Previously: Kameron and her pink dog food. Again. Brandi and Stephanie make up. LeeAnne is concerned that it will be everyone against her again. D'Andra feels responsible for her stepson Keatin's future. Brandi gives gifts to Stephanie and Cary along with an invitation to Memphis, but she doesn't invite Kameron or gift her. And Kam is right there. Shame.
And now ... "Walking in Memphis." Oh, why did they do that to that song?!
"What do you bring to Memphis?"
Dr. Deuber suggests Elvis costumes. Does anyone else get the feeling that he's so over this show? And everyone on it and everything about it?
We get quick flashes of everyone packing: Cary, Stephanie and Brandi.
"I'm just hoping that my girls don't act too crazy to make him have another stroke."
One wonders whether Brandi is talking about her small children or Stephanie and Cary as she confesses that they're going to visit her grandfather in Memphis because who knows what will happen and when. He's ill after having had a stroke.
Cue her youngest child acting way beyond her years, saying, "Why is no one listening to me and everybody's just listening to Brooklyn?"
Megan, Brandi's "part-time nanny," is nodding as they fold and pack and Brandi lays out the itinerary. I get the feeling it's more for the camera's sake than Megan's. Megan's probably like, just go already.
Except Brandi bursts my bubble of bliss for Megan when she says to her, "Thank God you're coming."
"Believe me, I've checked his Facebook messages and they're quite boring."
We get a rundown of Jeremy's resume again. Are we going to have to do that every time we see him on the show? We get it. Rugged. Ex-military. Probably has inspired a movie or USA Network TV series or something.
Again: He was in the military for 22 years. He's a photojournalist. (I'm half of that, so ... what else you got?) He teaches photojournalism workshops. He likes engaging people.
Except his son is all like later for that. As he and D'Andra chat, Jeremy tells her that Keatin says he's going to leave. D'Andra is like, whoa. We thought we were giving him a chance to start over.
She had even given him a job cataloging and selling her clothes on eBay. Heh. Here's the problem: She wants to be his friend and be responsible for his future. He is grown. Choose one of those, chica.
D'Andra goes full Mama on him, calling his stare "zombie, vacuous, empty." She says they will not pay for college, "it's his last opportunity" and that he needs to stick it out for six months to a year.
Jeremy looks, well, Jeremy, and tells her to take it down a little because when she gets angry it scares me. Me, too.
Step-mama don't play!
"It's amazing. We don't even have to do any, like, sexual favors."
Cellphone footage in the airport? Um, just take me to Memphis. And then they do, and I want to go back to the airport because Cary says, "I know, right" when Stephanie gives that as one of the reasons she's excited to be there.
Cary agrees, saying it's like three days off. That's me in the corner, finding my religion.
Cary confesses: "Some weeks like five times, some weeks like 10. That's ... normal."
One word: yoga.
Brandi, who says she's happy to be back home, pops a cork. Brandi remembers, and somehow we knew this was why we liked her all along, that she and her family lived in a trailer growing up and her swimming pool was the Mississippi River.
This trip is a big deal for Stephanie, too, who says that it's the next step in their rekindled relationship. She thinks Brandi may propose next.
We learn in Brandi's confession that her other rekindled relationship, the one with her grandfather, didn't "sit well" with her grandmother. Her grandmother, long divorced from the grandfather, hasn't spoken to Brandi or her mother since she reconnected with her grandfather. Follow that?
Brandi looks as if she can't believe how she went from the frying pan into the fire, either.
"I would give anything to see my grandmother," says Brandi. It's been a year and a half. But that won't stop a girls' night out!
The three of them on Beale Street? Yes, lord.
"I don't want pink poop."
Back in Dallas, Kameron practices what looks like a middle school science presentation to her children. She has a poster all about pink dog food. Hilton, 6, says, "I prefer brown." Mainly, because, well, she doesn't "want pink poop."
Cruise, 3, wisely sticks to his book.
(Please, let them always use this jaunty music whenever Kameron makes an appearance. She's well on her way to becoming one of my favorite housewives, just by virtue of the fact that she could care less about the other ones.)
There's method to her pink madness. She knows her husband is not fond of her idea. But Kameron says it's a $25 billion industry and she just wants a "sliver of it."
"Think about it," she says. "Court would be working for me."
Even Hilton has a Kameron impersonation. Will this foolery ever end?
"The way I get what I want from Court is to just be extremely over the top and super happy and bubbly. It's not just about the facts and figures here," says Kameron, who is actually using Hilton's star wand for her presentation.
And this is actually shrewd. When you're over the top with something, people just usually get out of your way and let you have it. Then, if it bombs, then it was just you. Conversely, if it works, it's all you.
More lessons: "I play the dumb blonde card because that gives him the power and if he has the power, he thinks he's in control. But the joke's on him," she says, dropping her voice almost to a whisper. "I'm really the one in control."
She should teach a class. Wait. She just did?
Oh my God. I think I'm going to have to transcribe this entire thing.
Court: So tell me about this dog food. Beside the fact that it's pink.
Kameron: I called a few different places. Most people have been hanging up on me. (Court's mouth turns up, like he's holding in a laugh. Can I just say that some of the men this season have been really demeaning their wives? Travis and his domineering, Court and his barely concealed disdain ... I know I'm getting edited versions of these guys, but come on! Try a little tenderness!)
Court says, "No." He's willing to give her $10,000 to make "a viable proof of concept."
"If you really want to take it from blonde business to real business, I need some details." Well, poop.
"I'll do it if you do it."
Back in Memphis ... they're on their way to visit grandfather with "lots of Jesus juice."
Stephanie says she feels as if she's on the finale of The Bachelor. Says Stephanie: "I'm totally gonna get that rose." Now, there's a mashup I would pay money not to see.
Man, it's everybody! This is a family reunion. There are other children and babies. Stephanie's feeding the baby; it's actually really cute.
And as Stephanie's feeding the baby, she and Brandi start going back and forth with "I'll do it if you do it."
Cary, in confession, has the same reaction I'm sure you and I had, have, whatever: "Are they seriously having another baby together?"
Cary's mouth is turned all the way up, even while she's feeding the other baby in the room, as she listens to Stephanie say, "I wanna be pregnant at the same time. I have to talk with Travis."
They just got back together. Listen, honeys, babies don't solve your problems. Walk. Away. Slow. Down. Hold hands first. Or something.
"Oh my God. Are we catfishing?"
They're staying in The Peabody, home of the famous ducks. Stephanie isn't feeling too well. She says every time she drinks, her stomach gets upset. (What do you want to bet that will come back up later in the season?)
Brandi is taking them to one of the things she used to do when she was younger. They arrive at a catfish pond. Ha! Cary is cracking me up by calling it "catfishing" instead of fishing for catfish. Sigh. Oh, you city girls.
Megan, the part-time nanny, should get full-time pay for this gig. She gets to stay in the car, which I'm sure is hot, with the sleeping Brinkley. Isn't that nanny endangerment?
Eric, the owner of Catch'Em Lakes, greets the women and child. He informs them that they'll be wearing waders because they're gonna get in there. Brandi remembers "catfishing" all the time.
"I won't even touch salmon when I cook it," says Stephanie when Eric informs them that they will be putting their own worms on the hooks. Girl, I feel you. I use gloves to handle food in the kitchen. Ewwww.
I'm with her and then Stephanie says, "I don't like killing things either. Like, it just seems like, you're probably, like, gonna go to hell." She's talking about the worm. "It just doesn't seem like it's something Jesus would like." She's talking about the worm.
Maybe she just hasn't made that connection between food on the plate and dead animal. Don't know. Can't care.
And the flask is out. And then Stephanie is in the drink with everyone else. And she caught one! "There was never a catfish fishing Barbie. Barbie doesn't do that."
Didn't you know? Barbie does everything! She is every woman. It's all in her.
"You got your consolation prize."
LeeAnne is hurt that Brandi didn't invite her to go to Memphis and she's bigger hurt that she didn't even call to tell her that she was taking them. A two syllable "th-em."
"So, yeah. Go ahead. Take those ['B' rhymes with witches] and go have fun," LeeAnne says in confession. "We gone have some fun here."
Like I said, bigger mad.
Rich is here for it, consoling her by saying he will always be there for her. This, after telling her to go out and have some fun with D'Andra and Kameron. And then he goes down on one knee, and you could see the hope in her eyes that a marriage proposal would make it all better.
He hops up and says he knew it would make her laugh. I'm fuming for her.
"Stephanie has never passed up an opportunity to kiss me ... with tongue."
Too may quotes, so little time. Cary is only here for one-liners as she has no discernible story line yet. But she can't wait to go to Beale Street with the dynamic duo, calling it "[Expletives], bars, Beale Street: We're in."
I prefer the classical music three B's, but OK. When in Rome ...
Somehow, they're talking about who's the best kisser as they take a horse and carriage to a bar, probably. Who cares? Let's go to Dallas.
"I just want to ride her."
Our homebound trio ventures out to Boulevardier.
Can I just say that I adore reading glasses LeeAnne and reading glasses D'Andra? My heart just grew a couple of sizes. It humanizes both of them.
Well, at least until LeeAnne starts talking about her "woman crush" on Kameron, who she cannot wait to get to know. That part is OK. What's not OK is when she says, "I just want to ride her" and then goes through the motions complete with sound effects.
Back to dinner, where Kameron, who claims she does not have a sophisticated palate, plans to order the wild boar.
"The girls are scared of her."
Back in Memphis, Little Pig Brandi is explaining why Big Bad Wolf LeeAnne can't come in.
"You should be thrilled. You don't have to drive past 635 anymore."
Back in Dallas, Kameron is on the same subject. She tells LeeAnne that Brandi told her that Bryan doesn't want LeeAnne at the house. And that she's never been there. LeeAnne says that's not true, that she's picked Brandi up there before.
Kameron's so messy. She's laughing as she says: "She says you can pull in the driveway" but she can't come in the house.
Both things can be true-ish, though, right? I mean, was this a ring the doorbell, wait in the living room while she's still getting one last thing kind of pickup? Or was this a call before you come and she meets you at the car door kind of pickup? Two different things, my friend.
And it's all according to what you're looking for as to what you'll believe. Because what the flashback shows us is Brandi getting curbside service at her house.
Sigh. I'm sorry, LeeAnne. That is not the friend you're looking for.
Plus, D'Andra can't figure Brandi out. "Half the time, I think she's asleep," she says.
"I think you guys can find a common ground."
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Back in Memphis, Brandi isn't feeling them anyway. Cary assures her that they have something in common. If Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat can find common ground, so can they. Keep hope alive.
Dallas: "I think Cary's gonna be messed up in the head after this trip."
Memphis: Does [LeeAnne] like us?
"I have not been an easy person to be in a relationship with."
LeeAnne and the viewers walk into her therapist Elizabeth's office. Neither one of them seems to mean it when they say, "Nice to see you."
Things take a turn, though, when LeeAnne says she doesn't want to talk about the girls. Huh.
She wants to talk about her relationship with Rich Mmmm-berlin, who promised they would be engaged by December. She's been looking at the calendar, and judging by the boots she's wearing in this scene, it's closing in on December in RHOD world.
Oh ... it's a Keith Suburban sighting. It's in a flashback, but the men this season have me missing him something awful.
LeeAnne wants to know if she should say something to Rich. Elizabeth, who has been scribbling furiously, looks up and says, "No."
LeeAnne: "Maybe I write him a letter?"
All together now: "No."
"Calm down. She's gonna be OK."
Brandi and her mom are headed to her grandmother's house. She texted her to let her know she was coming. Girl, stop. You have to do more than text when you haven't seen someone in more than a year.
And you can't just pop up if they haven't texted you back. You're asking for it. Sigh. Were you raised in a barn?!
Anyway, Cary is counseling Stephanie about her new old relationship with Brandi as they're lounging in the bed drinking wine. Now, that's a wind-down.
"Don't roll your eyes at me or I'm gonna take them out of your head. I'm gonna pluck them out, sit 'em in here and let 'em roll around in there."
D'Andra is angry. It's coming out of her pores.
Keatin says he's not comfortable there. They tell him he's been there less than two months and he hasn't explored opportunities. Keatin wants to go back to South Carolina.
Now, we know why Keatin might be uncomfortable. I mean, if she's prone to going medieval, well, you can either deal or you can't. Winter. Is. Coming. And Keatin wants to go back down South.
He's got something, though. He rolls his eyes again. Girl, let him be.
Is D'Andra more angry because she thinks she failed? Or is she angry at Keatin? Again, both things can be true. As he hugs a crying D'Andra, I love Jeremy almost as much as she does.
Brandi is carrying a bouquet of flowers and knocks on her grandmother's door. Then she rings the doorbell. The dogs are barking.
Her mother stayed in the car.
Either Grandma has fallen and she can't get up, or Grandma is over it.
"Thank you for everything."
Keatin is driving away after saying his goodbyes. D'Andra confesses that she wants a do-over. She feels as if she let her husband down. Poor baby.
"What my grandmother did to me I did to Stephanie."
Brandi is still knocking at the door and ringing the doorbell. Her pleas and "please" seem to be falling on deaf ears. Girl, you texted her to let her know you were coming. Come on, now.
I wish better for you. I don't know what I would do if my grandmother had not opened a door for me.
Lesson learned the hard way, huh? But y'all do what you do.
Stephanie: "Let's just get wasted and pretty. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a broken heart is just hydrate your face."
Next: State Fair of Texas. "Bye, Felicia." Did Rich ask LeeAnne to marry him? And bonus: Stephanie Hollman, Brandi Redmond and Cary Deuber were on Watch What Happens Live, which came on after the show. You'll have to watch that for yourself, unless you know, something pops off, in which case, you know I"m here for you.