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'Real Housewives of Dallas' celebrate Travis' birthday with drunken declarations of like

Previously: LeeAnne Locken apologizes to Stephanie Hollman. Brandi Redmond's brother tried to commit suicide. "Being married to Travis is not a free ride," says Stephanie. Cary Deuber complains that her husband, Mark, spends too much money on clothes. According to LeeAnne, Cary disses Heidi Dillon.

Casa de Golf Course. Stephanie and Travis and their kids, Chance, 6, and Cruz, 4, are in the kitchen. Stephanie says, "I don't know what to do with them sometimes."

Welcome to motherhood, Stephanie.

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Stephanie tells the boys that they're going to hang out with their father while she goes to check out venues for a birthday party. Turns out it's Travis' birthday party, and he's on some Sweet 16-type ish.

"Every year, Travis' birthday is a huge deal," Stephanie, and then she lists some of what she's done. The one that makes my ears perk up is, "I flew everyone to Mexico. We stayed in this ridiculous 50,000 square foot house with a disco and everything." She said it. Ridiculous.

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She also said this.

"It's hard to be over the top every year, though. I'm too lazy for that [expletive]."

Of course, she's going with Brandi. Travis asks if she'll take Courtney, his "personal assistant."

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Stephanie: "She's kind of like a sister wife, but she doesn't sleep with my husband." 

Stephanie also called her a "pinch-hitter." Which is it, Stephanie? I need to know.

Anyway, Stephanie peeped Travis' game. She asks him if Courtney needs to go so she can spy.

"Maybe," says Travis. He might as well have put up a sign that said, "Yes."

Then he says, "Am I gonna get a present this year or should I jut have Courtney go buy me something?"

I get why he might be worried. 

Last year, Stephanie got him a gift certificate for laser hair removal for his back. "It was actually very thoughtful," she says. "Because you said you were feeling super hairy and you were really nervous you were gonna be getting hairier."

Travis: "You got me one session."

I understand this, too.

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"I never win with the birthdays," Stephanie says.

When you never win with the birthday, you just quit trying. And ... this week, I'm identifying with Stephanie.

Lemmon Ave. Surgery Center. Cary and Mark Deuber are coming out of surgery. They say it's Zuri's birthday.

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Dr. Deuber asks about the plans for the night. Cary says she got a vanilla cake with white frosting because it would be "less messy" and Zuri didn't eat the chocolate last time.

Mark: "Well, what am I gonna eat?" Dude! It's not your birthday.

"I can't believe she's 3. I feel like I just had her. I feel like I was just pregnant," Cary says.

Girl, it only moves faster if you're in denial about it. She'll be 15 tomorrow. And there ... I'm identifying with Cary, too.

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I think I need to call someone to check out the symptoms of Stockholm syndrome.

Cary tells the story about how she had to have a C-section but Mark said he had to leave for surgery. She says that Mark doesn't like hospitals, even though he's a doctor.

Cut to Mark asking her if she seriously didn't order a chocolate cake for him. "And it's too late to change it?"

Mark, it's called a phone. Order it yourself.

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He then asks Cary, "Do we have to get her any more presents? What would be too many things?"

Cary: "Like, more than one. She's 3."

Mark interrupts her: "Well, we may have a little bit of a problem."

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Cary says her family owned a bank, so her role is to keep Mark from spending up all of their money.

Mark's mantra seems to be, "Want, spend, have." I can get with that, too, to a point.

Why isn't this help line picking up?

Stephanie, Brandi and sister-wife Courtney Petrone are at The Mitchell. Courtney agrees with the Gatsby theme, because "it's more specific."

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Brandi has some gift ideas, and at this point, I think she's just riffing:

  1. dessert smashed in Travis' face
  2. a certificate that they'll pretend is "from Obama" to honor Travis
  3. "a gift of the grave," his tombstone

When Brandi says, "I can't wait until he dies," Courtney looks as if she went somewhere else in her head to wait out the inanity.

LeeAnne stalks into True Food Kitchen. Her boyfriend Rich meets her there. Both of us say, "Yay, my date's here."

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They chat about her upcoming speech for the Grace Project, "a safe place conference for women who are HIV positive."

"I know God made me loud, and I know you're always turning me down," LeeAnne says to Rich.

"These women are ashamed that they are HIV positive. And I suffered from shame as a child from being sexually molested and I'm hoping that even if I just get two or three, or four, to find their way to live a shame-free life then I've had a successful day."

Tiffany Hendra will be there, and LeeAnne tells Rich she invited Stephanie.

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Rich: "She's a nice lady."

Back at the Mitchell, Brandi and Stephanie bookend Courtney as they sit in a booth discussing who will be invited to Travis' party.

Look here. Party planning is not my idea of scintillating television. 

I don't even want to watch myself plan one. OK, back to the recap.

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When Stephanie says that she just wants things to be "easy," Brandi asks, "Are you inviting any of the other girls?"

Stephanie says the only one she's not sure about is LeeAnne because of Brandi, reiterating: "I just want it to be very easy."

"LeeAnne and I are OK with each other. But Brandi and LeeAnne have been known to fight," Stephanie says. And then there are scenes from episodes past: poop on the chair, which for the record, Brandi didn't even do; and Mt. LeeAnne's eruption at Marie's cocktail party.

Stephanie should be a peace negotiator.

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She doesn't want to ruin her husband's birthday by two of her friends getting into a fight and at the same time, she doesn't want to hurt LeeAnne's feelings because she's inviting "everybody." I guess my invitation got lost in the ether.

Anyway ... she's "conflicted."

Stephanie tells Brandi, "If she steals his thunder by fighting with you, it'd be horrible, like that is messing up his day (laughs). The day he was born is a very precious gift that God gave the world, and nothing can go wrong."

They all laugh. See? Diplomacy. They should send Stephanie to North Korea and see how she makes out.

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I cannot even add to the shade that Rich is throwing at LeeAnne.

LeeAnne is pouring her heart out about this speech at lunch with Rich. "This is my chance to really use my voice to make people," LeeAnne begins.

Rich picks up his glass, tosses a glance backward (that's an eye roll for the uninitiated) and says, "For something good? For something positive?"

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Whiff.

"Yes," LeeAnne continues. "To make people feel good, to uplift people."

Blah, blah, blah, Stephanie can see what it means, blah, blah, blah, Brandi thinks I share my story too much ...

"You know, I'm just so tired of fighting with everyone," LeeAnne says. "I just want to make it peaceful."

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Rich: "Don't fight with them."

In real life, he makes sense. But don't listen to him, LeeAnne.

We barely have a show as it is. If you stop churning that butter, we won't have anything to put on that biscuit.

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We're at the Grace Project Conference.

Tiffany greets LeeAnne with a hug. LeeAnne is jotting down some notes. Tiffany calls her "Wait til the Last Minute Locken."

Stephanie shows up to hugs all around.

Melissa Grove with the Legacy Counseling Center introduces LeeAnne. Really, LeeAnne's speech is moving. She talks about labels, and the ones she had as a child:

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  1. "Not worthy," when her mother abandoned her at 3
  2. "Not valued," when she was molested by her best friend's father when she was a preteen
  3. "Not loved," when someone she was engaged to tried to kill her when she was a young woman

She continues: "HIV is a disease. It is not who you are. It is not your label. Tonight is a night for you to change the label that you give yourself."

By the end, she has everyone saying, "I am worthy" with her. That Wonder Woman spin is in full effect.

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Tiffany is proud because Stephanie has finally seen the LeeAnne that she loves. And Stephanie is impressed, telling LeeAnne that she was "amazing."

She kinda was.

Back in Stephanie's kitchen: Chance, 6, and Travis are practicing "ninja moves."

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So proud of Stephanie here. When Travis tells Chance that he's "slapping like a girl," Stephanie tells him "that's not nice."

She explains that what he should say is that it means they're not slapping appropriately. Travis agrees and changes his language.

She says it's so hard to be the only woman.

"Between Travis and my boys, I'm headed for a nervous breakdown by the time I hit 40," she says.

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Talk turns to Travis' birthday.

Travis: "I think Mommy should throw Daddy a birthday party and sing and jump out of a cake in a bikini. What do you think?"

There are appropriate responses to this request from your significant other. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I'm not allowed to write such things.

But Stephanie says, which lets me know she's entertaining this nonsense, "I'm getting older and uglier. I don't know why now he wants me to jump out of a cake with a bikini on."

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Whatever. Big Mac Jr., coming right up.

Back at the dinner table, Chance says, "Let's get a lot of presents for him."

What should they get him? Cruz has an idea: "Poo poo."

Travis: "Wow, Cruz, thank you. You've been hanging out with your mom way too much."

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Stephanie asks, "So what kind of cake should we get Daddy?"

Chance leans into Cruz, and you know what's coming when Cruz opens his mouth.

"Poo poo cake." And the poo hits the fan.

Travis puts up a red card and tells the boys "that's enough, you're going to bed. Not funny. Not funny."

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Of course, Stephanie has to call Brandi with a recap of the dinner conversation. Talk turns back to the party.

Stephanie tells Brandi that she invited LeeAnne.

"I promise I won't start any drama," Brandi says. "I'm going to be drinking lots of tequila so it'll all be good."

Back at Casa de Golf Course. Travis is taking Stephanie through the paces about his birthday party.

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Stephanie is feeling managed.

"I'm an adult, and just because I don't do it his way doesn't mean it's wrong."

She asks him to try to take a step back and let her do things on her own.

Travis says it's hard. It's what his mom did. She gave them lists. He's trying to figure out when to start giving the boys lists.

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"It's hard to not micromanage because we were micromanaged," Travis says.

Listen, honey. I'ma tell you like my mama told me: When you know better, you do better.

"I understand your point of view, it's just hard sometimes ... we grew up very differently," Travis continues. "And they say opposites attract and we're living proof."

Stephanie laughs.

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And ... scene. It would have made for a satisfying video about marriage counseling. But a Housewives episode? Not.

Stephanie and Travis get over stuff way too soon and in a way that's not messy at all. If I want to see that, I can just set up a camera in my house. One of the reasons Reality TV is so popular is because viewers want to see misunderstandings, willful disobedience and shadiness blown up to epic proportions.

Our present's so bright that we need shade.

OK, back to the recap.

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Brandi is hanging with the dog.

"Stephanie has seen this other side of LeeAnne, and as much as it's hard to believe, I trust Stephanie's judgment," she says.

She doesn't want any of them to worry about it at the party.

And then we see a bold Brandi. She's dialing someone in her contacts and the number is labeled "Loud Mouth." Heh.

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Brandi stammers but manages to ask LeeAnne to lunch or coffee to clear the air.

LeeAnne agrees: "Thank you for calling. I appreciate it."

At the Deubers, Zuri, 3, is giving me life. Mark bought the dress she's wearing in Italy because it reminded him of Cary's wedding dress.

Candace, Cary's friend, is there to help celebrate.

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Mark won't leave it alone.

"Zuri, do you want chocolate cake or white cake," he asks, knowing darn well what kind of cake is sitting in front of the child.

He's lucky that's a cake knife.

Cary says, "Stop it." And then, "next time, you order the damn cake then."

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Kennedy, also 3, is there to play with Zuri. It's good, because that's what she wants to do after just one bite of cake.

Gift time! Except Zuri's had enough after just one.

Mark is left holding several bags. 

(Do like I do and save the extras for another occasion.)

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"Sometimes I think she might be my clone," laughs Cary.

At Sissy's Southern Kitchen.

Side note: Brandi, don't wear heels when you might have to run ...

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No hugs here, but "you look beautiful," Brandi says when LeeAnne arrives.

LeeAnne's ready because after hearing about Brandi's brother, it's put everything into perspective.

Brandi apologizes right away: "You know my humor is very silly and immature. And I know how to push people's buttons to a level that is sometimes not OK and for that I apologize."

LeeAnne nods throughout and even cracks a smile of acknowledgment when Brandi says she knows why she shares her story, which is to impact lives.

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"Actually, Brandi, I've been waiting for this moment," LeeAnne begins.

Why does LeeAnne's contrition always sound like aggression?

She continues: "And every time that I've sat down with you, I'll be honest, you know, I didn't respond in my best manner and you're right. You pushed buttons in me that no one's pushed in a long time. I know I have that side of me. That's not a pretty side. It's not a side I like to show. But it's not who I am."

You know it and I know it, but let's let Brandi say it.

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"Was that an apology back? Not really."

But Brandi feels relieved anyway.

"I feel like I can be in a room with LeeAnne and know that she's not gonna throw a wine glass," she says.

They hug it out to end the summit.

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We land at Whatchamacallit, where Stephanie thinks Brandi should definitely try on the "Dress of the Week."

The salesperson, Alfia, points out a sparkly number, "This is fabulous."

Can I say I love Alfia? I'm coming to visit you, honey.

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They talk about how things went with LeeAnne.

"You better not ditch me for LeeAnne," Stephanie says. They both laugh in that way when someone has said something that had better not come true, but really could. A they laugh a lot. And loudly.

Stephanie admits that she's kind of "excited to see them in the same room together." She says that now ... and then, "without them killing each other."

A nice bumper at Brandi's house...

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Brandi and Brinkley, 4, are having a deep discussion:

"Is Daddy pretty?"

"Do you like boys?"

"Why don't you like boys?"

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"Why are they different from girls?"

We're back at Casa de Golf Course. It's "the day of Travis' birthday party."

Brandi says, "Hi, honey, I'm home."

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Stephanie: "Ooh, you're spending the night? You wanna move in? Are you leaving Bryan for me?"

Stephanie definitely has some feelings about the party. "I may be poop-your-pants nervous." (Cher Hukill, the makeup artist, is slack-jawed at the antics from Brandi and Stephanie in the kitchen.)

Cary is laughing at Mark's choice of attire. She asks him what he's wearing.

Mark says, "I don't know. Didn't you Google this [expletive]?"

Cher is still slack-jawed listening to Travis and Brandi.

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Cary's worried about the night because last time she saw them, LeeAnne was kinda witchy.

Mark goes into the closet to pick out shoes and a handbag for Cary.

Now, we're at the party and Stephanie's greeting guests.

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Marie Reyes in the house!

And then LeeAnne arrives with Tiffany and a blonde poodle on her head.

Stephanie tells her she looks "gorgeous" and "like Marilyn Monroe."

"I love Tiffany but I don't know what she was wearing. It was dark, black feathers. Maybe she was wearing her outfit for Gatsby's funeral ... or Travis'." Giggle.

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Stephanie, you need to check your girl.

She speaks too fondly of your husband's death. And too often.

Cary arrives. Dr. Deuber is just worried about if his tie is straight. He probably needs to check his girl, too.

"When Cary came in, I felt the Arctic wind," Tiffany says. I admire her enunciation.

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Cary is sitting beside her friend Courtney and talking with Stephanie. Cary asks how everyone is because she has some anxiety.

"Everyone's, like, made up and great," Stephanie oversells.

Cary POVs: "Where are the rainbows and unicorns coming from? I mean, Stephanie's buying it. Not me, honey. Not me."

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And in the booth from hell: Brandi, Marie, Tiffany and LeeAnne are talking. And laughing. It's a poop story!

LeeAnne's telling it, and Brandi's right at home. All is right in some otherworld.

Brandi overshares, again, about farting being Stephanie's "lethal weapon." And then says, "I'm really starting to like you ladies."

In her one-on-one with the camera, she says, "I'm like, wait a minute. You [expletive], too?

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Back at the booth from hell, Brandi says, "Thank y'all for sharing your [expletive] stories with me. I like y'all a little bit more."

We finally find out how old this makes Travis: He's 46.

This party scene has aged me, too: I'm now 105.

Brandi gets ahead of herself and invites LeeAnne and Tiffany to travel to Austin to celebrate the birthdays of LeeAnne and Cary.

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"I don't know if it's the Jesus juice, but I think a trip to Austin is a great idea," says Brandi.

It's definitely the Jesus juice, girl.

We see you, Brandi: Swigging from a bottle, spitting it out and then stumbling away from the bar.

The cake comes out, all sparkly. And Travis is dead serious when he asks, "I thought you were jumping out of a cake."

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Barring that, Stephanie thinks she pulled it off.

Travis says, "I love it. You're awesome."

So, maybe she did.

Stephanie tells Cary about the plans for their birthdays. Danger, Will Robinson: Stephanie's a little too perky.

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They have a lake house in Austin and they'll hire private chefs. It'll be for all of them. That's right, Stephanie. Front-load that bomb ...

So, Stephanie has to deliver the news along with the invitation to Cary.

It turns out Brandi invited people without telling Stephanie first: LeeAnne's coming, too.

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"Teleport me the [expletive] out of here," Cary says.

You and me both.

Back at Casa de Golf Course, Travis walks in and Stephanie comes out of a cardboard cake and sings "Happy Birthday to you."

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He claps and then has to help her get out of the cake.

She says, "I tried to look extra slutty."

Travis: "Well, you did a good job."

She'll think about that one later. I'm thinking about the word "extra."

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But he loves this. He tries to angle for a lap dance, saying he could call her Cinnamon, Porsche and "you actually look like a Mercedes."

Next time: Drunk in Austin. Wait. What? Did LeeAnne just threaten to do away with Marie? This, from LeeAnne: "What you think is killing and what I think is killing are two different things."

For more TV news, views and reviews, follow @DawnBurkes on Twitter.