'Bachelor' Nick Viall gets plenty of action during first dates, but not with Dallas ladies

It's week two of The Bachelor and already this season is a hot mess and a half.

Nick Viall, the titular bachelor with three appearances on this series under his belt, began sorta-seriously dating the 20-plus women left after the show's first elimination round. And what better way to get to know someone than take bridal photos and end the relationship right off the bat?

Contestants did both those things Monday night, and trust us, it was as painful as it sounds.

Eleven women attended the first group date of the season — half got to play bride, the other half got to play bridesmaid. Elizabeth Whitelaw of Dallas drew the short straw this time, and was forced to rock a pastel green dress and a borderline offensive Bump It. (As they say, the higher the hair, the closer to God.)

Still, she didn't get much air time. "Bare bosoms," as contestant Corinne Olympios pointed out, dominated the shoot. Forget princess dresses, forget the tasteful traditional getups.

First, the photographer selected travel nurse Brittany Farrar of Santa Monica, Calif. to play Viall's other half in the Adam and Eve-themed shoot, which required they wear nothing but leafy bikini bottoms (and in her case, hair extensions) to, you know, cover the goods. Not to be upstaged, Corinne, the 24-year-old with a nanny, decided to throw clothing to the wind. Off went the top and into her hand went the rose.

The shotgun wedding featuring Alexis Waters, the aspiring dolphin trainer, was a personal favorite. 

As for what happened with Dallasite Rachel Lindsay, your guess is as good as ours. Although she made history as the first black woman ever to receive the first impression rose, the attorney didn't receive a date card. And since the episode ended — dramatically (gasp) — without a rose ceremony, we'll have to wait until next week.

The (obvious) big reveal on Monday was one of the ladies' relationship with Viall prior to The Bachelor. He met (and slept with) Liz Sandoz, a doula from Las Vegas, at a wedding — big deal considering how few familiar people you tend to meet at these looking-for-that-one-true-love kind of functions.

She joined five other women on a date to the Museum of Broken Relationships, an exhibition that revolves around the concept of failed relationships and their ruins, according to the website. Surprise! Viall had a featured exhibit: a wilted rose and the engagement ring he picked out for Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe before she gave him the "sorry, you came in second place" speech.

What Bachelor date would be complete without something humiliating? After wandering around the museum, the women were tasked unleash their inner actress and "break up" with Viall.

He got slapped...

... and things got awkward after Sandoz decided to ambiguously lay all their cards out on the table. Her effort was for naught: Sandoz was the only contestant to get the #ByeFelicia after Viall decided she was just in it for the fame. The wrong reasons.

"The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense," he said.

Danielle Maltby, a neonatal nurse, garnered the first solo date of the season and true to form it was extravagant. Think helicopter ride directly to a yacht with a hot tub. Needless to say, she'll be moving to the next round, and not just because she's a bombshell. Maltby revealed her previous fiancé died shortly after their engagement. Vulnerability, the hot button word this season, is the golden ticket to a rose, which she accepted gladly.

Tune in next Monday, Jan. 16 at 7 p.m. to see how our Dallas ladies fare during the rose ceremony. Follow me on Twitter (@tineywristwatch) for endless sass until then.