Burger King announced Tuesday that its royal burger shops would no longer proffer sugary soda drinks to children. They even put "BREAKING" in the headline, which in this day and age is rarely overused or cause for skepticism. Kate Middleton was unavailable for comment.
Turns out, that's BK's way of saying it simply joined McDonald's and Wendy's to come up to speed with the quasi-healthy game mastered by Subway, Chipotle, and Panera. It's not exactly a "ban" on soft drinks. And, there's no 21+ restriction requiring black X's on the backs of kiddos' hands before they can enter the ball pit.
According to a press release, BK will simply remove soda as a drink option from its children's menu due to pressure from groups like MomsRising.org and the Center for Science in the Public Interest. The 2.5 best-things-to-ever-happen-to-you can still, you know, see drink fountains behind the counters or across the room, assuming they are tall enough to peer over service desks at this point.
Will some parents now pay extra for a 42 oz. King Size cup for their 4-foot-2 companion? That's a pretty sweet proposition to the King. Are there other things society should rage against and fake-ban? Here are our recommendations.
Hidden in plain sight, like fountain drink machines:
The Baja sweater. Upcycle it into a red, black, green, and yellow tutuNetflix's "Because you watched..." recommendations. Hide that sucker behind a new password.
Banned outright:
Lucky Charms (promotes stealing)
Toilet paper (gateway to Mummy-ism)
Signs that say, "We give unattended children an espresso and a free puppy." Whole ride home spent begging for Starbucks Gold Level status and a Petco rewards card.