LeeAnne Locken and Cary Deuber of "Real Housewives of Dallas" in Season 2, episode 1. 

LeeAnne Locken and Cary Deuber of "Real Housewives of Dallas" in Season 2, episode 1. 

Bravo/Peter Larsen/Bravo

Previously: I can't even. D'Andra Simmons hosted what she called an "Honest Tea." And LeeAnne Locken got engaged! Read all about it.

And now, "Viva La Mexico."

"You know it's really bad when we're only having sex once a day."

Cary says that she and Mark are remodeling the entire practice. Cary's having an issue with work-life balance. Mark says she's bailing on him . But it's after he gives her permission to go to yoga so I'm not buying it. He can't have it both ways.

"I don't know if he's the nicest swan."

Chance, 7 and Cruz, 5, think the pool inside the house is amazing. The house, on the other hand, will have an amazing price tag. 

"It's gonna cost over a million dollars to make it something that works for us," says Stephanie.

Travis laughs as Stephanie says that covering the pool is non-negotiable. And then actually helps the kids push her into the pool.

They laugh. I don't. He's getting to be the worst.

"When I was first pregnant with Zuri, Mark flipped out."

Cary and Zuri are doing what amounts to puppy yoga in matching yoga wear. Cary is tired of dealing with Mark's jealousy of the attention she pays to their little girl.

She says, "It's been that way her whole life and I'm tired of battling with Mark about it."

"It's going to be a boob-a-licious day."

Brandi arrives to pick up a makeup-less LeeAnne. They greet with a hug and a kiss. 

Brandi brought it up, but LeeAnne is going on about how Cary dumped on her choice of doctor. 

LeeAnne confesses that she's grateful to Brandi for showing up.

But Brandi's eyes are vacant. I wonder what her inner monologue is saying in this moment while LeeAnne is getting herself worked up before surgery.

Brandi confesses that Cary also had her questioning her choice for the doctor who did her "Mommy Makeover."

"I've never seen anything like that."

Dr. True hugs LeeAnne to say hello.  This is the same doctor who takes care of her hormones and does her Botox. We're at his office, True MD.

When Dr. True says that he's going to use an actual level -- a construction tool -- to help, Brandi confesses that maybe Cary was right to question him. And then Brandi can barely contain her glee about LeeAnne's nipples. 

"It's like, amazing. If I were her, I would not mess with them. They are like a statement piece on her body," confesses Brandi. "I would go on America's Got Talent and be like, 'Who has this, [expletive]'?" ...

In real time, she says while grinning: "I've never seen anything like that." Now, this makes me not wonder what her inner monologue was saying earlier.

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Dr. True, who looks very happy about the whole thing: "We're gonna be having some gorgeous breasts." And why not? Judging from Brandi's reaction, he's working on a natural formation. Let's call 'em like she sees 'em: stalagmites.

Brandi: "And get all ready for Mexico" ... I hope there's more to it than that. Any time there's anesthesia involved, I would hope there was more consideration than getting ready for a vacation, and I'm sure there was -- I hope there was -- since it takes a long time to come back from boob cutting.

Anyway ... a sinister turn, if the background music is to be believed.

A door is closed. LeeAnne is whispering, and words are on the screen spelling it out: "You really think I want to get naked like this around Cary? How much fun do you think she's going to make of me then? Why is it so [expletive] important to Cary to come for me all the time? Because I'm gonna do something. She's gonna come for me one day and it isn't gonna to be pretty."

Side note: The close captioner wrote "going to" and I just couldn't. I mean, this is LeeAnne we're talking about and that's not what she said. Carry on. (See what I did there?)

Back to LeeAnne, still behind the door, still whispering: "Her husband gets his [expletive] [expletive] at The Round-Up. I know the boys who did it. I didn't grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth ...

"I grew up with a lot of things in my hands and they're not knives. They're just hands but they work quite well."

Well, then...

"She's so sweet."

On to Cary, who plans to take a break from surgery and be at home more. But she hasn't told Mark yet, and she isn't looking forward to doing that.

They're filming a surgery for a web promo. The patient says she's going to be like Snoop Doog and be on drugs for a day. Ouch.

"Dear heavenly Father, we just thank you for LeeAnne."

Brandi is praying while she's holding hands with a seated LeeAnne before surgery.

She's praying for happiness with the results of the surgeries, but she's worried in confession about other things: "I want to see the best in her but it's not normal to sit there and threaten people's lives."

Was that what she was doing? Really? So, in confession, Brandi also prays for "sweet Cary."

I bet she won't do that to LeeAnne's face.

"Yes, dear. That's code for [expletive]."

We see Cary and Mark at work. She's getting ready to go but she knows he can handle it. We see Dr. True working on LeeAnne. It's a tale of two operating rooms.

When Cary asks Mark if she's free to go, he says, "Yes, dear."

"I feel like you're serious."

Cary tells Mark she's not coming back to work, that she wants to spend time with her baby while she's little. I hope you watched this. His eyes are hard, flinty. He. Does. Not. Care.

She says, "I don't want to live in the future, I want to live in the now."

Mark says, "Well, good luck with that." Maybe he's the worst?

"Sure, I'll have some champagne."

Brandi and Stephanie are first-time shoppers at Bask. They're "bathing-suit shopping" and get some "shopping courage."

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Brandi tells Stephanie about the words that passed between her and LeeAnne. They decide that LeeAnne is up to her old ways and is "[expletive] crazy."

Stephanie says that Brandi should definitely tell Cary. Brandi's all for sharing, except for the comment about Mark. She says that's not her business.

Man ... if you see something, say something but make sure you say exactly what you see when you say it.

"Everything has been pretty good."

Lori, Stephanie's life coach, rings the doorbell. Stephanie says she has a life coach and a therapist because she needs all the help she can get with two children and a demanding husband.

Stephanie feels guilty because she would be hard on 5-year-old Cruz when he wasn't doing well with his schoolwork, telling him that he wasn't trying. And now they know he has dyslexia. Stephanie cries in confession that her focus on Brandi made her neglect her child.

And now she knows she has to set boundaries in their friendship.

"Apparently if you're good at yoga, you're good at shooting."

D'Andra (!) and Jeremy and Cary and Mark are welcomed to LoneStar gun range with handshakes all around. 

"Cary doesn't know it but there's a bad-ass in her," confesses D'Andra, who says she's been shooting since she was 6- or 7-years-old. It turns out she's been trying to get Cary to the range for a while.

Mark: "If we had a gun at home, you'd have killed me already."

Cary: "He'd probably kill me first."

Mark: "Yeah, probably."

There's a series with their names on it. It's called Snapped.

D'Andra: "Are y'all having problems?"

Mark says Cary doesn't want to work for him anymore. Cary says she just wants to spend time at home. D'Andra walks away. Smart woman.

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"Bad-ass girl" D'Andra hits the target her first time up. She crows that she's a better shot than military-trained Jeremy.

Heh. 

Cary's shot is true. All I know is Mark had better sleep with one eye open.

And Mark? "Mark will be preparing the meal while we finish defending the fort," confesses D'Andra. 

Cary's phone rings. It's Brandi telling Cary about what happened when she took LeeAnne to surgery.

Brandi: "She was very upset about the doctor comments ... and she said that she was going to hurt you."

Cary has the right eye-rolling attitude about this, including being scared. She thanks Brandi for being a good friend.

When Cary goes back to the group, Mark wants to know what's up. Cary says that LeeAnne said she's going to kill her. 

I swear, the editors of the show have got to help us out with this one. That's not what we were privy to. So, either Brandi is exacerbating the situation or they left some of the threats on the cutting-room floor.

D'Andra is all, like, come on, you know LeeAnne doesn't mean any of that stuff.

"Brandi just called me and said that she said she's gonna strangle me," says Cary.

D'Andra: "She pops off, that's what she does. That's LeeAnne."

She posits that perhaps LeeAnne had a Valium before surgery, which is problematic but still might explain. Cary's not buying it.

D'Andra hates that she can't fix it because they're both her friends. She and Cary have been friends for 11 or 12 years.

"Cake."

If Stephanie has a life coach and a therapist because of her stress, what do I need?

Stephanie even has Torie, an assistant.

Anyway, bygones.

She's doing a charming exercise with Cruz, and I feel her frustration. Patience is key, Steph. Solidarity!

"I don't know what I'm gonna do because Mexico is going to ruin my furry bag."

That's what she said. By she, I mean Kameron. This recap will now just be a series of quotes from Court and Kameron.

"You cannot take that. That's like for show, that's not a real bag you travel with."

"I don't know what to do 'cause I'm flying commercial."

"I don't want anyone to take me seriously. Ever."

(Side note: I love and hate how Brandi talks to her daughters like they're her girlfriends.)

"What the hell is wrong with this crazy girl?"

There's nothing like a common enemy to bring together a sparring couple. 

Cary is packing for the trip. Mark wonders aloud that she's still going. Cary says she wants to go with everyone but LeeAnne.

Cary knows what I'm talking about: "Well, at least LeeAnne's threat of strangling me has kept my husband's mind off of me quitting. That's a positive."

Mark: "Just come back safe, OK? I love you. Have fun, but I think that's gonna be hard."

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Here we go with the cellphone footage at the airport again. Gee, I think I miss the van road trip to Austin. At least the real cameras were allowed in the van.

D'Andra asks LeeAnne if she's going to behave on this trip. LeeAnne asks, "Wouldn't you like to know?" So LeeAnne doesn't feel singled out, she asks the same of Kameron, queen of the side eye who is wearing hot pink ruffled gingham.

Um, why is Cary pushing what looks like everyone's luggage?

"We've been here 15 minutes and Brandi's already passed out," says Cary.

Yeah, Brandi was on her third drink on the plane but that's what moms do when there are no children around to interrupt. They sleep even when there's fun to be had.

"And we both snore so it'll be perfect."

Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Grand Velas resort, The Presidential Suite. Huge bathroom, two big bedrooms.

Cary and Kameron are roomies. Brandi and Stephanie are roommates. And LeeAnne and D'andra get a separate suite. 

LeeAnne: "And we both snore so it'll be perfect."

Brandi gets to tell her LeeAnne story again since Kameron doesn't seem to know. I think Kameron just doesn't care or she does know and just wants to see if the versions match up; that's what I would do.

D'Andra wants to know what's the deal. "I have a guttural reaction to her," says LeeAnne.

D'Andra thinks it's sad because "that's not who LeeAnne is."

Brandi's doing an impression of the folksy Dr. True.

Kameron confesses: "I really just don't know how to react in this situation. I feel bad for LeeAnne because there's three ladies talking bad about her right now. What's the deal with Brandi? I thought they were friends. I thought LeeAnne was the one holding Brandi's hair back as she was crying when her and Stephanie broke up."

Just as I thought. Kameron listens to everything. She marvels at it. But does not care. My girl. 

Another thought: No one, and I mean no one, plays both sides like Brandi. She's gonna get caught out there with no friends if she doesn't watch it.

Confesses LeeAnne: "I think Cary's going to take a grain of sand and make an entire universe out of it." 

You betcha.

Next on RHOD: LeeAnne tells D'Andra about her engagement. Brandi and Stephanie share a bubble bath. D'Andra brings a sex toy out to play. Cary talks to LeeAnne among the group, while they're out to dinner or drinks. Who can tell? The whole thing smacks of ewwwwww.

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