It was Emerson who said, "All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients." Probably. Maybe he rebooted that one from Aristotle.
In 2015, the "ancients" are the mulleted uncles and ugly/pretty girls of the 1990s. Move over, Full House and Coach because there's a full-blown cinematic remake on the horizon -- She's All That -- first released in 1999.
I was a freshman in high school when the tale-as-old-as-time of a jerky jock who bets that he can transform a bespectacled, arty "weirdo" into prom queen for sport hit theaters. In context, I am now 31-years-old and have about seven gray hairs. True, in woman years that's practically dead, but in actual real reality, I'm not old enough to run for president. I'm barely eligible to run for senate. And, they are remaking a movie from the same year I got my driver's permit.
Come on, 2015. Get your life together. Have one original thought in your head. Or, at least steal one old enough no one will notice.
Will the slew of recently-announced reboots and remakes be good? I'm dubious, but willing to suspend judgment until Facebook refuses to let me ignore the situation any longer. What I do however know is these 3 imaginary remakes would probably be worse. There's comfort in that.
Gigli starring Kim K. and Kanye
The good news is that, by laws of nature, it almost necessarily cannot be worse than the original 2003 version starring then-portmanteaued item Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, aka Bennifer. The bad news? World so distracted the comet from Armageddon hits us and no Bruce Willis too busy attending Gigli premiere after-party to stop it.
Ed, still starring Matt LeBlanc and wait for it...
Matt's totally down for taking another swing at this 1996 baseball flick where a minor league ballplayer befriends a chimpanzee trained to cover third-base. The twist? This time he's joined in a classic he-said-she-said by a high-maintenance female Rhesus Macaque who first made her name as a Rockford Peach in the All-American-Girls Professional Baseball League (AAGPBL).
Austin Powers: The Spy With the Google Glass
Technically a sequel, rather than a remake, this hit has the International Man of Mystery outfoxing a VISOR-wearing android. Joined by sexy programmer, Computa Dentata (oh, behave!), Austin fights fire with fire by finally drinking the iKool-Aid and adopting an Apple Watch.
The first half of the movie follows Austin as he camps out in front of the Apple store for two days before dropping the Apple Watch while trying to open the box. But, then he shoots the android with a Beretta, and that is a surprisingly effective way to stop an android.