"Previously on The Real Housewives of Dallas": Too much talk about pooping and farting, LeeAnne Locken and Brandi Redmond go on the offensive and Cary Deuber has a remarkable propensity for stating the obvious. Oh yeah, and Plano got burned.
That sets us up for Episode 2, appropriately titled "Mad as a Hatter."
First up, LeeAnne is talking to her dog, who is apparently not listening. Brandi, take note.
OK, the fuzzy bits over the lady bits are giving this plastic surgery scene a sci-fi vibe. I get it; you're driving home Cary's point from the premiere that you have to have great boobs. But I know -- you know, because Google -- that Dr. Deuber does way more than that. I'll get off my soapbox now, so you can get back to the recap.
The camera flies to Tiffany Hendra's house, where husband Aaron (I'm starting to call him Keith Suburban) is making breakfast, or at least putting eggs on a plate alongside strawberries. They talk pretty to each other, like they do.
Brandi and Stephanie Hollman go back to the scene of Brandi's first crime, Marie Reyes' house. So, in a scene I wished they had shown last week, we find out through voice-over that Brandi and Marie had talked about Brandi stopping by to teach her young daughter some cheerleader moves.
Someone says, "I'm so excited to see Brandi teach Sofia to dance." That makes one of us.
S/N: Why is Marie being reduced to an object, a possession? Her name comes up, so viewers will remember who is who, I get that, but to be constantly put on blast as "LeeAnne's friend" would bother me to no end. If you cut her, does she not bleed?
But then all sympathy is lost when Marie says, within her child's hearing, "I was talking to Brandi about the fact that we don't really have the moves." Sofia's got moves. They may not be her mother's moves or the kind that are thought of as traditionally graceful or athletic, but they are hers. Whatever: Save the cheerleader, save the world.
So, Brandi commences throwing her hair a lot while we listen to her talk about how she knew she wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader "from a very young age." She says she would find the tallest hill and just throw herself down it. OK, now I get it. LeeAnne is this self-made cheerleader's hill!
After the lesson, Brandi apologizes to Marie for her actions at the no-tie dinner. No Jesus Juice involved.
"My intention was not to make a scene," Brandi says. Really? Because there were cameras.
Oh, Marie: "I've known LeeAnne a long time but the majority of people that know her don't know her." She puts air quotes around that last part. "She's a much different person in a private setting than in a public setting. They're both really incredible people but they're very different."
Oh, Marie, part two: Did you see Brandi's face while you were saying this? We did. Brandi is wise enough to keep it to herself then but later tells the camera: "Absolutely, there’s two sides to her … and also three, four and five.”
And then Stephanie and Marie make some ridiculous claims about bonding and humor. Then there would be no show! Just stop talking.
And now we understand LeeAnne's chat with the dog. Using an exchange with an animal to humanize a person isn't a good look, show.
And, right on cue, there's some bull.
It's also not a good look when Cary says she stopped cooking when she burned her finger on the oven -- wait, I have that toaster oven, too -- because she touched the heating element. Don't play that game, Cary, you're all we got!
"I totally touched that thing," she says, opening the oven door and pointing to the heating element. "I didn't know you weren't supposed to."
Life rule number 4,215: If it's inside an oven and it's glowing, don't touch it.
And you want me to let you assist in a looks-altering surgery? Maybe she's like some athletes who are clumsy off the field. Doubtful, but maybe.
But she's "good with the big oven."
And then Cary talks about her husband Mark, "a total fixer-upper."
"He was a chubby, married plastic surgeon with a really bad haircut and man boobs." But "it wasn't like we were doing it when he was fat."
Did you press pause here? Because I did. Deep breath. OK, bygones. Too early.
"I don't know what inspired him to lose 80 pounds," Cary says, continuing to lacerate my ear drums, and squares her shoulders and smiles. "Maybe my magical junk. You'd lose weight for that, too. I promise."
Wait, is she flirting with the person behind the camera?! This has suddenly gotten more interesting.
Here comes her little girl, Zuri, 2, and my heart melts at the sight of her fashion choices. She's already learning a bunch of languages, but only so they can eventually summer in Switzerland.
Cary is "is totally living the dream."
LeeAnne says she lived here for 16 years and no one knew who she was. But she started beginning to know all the people involved in Dallas charity and worked her way in. Take note, climbers: "I volunteer," she says. Do some good while you're trying to get in good.
Anyway, she's meeting with hat designer Andre Yabin. Tiffany is there, too.
"Mad Hatter's is the event of the season and it benefits the Dallas Arboretum," she says. "Mad Hatter's is attended by the who's who of Dallas society. I mean, you don't miss it ... you break your ankle, you show up in a wheelchair."
LeeAnne is the Kobe Bryant of Mad Hatter's.
She's looking for a repeat from the previous event at which her "5-feet-tall and 4-feet-wide" hat won Most Botanical. LeeAnne is teaching, y'all: This is how you do business. She says thousands of dollars are spent on the hats people wear but she gets hers for free because the designers want the publicity.
Cut to Brandi, who's in opposite world being giggly DIY mode with Stephanie, making a hat that she's calling "Poop in the Park."
Oof, then Brandi says it again: "These women in Dallas are ridiculous."
But she makes a point: "They are so serious about these hats. They spend thousands of dollars on it and you're not gonna wear it again, ladies. Hello..."
She's there for the cause but she wants to have fun, too, with fake grass, fake "turds" and a plunger. Later she says, "My hat will be the [expletive]."
Stephanie: "Most people don't really think that our stupidity is funny. I do get that. But Brandi will be herself. It's who she is and I love that about her. I just can't go there with her."
Stephanie predicts that Brandi's not going to have any friends left if she wears the hat. Stephanie has a little bit of won't and a whole lot of can't working here: She runs charitable contributions for her family and she's trying to behave "respectfully."
"It would be hard for me to raise funds," she says, "if I was known as the poop hat girl."
So say we all.
In the middle of the funny, Stephanie comes clean that she wrote an email to LeeAnne saying they had not ganged up on her, closing it by writing, "Thanks for your consideration." Run, run, duck, duck: Stephanie is scared!
Whoa. LeeAnne is the consigliere of the charity world.
Stephanie doesn't want to be involved. She says she's seen LeeAnne go after and attack people and that "she has a lot of power." Oh, this is about to go to the mattresses!
And then she reads LeeAnne's response that calls Brandi judgmental and mean-spirited. Brandi gives Stephanie an out: "You don't need to get in the middle of this any more."
Brandi's a ride-or-die chick.
And we go to LeeAnne, grilling by the pool. Tiffany is there.
"When I first met LeeAnne, on a modeling job, I was like, 'Oh my gosh, this girl is a piece of work'," says Tiffany. "She was so obnoxious. I actually kinda hated her. Then I was actually booked with her again. ... I saw this different side of her."
And her survival instincts kicked in. "I gotta be friends with her."
Keith Suburban talked about some of the things he had to do on a dairy farm when he was growing up. And he talks about artificially inseminating cows. And then he talks out of school, er, bedroom. I'm not typing this stuff any more. (OK, I just thought about rent, so I'm typing again.)
"I thought you guys were already married," Keith Suburban says to LeeAnne and boyfriend Rich.
Rich: "What? No, no, no."
LeeAnne: "This is how I've been wanting it, for like, forever."
Rich: "I know. It's desperation."
Tiffany: "Can we do this before she turns 50, please?"
Rich: "Well, she told me she was 30, so yeah. Sure. Got 20 years."
LeeAnne gets a faraway look in her eyes and, if she's anything like I am about this conversation, she's practicing her astral projection skills trying for an out-of-body experience.
He just had to make me write it, didn't they? Dang. Here goes: desperate housewife.
Tiffany, you're not right but you're not wrong: "I do think marriage will help LeeAnne feel more secure, so she doesn't feel like she has to be Miss. Dallas. Charity. 24. 7." Rich is over it already.
Tiffany and Suburban are at home, eating. Well, Suburban is eating. Tiffany says it's time to make a plan. Aaron says his goal is to make five albums over the next 10 years.
"I never knew that," Tiffany says. Maybe if you quit pushing up into LeeAnne's relationship, you might. Just saying.
She asks Aaron if he'd like a studio at home, saying, "I love Dallas enough to buy a house." He looks like he's in pain.
And then she tells a familiar story: When she met Eric, he had a deal with Hollywood Records and he lived in a mansion in the Hills and he moved for her. Awwww. But ...
"We're kind of in limbo," Tiffany says. "Something needs to happen." Girl, you ain't never lied.
Oh, you were talking about yourself and not the show? My bad. When she asks in a little girl voice if he wants to grow old in Texas with her, he says, "Well, I wanna grow old with you. I know that."
Oh, the things left unsaid. So, for those of you keeping score at home, Los Angeles scores to pull even with Dallas at 1 each.
And, now the prelude to the main event.
LeeAnne is incensed, even before we see what happens: "She might as well have walked up to every woman there and went, 'Bitch slap,' I'm here'."
Brandi, her daughters and the dog are in the kitchen making something. I think it's a cake. Brandi says that she's no Martha Stewart. Well, yeah: First of all, Martha Stewart would put the dog down long enough to prep the food.
Anyway, the girls say their concoction looks like chocolate pudding. Brandi says it looks like "poop."
She gets some serious side-eye. The girls are just as tired of it as I am.
Brandi says she's not mother of the year but could be mother of "maybe even a short month, like February."
She makes another comment about the cake looking like "poop pie." And a child shall lead them: "That's not funny, Mommy."
Says Brandi: "I think they think I'm crazy." And then she's not so crazy: "Embrace poop, people. Because everybody does it and if you're not doing it, there's something wrong." And then we find out the reason for the pie. It's her mother's birthday and they're throwing a tea party.
Sad music. Brandi and Stephanie talk about being overwhelmed sometimes because their husbands are away so much for business. Stephanie says Travis is hands-on. Brandi feels as if she has to do it all. She wants Brian to achieve his goals, but "at the same time, 'Hey, we're over here'."
Hey, DART train!
Uh-oh. Argument. House hunting leads to some realness from Suburban: "I don't even know if I like Dallas that much. ... I'm trying real hard."
He says, "Trust in God to open doors and lead us in the right place." It's beginning to sound as if he's praying for deliverance from her friends. Amen.
Back to Brandi, who is now carrying the dog in a carrier attached to her chest. Her MIL, Jill, and sisters-in-law Megan and Lauren, are in the house. Brandi's mother, Jana the birthday girl, brings up the rear just as we hear Brandi lament that she sees Brian's people more than she sees him. If it weren't for all the poop, I would want to hug her.
We learn that Brandi never met her grandfather and that her mom had Brandi and her brother when she was a teenager. Brandi says because of the treatment her mother got because of it, she learned to stand up for herself early on and not care what other people thought. Aw, dang. Team Brandi, here I come.
And, now another prelude to the main event and LeeAnne has some choice expletives for Brandi's hat. But first, Stephanie.
Another business trip for her husband, Travis, means another list. She says the list is like "death and taxes, like Brad and Angelina. God, I hope they don't break up."
He wants her to get rid of a wasp nest.
"The only thing I want to exterminate is him and his lists," she says. Stephanie and Brandi decide to wear something that belongs to Travis to kill the bees in. OK, I can't say it better than Stephanie:
"Travis has fur coats and we live in Texas."
Rich. Does. Not. Care. Oh, he'll go to different events but he just is not here for the antics or LeeAnne's "I party for a purpose."
I laugh out loud at Brandi walking up Stephanie's walkway carrying that monstrosity of a hat.
Friends don't let friends wear poop.
My friends would burn the hat in the backyard if they had to. Stephanie needs to friend up!
Brandi predicts LeeAnne's reaction, and the rather good impression comes back out. And Stephanie, who forgot how scared she was earlier, co-signs on that, too.
She is so going to be a casualty in this train wreck.
And now, really, the main event: The Mad Hatter's Tea and Luncheon, LeeAnne's "favorite event of the year."
S/N: What's the deal with these air kisses? Aren't you supposed to get somewhere near the person? They might as well have waved from across the room. Anyway, that's what happened before Tiffany introduced herself to event chair Sharon Popham. Oh, friend Marie is suddenly in the frame, too, as LeeAnne describes her hat in detail to an amazed man. Wayment, didn't she just tell old Rich that this event was for women? Um-hum.
Brandi: "Are you embarrassed to be with me?"
"No," says Stephanie, who really means maybe.
LeeAnne has Chanel in her hat and Brandi has poop. Just saying.
But it seems to be a hit, at least with one woman who, after learning Brandi did it herself with help from her children, wants Brandi to send the kids over to her house because "it's so adorable." It looks like it smells.
"I love all this attention," Brandi says. People are complimenting her hat and taking pictures of it and with it. Finally, Cary points out that there's poop in the hat but says Brandi looks good in it. Of course, Tiffany points it out to LeeAnne, who looks put out.
LeeAnne says the women at the event are "impeccable, beautiful, graceful, elegant." Meaning that Brandi and her hat are not.
"Goes with her personality," LeeAnne says. Awww. Ouch.
And then some man says to LeeAnne, "I just really can't believe her husband's letting her do all this." Listen, buster, I like your suit, but walk away: First of all, her husband isn't even home; second of all, how is this harshing your charity high?; and third of all, shut up. Of course, LeeAnne doesn't and explains, "Well, um, yeah she's a young ex-Dallas Cowboy cheerleader."
Cheerleader-shaming must end. And it can begin with you.
Brandi's prediction that LeeAnne wouldn’t deride the hat at the event, to her face, was spot-on. But LeeAnne's ready for it, saying she knew the only reason she came over to speak to her was to get a reaction. Well, that, and it's kind of her job.
Marie side-eyes and Tiffany just rolls her eyes as Brandi tells them about some of the poop falling off the hat in the bathroom. Brandi's a quick study and leaves to go to her own table.
Oh, so now Stephanie has Brandi's back, saying if anyone doesn't like it, then they can jump off a cliff or a comment with an expletive that I can't type here. You pick.
Brandi can't leave well enough alone, though, continuing to talk at her table about doing even more with the poop.
I know it's fertilizer, but don't use it to grow this beanstalk. OK? OK.
Oh, but Cary is telling her to put a turd on someone's chair or in their handbag. So, I think that was Cary's hand that placed the turd in LeeAnne's chair. And Cary is laughing a little too hard.
LeeAnne just walks the turd over to "my sweet friend Steve Kemble, he is uber connected into the charity-society world."
He says, "And which one is she?" LeeAnne says, "She's the little red, um, cheerleader." Snitch.
Brandi's not worried, saying her family donates thousands of dollars each year and no one tells her how to behave.
Not so fast. LeeAnne says, "Crossing the wrong people in society gets you crossed off the list."
Need something to look forward to? Because this poop show can't end soon enough. Next time: Brandi dances at a strip club. LeeAnne's still talking about the hat. And as Tiffany is giving the details to Aaron, he says what we're all thinking: "Maybe you need to find some new friends in Dallas."