on their faces because she also does makeup.
Cary is being extra messy and Brandi just looks like she’s examining things. Cary brings up Heidi’s age and then says because of that age, she can just let it “alllll go." And then dismissively walks away mid-statement as she says, “Well, I’m gone work on that gurl.” Ouch.
LeeAnne says she thinks sometimes Cary “can’t distinguish between funny and insulting.” Oh, she can, LeeAnne. She can. She just doesn’t care. There’s a certain beauty in that, really.
Of course, Heidi knew she had stepped in the shade and promises to get them up to speed.
Keith Suburban and his hat open the night: “Tonight is a very special night for me as well. I finally get the chance to share my music and my songs with the fine people of Dallas, Texas.”
Tiffany sings along, “You walk with angels.”
Aaron dedicates a song to “our friend” Brandi’s brother, Michael, telling him that “you are important.” Stephanie hugs Brandi close to her, as they and several others in the crowd are in tears.
It affects LeeAnne, too, when she sees how Brandi is affected. LeeAnne says, “We need to move beyond the drama. We need to stop being stupid.”
I am not mad at this song, “My No. 1.”
Tiffany’s happy. She did it, “a legitimate Dallas charity event.”
LeeAnne and Rich are chatting before she goes to the dinner party. LeeAnne says the only person she’s hesitant to see is Cary.
“She pushes my buttons, on purpose,” LeeAnne says. Right. Key words here are on purpose. You see it coming but you don't get out of the way. You could be partly to blame. I'm just saying. You’re the one falling for it.
LeeAnne continues: “I’m not the only person in the Charity World that’s not a fan of her. The way she got her husband is not right. Everybody in this town knows that Mark was married when they met …”
Rich, who I am liking more and more, stops her: “Hey, that’s gossip.”
LeeAnne says she’ll shut it down, but “she’d do better to make me her friend” than her enemy. Wow. Zero to 60, much?
OK, LeeAnne. Live and let live. What matters is that they are married now. Right? Quit nitpicking fights.
LeeAnne’s just spoiling for something to get her hands on because she doesn’t want to fight with Brandi now. And I don’t think it’s because she’s feeling sorry for Brandi, either. I think she knows that Brandi’s like a cornered cat right now that has no choice but to fight her way out. You don’t want to mess with Brandi at this particular moment; Brandi will catch you, skin you and wear you at the next Charity World event. Anything LeeAnne says right now could be the last straw. And LeeAnne knows that. So, she’s setting her course to find another harbor for her animosity.
LeeAnne’s still talking: “I’ll continue to work on being a better Christian and being a better human …”
Rich points: “Bam.”
Cary and Courtney are getting ready together. Cary, like you knew, says she knows they don’t like her apparently because she’s a “homewrecker.” Courtney asks LB, the stylist, if he knows Heidi Dillon. He says, “Oh, yeah,” and laughs.
Cary says, “I’m not going to judge her based on one meeting. I’ll judge her on two.”
And when Cary says something about LeeAnne, LB stings, “I know she’s out with all that blush on.” Excuse me while I kiss this guy!
LeeAnne arrives at Heidi’s house, which looks like an entire condo complex. Oh, Heidi, I need your apron. Now.
Marie hugs Brandi. LeeAnne says she's ready to move on from what happened with Marie. There's Taylor Garrett, from the cocktail party when everything happened! Does that mean more mess?! I hope so!
Tiffany never told LeeAnne that Taylor was spreading gossip about her at the cocktail party. Funny: Ralph, Heidi’s dog, gets his own tagline. Though it’s probably because Cary, out of a lack of knowing what to do, spends an inordinate amount of time with Ralph. Cary: “I feel like LeeAnne’s being kind of standoffish.” You’re right.
Tiffany says, “Cary’s being a snob, rude, arrogant because that’s her defense mechanism.” You’re not wrong.
Heidi is all kinds of wrong. You don’t know Cary well enough to say that she’s going to do a demonstration on a corn dog. Heck, I don't know if you could know anyone well enough for that, especially in light of the earlier statements. They're playing this very blue.
Heidi is sitting with Cary, Courtney and Stephanie. LeeAnne and Tiffany are at a table with a quiet, grimacing Brandi. Heidi wants folks to mingle at her party and they’re all separated into little groups so she tells the other group to come over.
“We can’t all sit on the couch. Can we sit in your lap?” Tiffany asks.
And now I know Heidi will say any dang thing. She says something I won’t type about sitting and room and faces, and not necessarily in that order.
Now they’re all scrunched up and quiet. LeeAnne says this is how Heidi’s parties get. It’s called “the powwow.” LeeAnne says she doesn’t think that Heidi is happy about this one. It turns out Heidi is friends with Mark’s ex-wife. And so are a lot of people, which means Cary won’t ever be really accepted.
“I feel like there’s something going on in this room and I’m the village idiot that doesn’t get it,” Stephanie says. Girl, that room is filled with stone-cold killers. Run.
So, Cary decides to leave. She places the discomfort at LeeAnne’s feet.
“I think LeeAnne’s jealous that I’ve been married three times and she can’t quite get there,” Cary says. “Ever.”
Next time: Stephanie comes out of cake. LeeAnne tells her story. Brandi knows how to push people's buttons. Stephanie stands up to Travis.
