Contestant Ashton Theiss of Fort Worth relives the season premiere of 'The Amazing Race' 

The Amazing Race, Season 29 (!) Episode 1: "We're Coming For You, Phil!"

I'll be up front about the fact that I've only ever watched The Amazing Race in passing. But I'm game. Hey, if I can make it through a season of whatever it is -- memory glitch, does not compute -- that I recapped before, I can do this.

Ready? Let's go.

The show starts with an establishing shot of Los Angeles. Host Phil Keoghan is standing on top of a building near a helipad for no apparent reason other than for the camera to swoop in.

The contestants are already running. Wait. What? Won't they have to do enough of that soon enough? Seems unnecessary. And here comes Fort Worth; represent, Ashton Theiss. Ooooh, she's got her game hair on. And her Amazing Race fanny pack.

The contestants line up in a park and get some vague directions from Phil. "Southeast" this, "southwest" that. Again, unnecessary. I would just hand in my fanny pack and go home at this moment.

Francesca Piccoli, from a fantasy land called "St. Plano, Texas" according to the pre-show press release, points as everyone scatters, apparently in every direction except southeast or southwest.

"She doesn't live here anymore," Theiss corrects by phone the Friday after the show aired. Theiss says "Fran" grew up in California, lived here for some months and then was "gone again."

Well, it turns out that Fran pointed wrong and the shade is quick and it's real from another contestant, Jessica Shields. Why we gotta be like that so early? Aren't we all trying to make an impression here?

"I didn't pack my compass," says Theiss. " I just used the really tall and really buff chick." That's fair. Jessica is 6-3 and works out. Clearly.

"But they couldn't read the compass," Theiss continues. Nevertheless they all made it seconds apart but near the bottom of the pack.

So, all the scurrying about was to get to a specific luggage store and grab a bag with a Panamanian flag on the luggage tag. Seth Tyler is back first. First to return gets first pick of the other contestants. What a vicious -- and fair -- way to pick a team. He chooses Olive Beauregard because he says she was the first "lady" to return. They are #TeamAmerica, looking for all the world like they could take off and fly to Panama without an airplane.

"I wouldn't give them that much credit," says Theiss.

Then Matt Ladley picks Redmond Ramos from the BFF factory because "he seems like he believes in himself." Brooke Camhi picks Scott Flanary (they turn out to be a shady pair and really do not have time for each other's antics).

Becca Droz, and I will forgive her later but not right now, picks "Urkel." Um. No. His name is Floyd. Pierce.

New Yorker Vanck Zhu picks Ashton -- Fort Worth in the house -- who was next to last to return.

"Anybody else would have been great," Theiss says. "I'm kidding. ... I think you'll be surprised by us."

Tara Carr shows she's never scared and picks Joey Covino, who was the last back from the luggage run because he picked the wrong flag tag. Shamir Arzeno picks Sara Fowler. London Kaye and Logan Bauer, who are, heh, #TeamLoLo; Jenn Lee, who gave viewers fair warning to look away when she said earlier that she would use her beauty when she can in the competition, picks Kevin Ng; Michael Rado picks Liz Espey.

And Jessie and Francesca, who both work out a bit and had that rocky, shady start -- "Southeast?" "You were wrong the first time, I'm not following you any more." -- are paired because they're the last two standing.

Their hashtag? #SwoleSisters. They pose. Of course.

I see why people like this show and why it's won so many Emmys. That was three competitions before the real competition even started, and in less than 10 minutes!

Well, Jessica and Francesca find out that there is an advantage to not getting picked or being able to pick a teammate. They get a ride to the airport with the host.

Cut to all the couples checking inside their luggage for an "express pass." It's #TeamFun FTW. In the cab, it turns out they have something in common: Becca lives in Boulder and Floyd is a drum major at Colorado University. They're excited and it seems, so am I. Sweet. I think I love them.

Cameras turn to Kevin and Jenn, #TeamLongHairDontCare. If the hash tag wasn't enough to make you gag, then there's plenty else. That's enough of them. (If Jenn giggles her way through this entire show, I will turn the volume down until she is off screen.  Unless it's a nervous response, in which case, well, stop being judgy, Dawn.)

Local check-in: Ashton and Vanck are the second pair on the second flight.

Funny. Logan, as he's driving in Panama City: "I thought Panama City, Fla., was cool. There's no drunk teenagers anywhere. This is awesome."

Funnier. Floyd is beatboxing in the back seat and Becca's rapping in the front. My heart grows two sizes.

Logan asks a local for directions to the Panama Canal. Dude tells him to "go up," and does the universal symbol for Superman. Maybe he thought Logan was superhero? He looks like he's packing a cape.

Seth and Olive? Still first. BTW, observation from a first-time watcher. This show seems especially cruel: it's Survivor meets a marathon.

Shamir speaks Spanish. It's mostly only helped him get "no" to any of his questions, though.

Prediction: Scott will try to choke out Brooke before it's all over.

So ... once each team finds its way to the canal, which is more difficult than one would think, they get directions leading them to a tower in a park. From there, they get directions to the first challenge. They have to scoot or shoot, beat some pros in a canoe race or shoot down some fake fish while standing in a canoe.

While Matt and Redmond, of course, because they're perfect, beat the pros, Floyd is rapping and now Becca is beatboxing. I heart them some more. They are a lesson in appearances, deception and all that stuff you've been warned about in old sayings. Books, covers, all that. Love. Them. They are appropriately named #TeamFun. Indeed. And the show knows it has your heart, for they already have a second hashtag: #FUNMETER.

So, Ashton and Vanck go into the drink on their first attempt after not faring too well just trying to drive to the Panama Canal to get directions to the park.

"My partner was not the best navigator in the world," Ashton says. She says he doesn't own a car and there was no way she was letting him drive. He proves her right by giving her baffling turn instructions.

Ashton's blank face during Vanck's attempts with the bow and arrow are priceless especially since.

"He took an archery class in high school," says Ashton.

Nothing like Southern shade; we don't even have to say anything. Then she gives him the side eye. Heh. Because it is a little pathetic.

But let's finish this: Vanck and Ashton finish in seventh place despite the interesting dynamic. As Phil puts it, "so different."

While hometown team is finishing up, Liz and Michael have given up on the shooting and are trying the scooting. And they tip the boat over twice, that we see.

As each pair makes it to the finish line, they're interviewed by Phil. Jessie and Francesca, who might have had a bit of a rocky start, agree that it's a match made in heaven: "It is!" They finished the night not last but at last friends.

A soggy Liz and Michael are emotional; they finally finished the challenge and then got lost trying to find the finish line. Kevin and Jenn are sitting, waiting out their two-hour penalty for not finishing the challenge before darkness set in, when the two run up.

Now, Liz and Michael are soggy and emotional when they find out that their time wasn't up. Kelvin and Jenn are the first duo to be eliminated.

Man, that hour went by fast. Like viewer, like contestant.

"It was very fast," says Ashton. "I think that the stranger dynamic made it even more jam-packed. I was very happy at the presentation."

Ashton held a watch party at Wild Acre Brewing in Fort Worth, with "some family, friends and clients." And next week, she's going to watch in Dallas with some of the other contestants in the show filmed almost a year ago.

I think I'll join them. Meet you here after?

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