Ed Bark

06:35 PM CDT on Friday, April 28, 2006

By ED BARK / The Dallas Morning News

Perhaps you've herd. A PBS cattle call lured 14 tenderfoots and a vaquero to Texas last summer for the network's latest "hands-on history" series.

Braving bugs, boredom, saddle sores and festering grudges, they spent two-and-a-half months deep in the heat of West Texas, 40 miles south of Alpine. Now their time – circa 1867 – has come. Texas Ranch House, sequel to Colonial House, Frontier House and other time travels, fills public TV's prime-time schedule this week with eight hours of hardcore howdy doings.

"Texas. An unforgiving land baked by a scorching sun." So begins the rather dry narrative from Texan Randy Quaid, who perhaps next should host another reincarnation of Death Valley Days.

Central to the saga are the Cookes of San Francisco. Ma, Pa and their three teenage daughters arrive in a loaded down stagecoach after we first meet the show's bunkhouse brigade. Cooperation and co-existence are keys for all concerned. But in the first four hours of Ranch House , look for two firings and a personal tragedy back home that claims another of the show's principals. The macho comportment of the drugstore cowboys also clashes with the independent spirits of the Cooke teens and "girl of all work" Maura Finkelstein.

"Instead of Texas Ranch House, I'm calling it 'Sexist Ranch House'," huffs 17-year-old Lacey Cooke.

This being PBS, the "reality" is never salacious. Nor are the cameras all-seeing. A fistfight between two male members of the bunkhouse crew is mentioned only after it happens in Sunday's second hour. One of the combatants is then dismissed, although viewers are given no visual evidence as to how it all started.

On Monday night, patriarch Bill Cooke, the show's ranch owner, has issues with his wife, Lisa.

"Would you turn the mic off, please?" he implores. "You don't want to come off the way you're coming off."

This leads to a private off-camera conversation between the two. Imagine Survivor producer Mark Burnett allowing such omissions. The only people dismissed would be members of the camera crew – for not delivering the goods.

Narrator Quaid does his part by regularly dropping dollops of educational trivia about what it was like for 1867 settlers. One eye-opener: The average life expectancy that year in Texas was just 40 years old.

Political correctness is paramount throughout. So Mr. Quaid uses the term "hostile Native Americans," not Indians.

Ranch House's overriding goal is to corral 200 head of cattle from the desolate surroundings to enable the Cookes to make ends meet by show's end. Stan Johnston, a 57-year-old retired Army colonel, is appointed foreman. His blunt management style quickly irks some of the show's young novice riders, who have even more distaste for the bland cooking of Ignacio "Nacho" Quiles.

"The monotony of the food is draining everyone's spirits," says 21-year-old Johnny Ferguson, a biochemist from England.

Back at the ranch, Bill Cooke also tries to exert his authority, telling the hands that he won't tolerate lying or laziness. But his wife begins to see him as a pantywaist prone to pacifying the cowboys.

"You want results, you'll let me do it that way," Bill barks back after restoring the boys' nighttime whiskey ration.

We'll see whether everyone emerges in high spirits at the end of this long, dusty tour of duty. Texas Ranch House can be a little slow on the draw at times, but it also has enough dramatic tension to rope you in. By the end of Monday's fourth hour, the lines are sharply drawn.

"There's always this underlying threat of mutiny," according to a vexed Mrs. Cooke.

It already seems like an eternity, but "there's a lot more to do on this adventure," says her doggedly determined husband.

At least he doesn't say "journey." We already hear that enough on Survivor, American Idol, you name it.

E-mail ebark@dallasnews.com

Ridin', ropin', mopin', cookin', cleanin'. Here are your Texas Ranch House players:

•Bill Cooke, 52 – San Francisco-based emergency services administrator serving as the show's head of household.

•Lisa Cooke, 42 – Homemaker who moonlights as drama ministry director of the family's Baptist church.

•Vienna Cooke, 19 – Oldest of three daughters. Like her father, she plans to be an accountant.

•Lacey Cooke, 17 – Rock 'n' roll devotee and apprentice filmmaker.

•Hannah Cooke, 14 – Star softball pitcher for team coached by her Dad.

•Maura Finkelstein, 25 – Working on Ph.D. in anthropology at Stanford University but has the show's lowest status as "girl of all work."

•Stan Johnston, 56 – Retired Army colonel who bosses anew as the bunkhouse foreman.

•Robby Cabezuela, 35 – Cattle inspector for U.S. Department of Agriculture who also trains horses and owns a small Texas ranch on the Mexican border.

•Ignacio "Nacho" Quiles, 52 – Attended New York's famed Institute of Culinary Education but now must cook grub for cowpokes.

•Johnny Ferguson, 21 – Upper class Englishman with a degree in biochemistry from the University of Bristol. Thinks he can cut it as a cowboy.

•Jared Ficklin, 30 – Self-described computer geek is a descendant of Texan Benjamin Ficklin, co-founder of the Pony Express.

•Ian Roberts, 22 – Has a master's degree in "adventure education with an emphasis on cultural diversity." Also has been a program director for the Girl Scouts of America.

•Anders Heintz, 24 – Swedish exchange student studying animal science while also competing on the Missouri State University equestrian team.

•Shaun Terhune, 19 – Home-schooled outdoorsman who has worked for his small-town newspaper in Vermont.

•Rob Wright, 31 – Elementary school physical education teacher from Colorado who will join the series in its second half.

Ed Bark