Previously: Popping bottles. Acrimony. Impressions. Wiener. Beaches. Cary confronts LeeAnne but ends up in an altercation with Brandi.
And now, "You've Yacht to Be Kidding."
"You 100 percent made that up."
LeeAnne confesses she has the best seat in the "expletive" house as Cary and Brandi go at it.
And then she takes a sip while she watches Cary basically call Brandi a liar. I wonder what her inner monologue is right now: "LeeAnne, honey, you dodged that one. High five! Umm-hmmm."
Kameron confesses that Cary was put in an awful position.
"I feel bad for her. I have her back." I don't know if I want someone who doesn't know the term, "Boo," as an endearment to have my back. She might not understand what that entails.
They leave the cave.
And ... more cellphone footage.
"I'm on the fun train, not the bitchy train."
D'Andra is laughing as she, Brandi, Stephanie and LeeAnne dance around and some of them on the bar.
Stephanie confesses: "The more I drink tequila, the more I like D'Andra."
The scenes go back and forth from party, to bedtime ritual, to party and back. Kameron and Cary fall asleep with charcoal masks on their faces. Brandi's on the bar. There's probably some charcoal there, too.
"I don't like shady"
It's day 3 of the Mexico trip. How many days of this do we have to watch before we get some more payoff? #AskingForAFriend
Kameron says that Brandi and Stephanie were acting like they were Cary's friends in the hot tub and downgrading LeeAnne. And now, "they're pretending like they're BFF with LeeAnne."
She also says: "Cary ... is looking like the only truthful person."
Quick cut: Stephanie says that she remembers that LeeAnne dug up "Sexual Chocolate" on the beach and they're going to "go in and save his [expletive]."
Listen, this whole thing is problematic.
Now, we have home video footage?! Of Brandi, looking for her "rubber chocolate."
LeeAnne says "it's gone." And then she confesses that Brandi will not be getting it back.
"Should we have armor on?"
That's Kameron, who just announced that she doesn't like shady, doing her very best to be shady after D'Andra pairs the women for a bonding exercise.
D'Andra is like the camp counselor. First, the Honest Tea and now this. She's separating people into teams: Brandi and Kameron; LeeAnne and Cary; and D'Andra and Stephanie.
Irving is the host. His partners are Angel and Rafael. They are there to give the women instructions on how to navigate the course on the beach. Without laughing. They smile so big they might as well be laughing. Join the club.
Brandi confesses: "We are officially Team Sesame Street. She is Big Bird and I am Elmo." Careful. The Sesame Street Workshop lawyers are working on that cease-and-desist letter right about now. And they might be cuddly, but they're still monsters.
Kameron, looking awkward as, well, awkward, confesses: "I had my chromosomes tested. I did the whole DNA testing thing. I do have a professional athlete gene."
There is such a thing? I have so many questions. This is what leads women to try to ... wait, I will not go there. This is not the time nor the place. I'm backing out of this room.
Whatever. Kam wins her leg of the relay. And then they seem just as surprised as me that they won the challenge.
LeeAnne is still digging in the sand, saying "I can't do this." Honey, boob surgery hurts more after than before. And then she talks in confession about how swollen they are and hurt.
Now, they're playing volleyball. LeeAnne is serving and beating the other team by herself. Brandi's just dancing in the sand.
Kameron: "I'm tall but I'm not sporty."
LeeAnne: "This is where being high school volleyball captain comes in handy."
LeeAnne wins the game, with a cheer from teammates Brandi and Stephanie.
"I'm giving up trying to please Big Bird."
And now, a picnic.
After making me sit through this, there had better be a bombshell near the end of this episode.
Cary asks Stephanie about the house.
Walk with me here: Stephanie starts talking about the house and then Cary mentions the distance to the schools. That makes Stephanie think about the little one and how it took her two years to move him to another school. She begins to cry. They ask her if she's OK. And Cary says, "I love you."
Then Cary says that she has to go wash sand out of her vagina. Record scratch.
Brandi can't believe that Kameron doesn't have a problem with Cary saying that in such a public forum, and while they're eating lunch. The others can't believe it either.
Brandi confesses that if she had said it, it would be another party foul on her record.
Kameron explains that it's a legitimate medical issue, so Cary is allowed.
I can't with her.
LeeAnne: "Let's just go freshen up." See, there was another way to say the same thing.
"Have you seen my movies?"
This is a bad idea.
Brandi walks in with flat-ironed, dark hair and wearing a sparkly gold, short onesie.
Brandi confesses: "Stephanie and I are going to go undercover. We're gonna pretend like we're LeeAnne and D'Andra to try to get a room key. ... We're gonna bring Sexual Chocolate home."
(I can't believe that I just capitalized that plantation nonsense.)
So, Brandi does the worst impression of LeeAnne that I've ever seen her do. I think the poor man at the front desk just gave them the key to get them to leave him alone.
They get in the suite and Stephanie eats some of the leftover breakfast because she loves pancakes.
They find what they are looking for underneath a pillow. Stephanie eats some food on her way out.
"If one of them misbehaves, trust me, I'm gonna throw them overboard."
It's such a Real Housewives thing to charter a yacht. Didn't we get some violence on RHOA. They should make yachts off-limits.
OK, what was that monstrosity of a cellphone case that Kameron has?! She's doing a group selfie and all I can see is that hot pink phone case that is shaped like a hand mirror out of some fairy tale.
Cary says, "It is going to be a [expletive] show out there." She notes the big waves and how windy it is. The sun won't matter soon.
Is this guy just there to keep the liquor flowing?
Kameron's being the thing she hates again: shady.
She leans over to Stephanie and stage whispers that she thinks it's so fake, what's going on over there with the three of them: Stephanie, LeeAnne and Brandi, who are sitting nicely together.
Why. Stir. This. Pot? You haven't done anything all season and now you want to start something? Girl, bye.
But you gotta admire the honesty: "OK, ladies, so I have a few questions for you guys. I am extremely confused and it's hard to sit here when I know how you both feel..."
D'Andra takes off her sunglasses and opens her mouth as if to say something. I get the feeling she did say something and they edited it out. D'Andra ain't got time for this mess.
Kameron continues: "And I've heard many, many things about how horrible LeeAnne is and not once did you ever express how you felt to her."
LeeAnne's face is a little sour, and you can tell even though sunglasses hide most of it.
Brandi, even more direct: "You are so full of [expletive]."
Kameron: "Why did you make fun of LeeAnne about her doctor when we first got to the hotel?"
Flashback. Hey, if they cut out all the reminders of past indiscretions, we could have a 30-minute show! Hint, hint.
D'Andra rides in and tells everyone to hold on and "let's talk about the truth." And she says that Brandi and Stephanie told her that Cary had said something about Rich on the beach. Something so bad that they couldn't even repeat it.
Cary 'fesses up. And D'Andra's like, "That's all?"
Girl, that's what I say about all of y'all's mess.
Oh, Good Lord! In confession, LeeAnne pulls up a full-body picture of Rich and says, "This is the silver fox." She zooms in, "And this is his package." She smiles. Sigh. Too. Far. Are you there, God? It's me, Dawn.
Cary says she shouldn't have said anything about Rich, even in a joking fashion. Then she points out that Brandi and Stephanie thought it was funny. Brandi goes off: Why is she in the middle? Why does she have to deal with this stuff?
A word, Brandi? Quit running back and telling every little thing you are witness to. Doing that will always put you in the middle. Do you think you have so little to offer by way of conversation and deed that you have to just talk about what other people are saying or doing? That may not be true, but that's sure what these nine episodes are showing.
And Brandi says something she should have said long ago and way before she said anything else: "Own it. ... I'm out."
Cary confesses: "I want out, too. Can we go together?" Girl, me three.
Brandi tells Cary that she had her back when LeeAnne said things about Mark. LeeAnne cops to saying that Mark was running a chop shop. Brandi reminds her of what she said when she was worked up before surgery. I shall not rewrite that rumor about Mark and The Round-up here.
LeeAnne looks like she's in pain. Cary: "Really?"
Cary, in confession: "Wow. That's low, honey. And how is that your business?"
LeeAnne, on the yacht: "I'll own that. And that has been said to me."
She also guarantees that if anyone comes to Dallas and mentions Mark's name that they'll hear the same stuff she hears. She then qualifies it by saying, "I spend the majority of my time in the LGBT community."
Cary says LeeAnne's energy is "repulsive." She wonders at what point she should walk away.
LeeAnne, in confession: "I think it would be awesome to be the first bisexual couple on Housewives." She uses a makeup sponge to dab at her chin. "Just do it."
Here comes the waves. Cary says she has vertigo.
"The only thing that's gonna make me sick is another fight among these girls."
Stephanie confesses she's never getting on a boat again. She's on the floor of the boat. Then she stands up and throws up over the railing.
Brandi laughs: "Stephanie officially has a party foul."
And then Cary goes over the railing. While Brandi takes another shot. Stephanie tells her to stop rubbing it in.
They talk about how bad the boat ride was. Brandi, heh: "I have never wanted sharks to eat people more in my life."
Now, it's Stephanie, Cary, Kameron and Brandi sitting together talking. Cary says she was joking but LeeAnne was serious. And that's what's funny about it.
Brandi: "I love to hate her and I hate to love her." Girl, you got it bad.
LeeAnne comes over: "Since I'm being talked about it and can somewhat hear it ..."
Cary confesses that LeeAnne is always apologizing because she's always doing something she has to apologize for. Cary says it's easy; just stop being a "[expletive]," and doing things for which she has to apologize.
The truth train is coming through. LeeAnne wants to know why it's OK for them to say some of the things they say and excuse it and she can't. Honey, it's because the past is a terrible thing to waste.
LeeAnne says she's "hurting like Ali right now." Stephanie, in confession: "She's more like Mike Tyson. She just needs a tattoo on her face and they are like brother and sister. ... She's nuts."
Den mother/troop leader D'Andra rides in again and says that LeeAnne should not be the only one apologizing. She "has apologized and apologized and apologized..." She is not wrong.
Cary apologizes for "that joke."
Leave it to Stephanie. She's all serious that there's been something on her mind for days. And she needs to be really honest with LeeAnne. What does Stephanie want? You know what Stephanie wants. She wants to see LeeAnne's breasts. Pause the screen here for LeeAnne's reaction shot. You know she's going to show them, right? You just know it.
They laugh. Cary gives side eye. Where is Kameron? She's there, trying to maintain.
Brandi says that if she shows LeeAnne the sex toy, then LeeAnne should show her ta-tas.
LeeAnne calls it "El Senor Hottie Blackie," which is just as bad as "Sexual Chocolate." Brandi, meanwhile, stuck it onto a table because IT HAS A SUCTION CUP AT THE BASE.
Kameron has taken just about all she can take and walks off the boat. LeeAnne tries to talk to Brandi about stopping, while Brandi wags it around.
Kameron, on the shore: "She is so trashy. I can't hang out with trashy people. I'm sorry. She is so trashy. I can't handle it."
Poor Kameron looks as if she's about to lose it. I wouldn't be surprised if she chartered a plane back to the States. D'Andra is just being there, like friends do. I will say that I haven't seen a headband like the one D'Andra is wearing since I was a freshman in high school.
Anyway ... D'Andra is trying to help but Kameron has had it up to her eyebrows.
Cary's there now. Her advice: "Ignore it." Brandi's still talking on the boat. LeeAnne says that Brandi's obvious not in a position to have a conversation about it and she walks away.
Kameron: "She can suck it." D'Andra and Cary lose it, laughing ...
Next: Cary tells Mark what LeeAnne said. LeeAnne tells Brandi that Cary says she can't be friends with her or Stephanie. Kameron repeats what she said on shore. LeeAnne breaks a glass. To quote Ric Flair, "Wooo."