With less than a week until the premiere of ABC's The Bachelorette, it's finally time to get to know the 31 men competing for Dallasite Rachel Lindsay's love. And by "get to know," I mean pick apart their headshots and bios to unveil their utter ridiculousness.
The show's host Chris Harrison revealed Lindsay's lineup on Facebook Live Wednesday, clarifying that the men's jobs titles, which this season range from aspiring drummer to tickle monster, are "not necessarily what they are, it's who they are." Riiiiight.
The 13th season of The Bachelorette premieres Monday, May 22 at 8 p.m. central time. Grab a glass of wine and break out your best eye rolls, it's time to meet Lindsay's suitors.
Alex is a 26-year-old real estate agent who likes late-night tacos. So far, so good. Turns out, that may not just refer to food. The most romantic gift he's ever received? A threesome. "It was my birthday," says his bio. Cool story, bro.
There's no denying Alex is a looker, but I'm guessing there's not much substance behind that smile. The guy's worst attributes are that he's selfish, unemotional and unapologetic — if you don't count that his top three favorite bands are Coldplay, the Beatles and "can't really think of a third one. Music isn't a big part of my life." Boy, bye.
OK, this dude has a lot going for him. Anthony is an education software manager with a positive attitude and emotional intelligence, he says. (Points for last season's buzzword.) He's also well-traveled, having taught English in Indonesia and in the Ivory Coast. Here's hoping he invests in a collection of hats to cover that dome.
Blake No. 1 is an aspiring drummer, which means up to this point in his 31 years of life, he just hasn't quite figured it out. Things he has accomplished include being engaged to "a crazy girl" for 48 hours and hating when women mention their cats. Deal breaker.
Blake No. 2 is a U.S. Marine veteran who can obviously rock an army green V-neck. But if he could be anyone for one day, he'd choose a different sense of fashion. He'd be "Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson, because he's the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack," he says.
See that hair jacked up to Jesus? That's a surefire sign Brady is high maintenance. As a professional male model, he's not afraid to admit it either. His least favorite things to do on a date include "paying for everything, saying goodnight, getting an Uber that doesn't speak English," he says.
Don't be fooled by Bryan's baby face -- this chiropractor is 37 years old. Or, as Chris Harrison says, "ancient" in Bachelor years. He, admittedly, was even around for JNCO jeans. "Skate or die man!! I looked ridiculous," he says. At least he's self-aware.
This guy's one-liners are as jarring as his jawline. Asked how he would describe himself as a lover, Bryce says, "A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning." Is he more of a party-starter, wing man or laid-back dude? "Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die," he says. Once during sex, he caught a girl's hair on fire. Good thing he's a firefighter.
Dean seems like a fairly middle-of-the-road dude. Twenty-six years old, a startup recruiter, a modern man, no? Though he might have picked the wrong show on which to start his reality TV career. "I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs," Dean says. "That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment."
DeMario is a 30-year-old executive recruiter who is apparently ready to party. He's a self-proclaimed party-starter "always blowing my whistle" and "making NOISE!!!" Oh and he loves attention. "Not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen," he says. "Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits." Can't. I can't.
Consensus says Eric looks like a robot. Perhaps his work as a personal trainer sculpted his body perfectly, but that rack of pearly whites doesn't seem to fit in his mouth. What's he hiding in those cheeks? Show yourself!
The collared shirt and pullover mean business. Fred's greatest achievement is attending two graduate school programs from two different universities, simultaneously. And he graduated from both.
Sorry Grant, but that smile is not made for TV. And a word of advice: Never admit that "Ice Ice Baby" is your favorite song or that you once to defecated into a coke bottle. It's not cute.
Ignacio, also known as "Iggy"
To try, or not to try? That seems to be the issue Ignacio, a 30-year-old consulting firm CEO, is grappling with. His best attributes? Ignacio is passionate, loyal and witty. His worst? Ignacio is passionate, loyal and witty. His alleged favorite magazine is Harvard Business Journal, but he didn't make time to think of more than three adjectives? Next.
Meet Jack. This is Jack's "I'm trying to have fun" face.
A couple of red flags stick out when it comes to Jamey, and not just his deer-in-headlights look. In his bio, Jamey says his ideal mate looks like "a model," that he's actively trying not to plan his future and he does not have female friends. Run Rachel, run!
Looks like one of South Park's Woodland Critters got stranded on ABC on his way to Comedy Central. His bio says he loves scrambled eggs if you want to feed him.
Occupation: Tickle monster? Tickle me hell no.
Josiah is a 28-year-old prosecution attorney. Just don't look him directly in the eyes, he might turn you to stone.
Kenneth, also known as "Diggy"
Is it just me, or does 'nerd' look cute on Kenneth?
Kenny, a 35-year-old pro wrestler, is known for his sensitive side. He has a daughter and is said to cry the most out of anyone this season. Oh, and he once had sex with someone's wife while they watched, according to his bio. Super casual.
What's the wildest thing you've done in the bedroom, Kyle? "Ex was into BDSM and introduced me to being a dom," he says. How would you describe yourself as a lover, Kyle? "... athletic, lol."
Meet Lee, a singer/songwriter voted in high school "Most Likely to be the Next Gay Country Star."
Lucas does not just look like a tool, he is a tool. Wondering what his ideal mate looks like? "Belle (Beauty and The Beast), Cinderella, Little Mermaid ... and the best, Jessica Rabbit!" he says. Funny, my four-year-old niece has the same taste in women.
Matthew, also known as "Matt"
Matt is balding, but that's OK. I bet he'll last at least three elimination rounds.
OK, so maybe I'm leaning a little #TeamMichael. The guy's a former pro basketball player (in Bulgaria, but still) and only has one major fear: That one of his buddies will hook up with someone he's dated. Wait, has he ever seen this show?
I wonder if Milton is here for the right reasons. Asked what he hopes to get out of participating in this show, he says: "Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting." So right, yet so wrong.
Hey Mohit. I see you baby, rockin' that Paul Ryan 'do. Ladies love a man who looks like he championed a bill that lists pregnancy as a pre-existing condition. Chicks seriously dig that.
Watch out, Rachel, this one sounds like a stage-five clinger. The closest he's ever come to being engaged was his ex-girlfriend of two years and he was ring shopping after just three months. On second thought, maybe he's perfect.
Robert, also known as "Rob "
Rob is a 30-year-old law student and loves women who pursue him. You know, the type who really shows "courage to go for something that she wants despite the cultural expectation," he says. Perhaps he should show himself the door.
My well of sarcasm has run dry, Will. You seem nice enough. May the odds ever be in your favor.