It's been more than four months since JoJo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers rode off into happily ever after on the last season of The Bachelorette, and if you're anything like us, you've been having withdrawals from the only crappy reality TV series worth your time. But alas, an end is in sight.
On Monday, Jan. 2 The Bachelor returns to ABC for its 21st edition and it's sure to be a dramatic season. In fact, it already is.
While the show normally recruits an unfortunate hopeful from the previous season to star as the next bachelor -- we thought it would be hunky cowboy Luke Pell -- this season's man on a mission for love was cherry-picked from several seasons ago. Nick Viall is a technology salesman from Milwaukee, Wis. who landed runner-up in not one, but two seasons of The Bachelorette and failed to catch a lady during his time on Bachelor in Paradise.
Clearly, the man is desperate to put a ring on it (or perhaps loves the thrill of being dumped on national television). Does he really believe "the process" can work?
Viewers will find out when Viall welcomes 30 women -- or technically 29 women and one Left Shark -- to the Bachelor mansion, including two from Dallas. Let's get to know them, shall we?
Rachel is a 31-year-old attorney and, from the looks of her pre-show bio, an all-around badass. If she could be one person for a day?
"Michelle Obama," she writes. "She is everything!"
She counts graduating from law school and passing the bar on her first attempt among her greatest achievements to date, which is more than most will ever be able to say in their lifetime. Rachel is also a cultured woman. Her favorite artist is Jean-Michel Basquiat because "he was so mysterious and died so young. There is so much we don't know about him and could have received from him in the art world."
Sold yet? The girl also has tattoos and is destined to age well, if her mom is any indication, she says.
Host Chris Harrison also named Rachel among his top five women to watch.
"She is an incredibly smart, very strong-willed, professional woman," he told Yahoo. "She knows how to command a courtroom and therefore a room in general, so she can kind of impose her will on everybody."
Elizabeth Whitelaw is a local marketing manager, who's all-time favorite movies include The Notebook and Finding Nemo. Contrary to her competition, Elizabeth's profile reads hollow and vapid. If she could be anyone for a day?
"Kate Middleton or Britney Spears," she writes. "Kate, because she's a princess, duh! Britney, because she's the queen, duh!"
What's her greatest achievement to date?
"Not just one thing," she writes. "My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate."
Even the answer about her favorite TV show is riddled with the insecurity of a teenager.
"Game of Thrones, if I don't want people to judge me. Ja'mie: Private School Girl, if I don't care!"
Judgement aside, at age 35, Viall is more than a decade Elizabeth's senior. Like, what are the chances she's even seen the original Star Wars?
Other notable contestants include...
Ida Marie De Los Santos
Ida Marie is from Harligen, Texas, down by South Padre Island. And if she could be any fruit or veggie, she's choose a strawberry -- "They are sexual and taste great with wine," she says.
Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer. The end.
Not to be confused with Jordan Rodgers ex-girlfriend Brittany Farrar, who almost derailed last season by claiming the former NFL player was a cheater. This Brittany says she admires Beyonce, which we can definitely get behind.
Meet the rest of the cast at ABC.com.
Set your DVRs for Monday, Jan. 2 at 7 p.m. CST and don't forget to the wine!