Previously: LeeAnne talks to her therapist about her relationship with Rich. Brandi invited Cary and Stephanie to go with her to Memphis. Kameron let LeeAnne know that Brandi said LeeAnne wasn't allowed in the house.
And now ... "Don't Cry Over Spilled Tea"
I could just quit writing right now and you'd know what the episode was about.
"It turned red and that means stop."
Zuri, 4, is talking to Cary. And possibly to me.
"You look so pretty today, Mommy."
Stephanie coaches Cruz, 5, to say "I love you," among other things. He laughs.
"You are so not fun, Mommy."
Brinkley, 5, and Brooklyn, 7, are fresh out of, well ... you know what they're fresh out of. Brooklyn may be headed for a time out as she throws a pillow at Brandi, who is holding the dog as if it's a life line.
"If I suck tonight, it's really gonna suck."
LeeAnne swans into the Essential Energy Fall Reception, kissing cheeks as if she's running for office.
Kameron, in all black, and D'Andra make their way in.
LeeAnne's dress for her confessional is like a second, lizard-like skin with a chunky necklace that should be renamed a "choke her." She explains that it's her first year involved with this organization that's for professional women who mentor other women.
(The sign says "the connection of essential energy, Friedman & Feiger Attorneys At Law Networking Group for Women, Essential Energy Fall Reception.")
LeeAnne is the speaker, something she says she wants to do basically for a living. D'Andra confesses that she understands LeeAnne's abandonment issues and we learn that her mother and her biological father broke up when she was 4 years old --- hold up.
Did you see that picture of Mama Dee Simmons with that ridic bouffant?! It is so extra and so everything. Go on, girl... anyway, back to D'Andra. Bless her heart, her mother's stealing her thunder even in the recap. I'm sorry, girlfriend.
So, D'Andra says her father always loved her mother and she thinks it destroyed him. D'Andra says her biological father was an alcoholic and "alcoholics can't relate to you in a genuine way" and "he wasn't present."
D'Andra: "LeeAnne and I understand each other on that level."
Side note: I see you, LeeAnne. You got everyone up to give themselves applause and then you end your speech. Sneaky way to get a standing O, yo. Sneaky.
"My girls are a full-time job."
Brandi says she's barely been to any charity events because her girls keep her "pretty busy." Right now, they're being rambunctious before bedtime.
As the bed is getting jumped on, Brandi says they shouldn't do that because maybe they'll turn it back into a crib for a baby.
The girls: "Noooooooo."
Brandi says Bryan wants a boy but he cannot take care of a baby. That's a clue.
"What's he doing here?"
Jay, LeeAnne's friend, comes over to chat and starts spilling tea. Something about a friend whose name begins with a "C" and then he says some mess about Cary and I quit listening since they're talking in code and I don't know if care enough to decode it.
But you can tell by Jay's expressive hands and face that he's dishing dirt. And LeeAnne is here for it.
Anyway, Jay says he's always going to support LeeAnne but there's "a couple of people that have been really ugly" ...
From across the room, D'Andra wants to know who invited him.
D'Andra, a bit angry in confession: "LeeAnne wants to be a positive role model for young women. But she's losing credibility just coming off a motivational speech to now here we are trash-talking one of our friends again."
That's a loose definition of friends, but I'ma let you have that one. Because I cannot see the lie.
At the party, D'Andra says she's had it up to here -- and she holds her hand right at her forehead -- and that she's going to host an afternoon tea at her house. She says that, though a lot of people in Dallas like LeeAnne, some of their friends bring out the worst in LeeAnne.
So ... tea is the answer. D'Andra says it will be "an honest tea." She's going to invite Brandi, Stephanie, Cary, Kameron and LeeAnne and it will be like a group therapy session.
D'Andra, with her hands palm up in confession, says: "Underneath all that abrasiveness is a person that you would really like but you've got to give her the chance."
At the party, she says to LeeAnne: "And you, young lady, are not allowed to turn anything over or throw any glasses. ... We're gonna be proper."
LeeAnne says, "OK. Fine." But as she raises her wine glass, her side eye is saying something else.
LeeAnne is just humoring all of us. In her head, she's like, "Isn't that cute?"
"You wanna have dinner with adults?"
Cary is getting Zuri so they can go down to dinner with Dr. Mark.
Cary confesses what we already knew, that when she first got pregnant, Mark was worried because he thought he might not be a priority anymore.
Cary says the week she had Zuri, Mark went out and bought himself a new Porsche. She says he's had two kids. "This one's mine."
Anyway, Mark asks if he should make Zuri a plate. He thinks that Cary should rethink having her mom pick up Zuri because Zuri's not gonna eat any of "this [expletive]." It's lobster.
Zuri says, in fact, she's not: "Dessert and that's all."
Cary, it's called a three-bite rule. My Aunt Mary had a rule that you had to take at least three bites of anything on your plate. You're welcome.
Kameron and Court are the guests for dinner.
"The whole carnie aspect is intriguing."
LeeAnne and Rich are getting ready to go to the State Fair of Texas. Rich, a former Dallas police officer, says it's the first year he can just go and not work it.
"The State Fair is a date. I'm probably going to have sex with you. It's a date," says LeeAnne in confession. TMI.
Let me back out of this room.
"He made the food for our wedding."
Kameron tells Zuri that she had so much fun at Zuri's birthday party. Of course, that brings a black and white flashback to when Brandi gave Cary and Stephanie gifts while Kameron was just standing there.
Kameron's reaction now is the same as then: "Who does that?"
Hit pause right here! Dr. Mark looks like he's asleep.
Cary says that Brandi just wanted it to be about her family and nothing else. Cary looks as if she's barely containing her laughter as Kameron sing-songs her way through words.
If Kameron were a cartoon character, she'd be Melody Valentine of the print Josie & the Pussycats (not the CW's arguably more palatable Riverdale version). Whenever she talked, her word bubbles were accompanied by musical notes.
Quick edit here when Mark tells Zuri to eat her food. And then he tells Cary that whatever Zuri doesn't eat, she's going to have to eat. Court looks uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable.
Zuri is on the floor, doing what some kids do and Mark is fuming while Kameron is talking. Mark says to Cary, "Can you pretend to make an effort?"
Sheesh. I know he loves the child. But does he like her?
Both Kameron and Court look uncomfortable some more. Cary rises to the occasion: "Excuse me, sir," she says.
Kameron and Court commiserate about "kid drama." And Mark and Cary go back and forth about who is going to do it until Cary takes Zuri off to bed.
"Home sweet home."
LeeAnne and Rich are walking hand in hand through the State Fair of Texas. She takes him to the boardwalk so that she can teach him how to win the games.
They're at the ring toss, one of the game she worked when she was with the carnival. She wins a ginormous stuffed animal.
"With all due respect, I think that's kind of [expletive].
Cary and Mark are fighting.
"Aim for the shinier ones because they're newer. The older ones are dull and they're harder to pop."
LeeAnne and Rich are back at the fair. She worked at the duck pond, too.
She says, as Rich is aiming during "rifle game" that he's not accepting that the vision in his right eye isn't coming back. She says the former police officer is a hero in her eyes, even if "he can't, you know, can't see it."
We're just going to leave that right there.
LeeAnne is excited about all the games. She gives good advice on how to beat the balloon game, and you had better believe I'm going to try that out when I head to the State Fair of Texas when it opens Sept. 29.
So, Rich is aiming and finally pops a balloon. Look, there's something in it! It's a box, which the game operator hands over.
Rich: "What's in there?"
LeeAnne, mouth open.
Rich: "You won. Give me your finger."
LeeAnne: "You're gonna make me cry."
Rich: "I don't want to make you cry. I want to make you happy. Will you marry me?"
LeeAnne looks so gratified and satisfied in this shot. She should replay it again every Christmas. I know I will. They go in for the inevitable kiss.
Side note: Is this the first time we've seen them kiss on screen?
And now, Big Tex has joined in on the fun. He says, "Howdy, LeeAnne. Rich wants you to know that he loves youvery much."
And there's bubbly. Rich says he drove down to the fair twice and he looks really emotional.
LeeAnne: "That's the best prize I ever won on a carnival. Ever."
"I just hope my fine china does not get broken."
It's called an Honest Tea. I'm sure glad they put it on the screen, because I was afraid it was going to be some cutesy spelling.
D'Andra's going all out for the tea. The chef's in the kitchen, the champagne is chilling and the staff is hopping.
We get treated to everyone getting ready. LeeAnne decides to take her new engagement ring off because she doesn't want to deal with the question that immediately comes after people see a new ring: When's the wedding?
This might be the best decision she's ever made in the run of this series. Well, that and the reduction of her blush.
Cary, Brandi and Stephanie for some reason are getting ready together. They all look a little extra. Brandi makes (pretty good) bird noises to fit with Cary's dress.
Ha! Stephanie says, "Dressing up like a grandma is not my idea of fun." Brandi thinks this whole thing is ridiculous.
And then, just as she's getting in the spirit of things and saying maybe this will allow Kameron to get to know her a bit, Cary says that Kameron doesn't think she and Brandi have much in common. Mostly because she lives in Dallas and Brandi doesn't.
Now, you and I know that's not exactly what Kameron said. Well, maybe she kinda said it without saying it, but it's not exactly the same.
So, now Brandi's squinting, which Kameron has noticed means no good. Cary goes on to say that both D'Andra and Kameron are very focused on being in Dallas and being part of Dallas society.
Brandi says now she just thinks they're pretentious. Way to prime the pump, Cary.
"OK, ladies. This is not happening on my clock."
The bartender is going to be busy is all I have to say. And LeeAnne stops there first, making her prediction come true that she would be drinking a lot.
Liz & Madison, who have to share an identifier on screen, are D'Andra's assistants. One has a hat in hand and the other has a hat in her hand.
And D'Andra is holding on to hope: "My intention for the Honest Tea today is to create a safe environment so people feel like they can talk amongst each other. I think these ladies are scared of LeeAnne." She doesn't know why, but she says she can always call Highland Park Police because they're only a mile away.
Kameron: "Tea party attire is to die for." Well, she and Brandi definitely don't have that in common.
Brandi, riding in with Stephanie and Cary in a limo that Stephanie called a "pimp ride says: "I look ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. And I feel like I'm about to hang out with ridiculous people."
These fascinators are too much. So are these hugs.
Kameron says that Brandi's social behavior is odd to her. The white limo, the skirt above the knee. And, oh, the horror of her "hooters" showing. What will she do next?
Brandi asks Kameron to step aside so she can give her a sparkly pink gift bag. It's the same gift that she didn't get before the Memphis trip. Kameron's like a Sour Patch kid and turns. She and Brandi kinda, sorta, maybe hug and Brandi looks like she's ready to jackrabbit.
Kameron may finally have her Jack Daniel's but now she says it's awkward because the other two are sitting right there and didn't get anything.
Girl, they don't want any parts of this soup you're stirring. So, Kameron finally listens and says, OK, so she wanted to talk privately and she understands. (She doesn't.) And Brandi says that she also wanted to talk to her about the fact that she's apologized more than once.
Kameron wants to know when. Brandi has had enough: "When I gave them the [expletive] gifts."
Lord, have mercy.
I heart D'Andra. Before there can be more carnage, though you and I know there will be more to come, D'Andra puts a stop to the skirmish.
It's an old-fashioned sorority gripe session! D'Andra has a gavel and a bell in case it gets out of hand.
Cary confesses: "Maybe we should do whips and chains." She's delirious.
Look out. D'Andra has her reading glasses out.
LeeAnne: "I need champagne because I'm starting to sober up."
First question: "Brandi, why is LeeAnne not allowed at your house any more?"
Brandi says that they've talked about her potty mouth. And Bryan wondered if LeeAnne should be there when last season she wondered aloud about Brandi's parenting skills.
LeeAnne apologizes and tells Brandi that she's an amazing mother.
What's amazing is what a marriage proposal can do to temperament. LeeAnne isn't the hothead here.
And everything goes to the Memphis trip. It starts to seem as if it's Kameron is priming the pump, too, when she jumps in LeeAnne's shoes and says that Brandi should have invited LeeAnne because of all the support LeeAnne gave her when she and Stephanie were having problems.
Brandi: [Expletive] gift [expletive]. Mostly to Kameron. And she's sorry because she knows D'Andra doesn't like the language but [expletive].
And then, "thank you for having me. I'm out." This, as D'Andra is banging her gavel and rolling her eyes to heaven. Honey, ain't nobody got time for this, not even God.
Stephanie and LeeAnne try to get Brandi back in the room. Who could stand against that one-two punch? LeeAnne confesses: "If I can't leave, you can't either"...
Next question: "Why do you say you like LeeAnne when you don't?"
A friend of LeeAnne named Jared told Brandi that LeeAnne didn't care about Brandi. He also said Mark was 100 percent gay.
Brandi says she shut it down.
Cary: "People have been calling my husband gay for years. Not only is it untrue, but it's offensive to the LGBT community to use that as an insult."
Cary blames LeeAnne, saying, "You told someone something."
They all look guilty. D'Andra moves on. She can't read the next two questions.
LeeAnne comes through and calls out Cary: "Why do you act like a condescending [expletive]"...
I would leave, too, Cary. D'Andra rightfully says that they like having their problems. They don't want to fix anything.
Well, D'Andra, if they did, we wouldn't have a show, now would we?
Next question is for Stephanie: Why would she let LeeAnne dress up as her and not kick her out?
Stephanie says the same thing now as she said then. She just wanted to "sit there and look like the ass that she is."
LeeAnne says she would fight a battle that wasn't hers because she listened to Brandi cry. And then LeeAnne tears up, too.
Hahahahahahaha! I heart D'Andra so much. D'Andra, if you're reading this, please come see me. I want to buy you a drink, sing you a song...
D'Andra: "LeeAnne, you know I'm not down for all of this. I don't have those kinds of emotions. She goes on to say that it's making her uncomfortable.
She understands. LeeAnne continues anyway. D'Andra still understands, but stops her friend in her tracks.
D'Andra, with an audible sigh, to LeeAnne: "Your [expletive] meter is off the charts right now."
LeeAnne is still going. Brandi goes over to hug her. D'Andra rolls her eyes to heaven.
Cary: "My arm's in there. It's getting breathed on and cried on."
Stephanie is laughing!
Someone threw in a gimme, asking what's the favorite vacation spot. It was Kameron, who says she knew things would get heated. And that breaks the tension and now Cary thinks they should all go on vacation together and they should go to Mexico.
Everyone is invited. And away we go. This is the vacation we've all been waiting to see. Bring it on.
Next: Brandi prays with LeeAnne before LeeAnne's surgery. Someone shoots a gun. And there's some ominous whispering from behind a closed door about "hands."