Previously: LeeAnne got engaged at the State Fair of Texas. LeeAnne has surgery. LeeAnne whispers (threatens?) behind a door and says later (and not on the show) that she doesn't remember. All the members of the cast go to Mexico. Cary "can't do it anymore."
And now, "A Mouthful in Mexico."
"Do you think your boobs are beach-ready?"
The cameras don't even swoop into Grand Velas resort. We're just there.
It's the first day of the ladies' trip. And the roommates are getting ready. D'Andra worries a bit about LeeAnne's recovery from surgery. Kameron casts some shade on how small Cary's outfit looks to her.
Why does Cary keep threatening to get naked for us?
And Brandi, oh Brandi. The Brandi and Stephanie from the first season show up. Brandi bought a toy and is slipping it into D'Andra's bag because she says D'Andra is so stuffy. And this is even before they had their morning libations.
Stephanie, if you and Brandi were sitting in class together, the teacher would separate you for your own good. That story about the eggs and the undercarriage? TMI.
Anyway, it's a sex toy. And it has a dark hue. There's so much to unpack here, but it's my job to observe and report. I'll editorialize later.
Anyway, Stephanie laughs and says, "Every vacation needs a dildo."
Wait. Does Brandi actually have a name for this thing? Did she just say, "Sexual Chocolate?" I. Am. Done.
No. I'm. Not. Sigh.
Brandi, in confession: "I wanna be with a group of girls that I know at the end of the day that there's no judgment. Honestly, if you don't have that with friendships, then you really don't have a friendship."
Her mouth does something weird here. I'm thinking it's because these words are foreign to her tongue and it's hard for her mouth to form them. Just a theory.
Ha! They're doing Tacos and Tequila, notice the capital T's. Their host gives them one with instructions to sip as the camera shows Brandi doing exactly the opposite.
And Kameron wincing the entire time. In confession, "This is not the way I typically start my morning. I had no idea there were this many different kinds of tequila. And these girls [throws her hands up in the air and waves them like she just doesn't care] want to drink all of it."
Cary wants to do a shot with a worm but she can't and freaks out everyone, especially a rubber-faced confessing LeeAnne.
Cary: "It was texturally a problem."
Our girl D'Andra says she did it wrong. She pierces it with her fork, puts it with something else and chews with a smile. Brandi freaks out.
Someone: "D'Andra, you have money and you're eating that [expletive]."
D'Andra confesses that she'd love to get them in a third-world country where the food isn't what they're used to. Ha! Me, too, girl.
"As long as it's buried, I can hang out."
LeeAnne in confession: "Whoa, D'Andra, did you kill your Thoroughbred and that's what's left?"
So, you know that means that D'Andra found the gift left in her bag. And she points the finger and the gift right at Brandi. Hahahaha! Kameron turns her back to the scene and can barely be heard saying that it isn't her type of vacation: "That's just not what I do on vacation. That's disgusting."
D'Andra makes it the table's centerpiece.
Stephanie calls it the Wiener of Feelings as Brandi picks it up and eventually chases Kameron with it. The staff is still lined up and not smiling. Me, either. They, too, perhaps are picking up on some subtext here. Perhaps they are taking white flight to another level. Perhaps a lot of things. I am backing out of this room.
She calls it "Girls Gone Wild Limited Edition: Brandi does Mexico" and she doesn't want any part of that movie. LeeAnne says to leave her alone and she and Cary cover it with sand.
Stephanie confesses that her mom is cooler than Kameron and she'd rather hang out with her.
Kameron says she wasn't raised that way. LeeAnne brings up in confession that that is Kam's way of saying that one of them is low-class and the other is not. You be the judge.
Kameron says that it's not her kind of fun. Brandi says, while twirling her hair, "That's fine. You're not my kind of fun."
Commercial break. Thank Goodness!
I figure you need one as much as I do.
Cary, Stephanie and Brandi leave together and the other leave together. Cary says, and laughs: "You know damn well that that was inappropriate."
Brandi gives a half smile.
Stephanie confesses that Kameron wants them to be something they are not. Their age? Anyhoo, she calls her the "Fun Hater Polite Patrol," which sounds like a name made up long ago for a sclassmate's stuck-up mother.
Cary's in the middle, literally and figuratively, and says that it was just too much for Kameron. Brandi replies: "And all pink is too much for me and I deal with it."
LeeAnne, Kameron and D'Andra are inside, talking about the same thing. D'Andra tells Kameron to just register your discontent and move on. Yeah, girl, but you've got at least 30 more minutes of show to fill. If D'Andra had her way, each show would be 15 minutes long.
Hey, Bravo, there's an idea.
LeeAnne tries to explain what happens when Stephanie and Brandi get drunk together, that their age decreases. Understatement. She says "they relive their youth." And ... flashback to the poop hat.
Uh-oh. LeeAnne: "I do things that everyone else thinks is inappropriate and yet I'm charged to own all of my bad behavior."
D'Andra says, "I do agree with you on that point."
So, outside, Cary says that LeeAnne was probably scared because she's never seen anything like it because Rich is not comparable to it. (I rewrote that sentence five times, y'all. You know what I mean.)
Oh, but Brandi doesn't want to get involved. In confession, she brings up the rumor about Mark at the club and repeats what Cary said about Rich. And then says she won't get involved. Except last episode, when she did. I guess.
She makes me laugh, though, when she says: "I have small feet." And then on the beach, they get foot massages.
"I do not twerk."
Cary starts twerking after she asks if they know how to twerk. She claims she can't, but certain music videos are on standby after seeing this cellphone video.
Because if that's not twerking, I don't know what is. Tequila.
Kameron: "I do not twerk. Uh-hmmm. Who knew pajamas could be that sexy?"
Cut to LeeAnne telling D'Andra her engagement news. Ha! D'Andra: "Do I need to pay attention for this?"
Anyhoo, tears form in ice queen D'Andra's eyes, and they hug. It's not one of those awkward Housewives hugs, either. Awwww.
D'Andra: "I'm sorry I'm crying. I'm just really happy for you."
It's very affecting and feels like a genuine moment in an otherwise trumped-up set of incidents. D'Andra confesses: They don't want to die alone and "it bonds us."
Everyone agrees that LeeAnne's dress is gorgeous and then she tells them she's bleeding. She thinks one of her stitches popped. Brandi looks appropriately concerned. But they're still going out.
D'Andra and Cary are hosting what they call a "reset dinner."
That didn't last long. Brandi can't let sleeping dogs -- or other things that begin with the letter "D" -- lie. Cary says they have some good things planned and Brandi wonders aloud if they might offend Kameron and if Stephanie's sure they won't offend Kameron because "she seems to be offended by a lot of things."
Kameron gives that ever-present side-eye and sucks her teeth and says, "OK...there's a level and there's a boundary of inappropriateness and I feel like that was inappropriate."
Kameron says that she's also not the girl who would go to strip clubs, something she knows they do. She says, "As mothers, like, why would you go to a strip club?"
Uh-oh. Stephanie's riled up enough to join the conversation: "Why are you judging?"
Kameron insists that she's not.
In confession, Stephanie wags her finger and says don't ever question her parenting.
Notice that she closes her eyes as she insists, though, a sure sign of a lie. A mentalist taught me that. And as she talks, freeze that frame and check out Brandi's face. Brandi looks like the Joker right before he gouges someone's eye out with a pencil.
Brandi says she wouldn't judge anyone just because she doesn't have a Highland bleepin' Park ZIP code.
Kameron keeps asking, "Why would she bring up her ZIP code?" LeeAnne called it earlier in the episode. Cary cops to telling Brandi that Kameron would bring up the ZIP code.
Kameron in confession: "I wasn't born with a silver spoon but I was born with manners."
Cary says their difference boils down to class or us, I'm not sure which. Read into that what you want. Side note: Mellow LeeAnne and Cary agree that they should accept each other and move on. Read into that what you want, too.
Brandi: "Do you not fart?"
Kameron: "Yeah, but I don't talk about it at a beautiful white-linen dinner table."
Kameron nods her head and says that she knows "lots of people" who talk about Brandi and Stephanie.
Brandi says she doesn't give a [expletive] what people say about her in Dallas. And on and on. Cary says, "Stop. Just stop." LeeAnne grabs a knife from the table and motions as if she's about to slit her throat. Well, considering what's floating in the air about her, you'd think she'd find another way to say cut it out.
Ah, well. No Housewives show has ever been built on good decisions, now has it?
Cary burps. In confession: "There's not a better conversation stopper than a good burp."
Enter LeeAnne, who has blissfully seemed to take in all the shenanigans.
"Now is a perfect time," she begins with a smile as D'Andra leans forward. And she rocks the rock.
Stephanie: "Now we are having a bachelorette party." And Cary, hahahahaha, says, "Kameron!" Because now the chasing with the toy seems sadly appropriate. Brandi puts Kameron in charge of the wiener. Also, sadly appropriate. In some cultures.
In confession, Stephanie keeps up that drama: "Rich may have a small package, but we know he has big balls to marry LeeAnne." Har de har har.
It's Day 2 of the Mexico trip.
LeeAnne just wants to stay in with D'Andra and celebrate with mimosas. I hear that.
It does not last. LeeAnne and D'Andra go down to have coffee and waters. And LeeAnne says that Cary even put the ring on her finger. And then she goes in.
Cut to Cary doing yoga on the beach.
LeeAnne goes further in, bringing up how Cary talked about Brandi's plastic surgeon, too.
Cary's still doing yoga on the beach.
LeeAnne: "You wanna come for me. I will [expletive] choke you out. I will strangle you."
D'Andra rolls her eyes. As do I.
Cut to Cary, who is now on her head on the beach.
D'Andra says LeeAnne needs to try a different approach. She wants the rest of them to see the LeeAnne that she knows. LeeAnne's leg has not stopped bouncing the entire time. We know because a producer noticed, too, and made sure the cameras locked in on it.
But LeeAnne says she's learned that she can only control what she says and does so she's going to do that.
Brandi disappears into Stephanie's bubble bath. It's way more bubble than bath.
Then we go with LeeAnne, D'Andra and Kameron to the spa, which is how Kameron rolls. She said it, not me.
The scenes cut back and forth, from one group's form of relaxing to the other.
"Is it bad that we have to have liquid courage to hang out with our friends?"
And, boom goes the dynamite.
Stephanie and Brandi clink glasses as they get ready to meet everyone else.
They take a bus taxi shuttle to the restaurant that's basically in a cave. But Alux is cooler than it sounds. Brandi says, "There's bats." Here's a tip. If you want to sell people on going to eat dinner in a cave, don't bring up the bats.
Cary wants more tequila, "Pronto. Pronto." She says she only knows emergency room Spanish after LeeAnne tells her to say, "Rapido," which she says is more polite. LeeAnne says she knows "working Spanish" and "shopping Spanish." So there. And in Mexico, no less. Mercy. It's a wonder the government doesn't consider this an act of aggression.
Brandi is this season's designated ish-starter. She asks them to play Two Truths and a Lie. Here we go.
Cary: "I'm gonna use my time in a different way." And then she addresses LeeAnne. These women can never talk about sensitive issues one-on-one. Again, here we go.
Cary: "Brandi told me some things that you said behind my back. Brandi said you threatened to strangle me."
LeeAnne points at Brandi. Man, look. I just would have gotten up from the table if that point and that look had been thrown my way. But nooooooo ... Brandi parses words: "I did not say strangle." Doesn't she know this is all on film? Anyhow ...
LeeAnne: "I wish you were the only person that I threatened to kill."
Cary: "Yeah, because you've threatened to kill three people."
D'Andra confesses: "I'm over this conversation already."
LeeAnne says she literally didn't mean it. D'Andra says the same. D'Andra takes a shot. Cary says it's stupid and asks LeeAnne why she says stuff like that.
First of all, if you really believed your life was in danger, why would you antagonize the person who might hold your life in their hands?
Why would you go on vacation with them?
I don't think they watch as much Snapped as I do, or else they'd know better. D'Andra takes another shot.
They recount all the conversations, with an assist from flashback footage.
At dinner, Brandi says that Cary said that her doctor had killed people on the operating table. Cary says she never said that in a million years. Brandi's pointing finger is suspended midair.
Cary is parsing words again. "I didn't say that." In confession, though, she says if she did say that, someone probably did.
Heh. Brandi rolls her eyes, "Oh my God."
And suddenly, it's the battle of half-truths and LeeAnne's not even in the fight. Man, look ..
Next time: Impostors. Lies. Tears. Half-truths. More wieners.