Previously: Kameron and her pink dog food. Stephanie and Travis win a house with a pool in the living room. Stephanie. Brandi. Apart. LeeAnne, of course.
(Can I just say that these episode names are killing me?! Tonight's episode, "Face to Two Face," follows "Haute Dogs of Dallas.")
"I always get super drunk."
Stephanie is trying to create a signature drink for her Halloween party. She tries to explain away her day drinking.
She talks so fast!
But, and this is key: "This Halloween party is kinda my way of getting back at Travis. If he thinks he can spend millions of dollars on a house without consulting me, then I'm just gonna spend thousands of dollars on a Halloween party without consulting him."
Seems fair. Go ahead, Steph. Tell us what you're gonna do. Can I just say that we lead very different lives. She's getting revenge on someone for actually buying, buying her a millions-dollar home. Girl, bye.
I understand it may not be the one you want, but sheesh. The church I grew up in had a pool in the back that we covered with a wood covering. You wouldn't even know it was there unless someone showed you (or you were baptized in it). Cover it, which is just what happened according to Twitter.
"You love meatballs."
Cary and Zuri, 3, are making Halloween cookies. She's been sneaking out of work early to try to be domesticated. They are making a mess. Zuri laughs at the attempt to run the mixer.
"I love you but I don't think I have time for this ..."
Hilton, 6, is in the backseat and Court asks her to translate at the "authentic Mexican restaurant" that he and Kameron are on their way to. Cruise is sick, so Hilton gets the honor. She's game.
They pull up to Meso Maya.
"Cabo was amazing. We are just craving more Mexican food," says Kam. "And just to hear Hilton speak more Spanish is just music to my ears."
Kameron calls it Hilton's "little superpower."
I can't stop laughing. It seems as if Court rolls his eyes every time Kameron opens her mouth. It could be a trick of the lights or the editing; you decide. Maybe I'm projecting.
And here it comes -- pink dog food!
Court: "I think you need to find some other investors." He doesn't seem to have the time or the money for this idea and she won't catch a clue. She's like a, heh, dog with a bone with this idea.
She asks Hilton to tell "Daddy en Espanol" that this is a fabulous idea. Court says he'll believe it when he sees it.
"You don't need a drink after hanging around with her all day?"
Dr. Deuber comes home, still in scrubs. And passive aggressives all over the place. Cary says it's because he misses her at work, holding his hand.
"I kinda feel like she's being two-faced with me."
Brandi meets LeeAnne at Ida Claire. Brandi asks about Rich. LeeAnne says it's nice having him home.
Then they get down to show business. LeeAnne says that Stephanie invited her to a Halloween party and it surprised her because of the text message from the first two episodes in which Stephanie said LeeAnne was up to her old ways.
Brandi was invited, too. Neither claims to know which Stephanie they're going to get. Neither has replied to the invite, and then Brandi says what everyone's been waiting for.
"She's going to come over tomorrow." LeeAnne's mouth drops open.
Brandi confesses: "Stephanie has spoke out negatively about my family on several occasions. She was putting her society life first, before our friendship and then finally (she throws up her hands), I cut her off so I don't get it. How she doesn't know."
At the restaurant, Brandi cries, saying she thinks that's what hurt her so bad. "I just want her to hear me," she says.
LeeAnne is all for reconciliation. She's gonna pray that it doesn't interrupt her friendship with Brandi "because that would break my heart."
"I am pretty hard on people I care about."
Jeremy is teaching D'Andra how to cook something that looks really good.
She VO's that they met in D.C. Jeremy and D'Andra have been married for three years. He has two sons from his previous marriage: Keatin is 21 and Cohen is 18.
D'Andra calls Keatin to dinner. They've offered him a chance to start over in Dallas as he tried college and it didn't stick and he was in a dead-end job in South Carolina.
So, at dinner, she offers him a job helping her sell stuff on eBay. He says, "It'll give me something to do."
"I think this could be the end of our friendship."
We flash back to Brandi and Stephanie and their relationship last year as we glimpse Brandi making a pitcher of something and Stephanie motoring to Brandi's house.
They greet with a hug and quiet, hushed tones. They sit outside by the pool. Brandi says she doesn't even know where to start.
But she says, "I think it all started with little, petty things."
Brandi says that she thinks that Stephanie thought she was damaging her reputation. Brandi brings up the blog post that Stephanie wrote comparing her marriage to a "slow motion car crash" and that it not only hurt her, it hurt Bryan.
Brandi calls up the post and shows it to Stephanie, who seems to be genuinely surprised at what she wrote. Something in this milk ain't clean, y'all. But Steph says that wasn't being mean, that's just how she felt.
I'm just gonna sit that right there.
Stephanie: "I feel like you threw me away like a piece of trash. I really do."
Stephanie wants Brandi to take ownership. Brandi brings up more, saying that a local station said that Stephanie confirmed that her children got thrown out of a school. Stephanie says the girl called her and "maybe I was played by that situation but she knew."
But, hold up, it was not your place to confirm or deny.
Then she's back in my good(ish) graces: "I did that. I can see how that would be very hurtful."
Stephanie starts crying and says that Brandi "gutted me." Brandi: "I love you and I don't want to fight. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
They hug it out. And ... they're back. Stephanie: "I snotted in your hair."
Stephanie admits that she was scared to come because she was afraid to lose something. Y'all, this is touching.
It makes me want to call, well, never mind. I'm not calling her.
"I'm literally going to show up at your house with a bottle of wine and sit on your doorstep next time this happens," says Stephanie. "It's gonna be fine."
"When I think about what's in my closets, it's millions. We could probably own an island somewhere."
D'Andra is calling Keatin.
She's using the eBay thing to give him something to do and clean out her closet.
He's giving her all sorts of side eye and trying not to laugh and trying not to say, well, anything as they go about pricing some of the dresses.
"I don't trust Stephanie."
LeeAnne is talking with her therapist Elizabeth.
She lets her therapist know that she's going as "Two Face," inspired by Stephanie. To Stephanie's party.
Elizabeth: "That I don't love. You get the costume mixed with the attitude mixed with anger and then now we're drinking and now we have history, it's just ..." She shrugs.
LeeAnne finishes: "a recipe for destruction."
Girl, Two Face would be proud.
"Oh, but it's gonna be so cute," says LeeAnne. Elizabeth rolls her neck and gives her the stink eye. Me, too. This will not end well.
"But where are you gonna put the stain?"
This won't end well, either. D'Andra has decided that she's going to wear a blue dress to the Halloween party. And Jeremy will go as Bill Clinton. The party's theme? Bad Romance.
Let's say it together now: "Ewwwww."
Jeremy's all in, though, even going so far as to say he'll have to get a cigar "as well." He does an awful impression of Clinton, too.
She goes from that to trying to motivate Keatin because her $18,000 dress is still hanging in the spot she left it.
"You keep telling me how you don't want to work with me so much any more. You want to do yoga instead."
Mark and Cary go to shoot an online video. Cary would rather spend time with Zuri.
B.J. Scott, the promo director, puts the microphone on Cary while Mark gets hair and makeup. The director, Terri, explains that what they're doing in this particular piece is explaining how they work together "surgeon, nurse, husband, wife."
Terri looks put out. And then Mark and Cary take turns looking put out.
Cue spooky music for the $15,000 to $20,000 party at Stephanie's house.
"I'm gonna cover my nipples just in case."
Cary's painted as a tiger and Mark looks as if he's dressed as a circus ringmaster.
Brandi and Bryan Redmond show up as "Mr. and Mrs. Skeleboner."
Kameron comes as "Pink Princess." Of course.
And then LeeAnne steps out in a costume so right that it's wrong. Or so wrong that it's right. I can't seem to decide. She's dressed as "Two-Face Stephanie." One side is blonde, wearing white and a tiara and the other is brunette, wearing black and a devil horn and a clawed hand.
It's a Tiffany sighting!
LeeAnne's upset that no one's getting her costume. Brandi: "Is that a movie?"
And then, in the course of weird conversation between people who should never really enter into conversation with each other, Brandi shades Kameron, and Kameron shades back in confessional. That's all you really need to know. Turn that page. Quickly.
Mark figures out who LeeAnne is dressed as. He wisely walks away. Cary tells LeeAnne to "be nice."
LeeAnne walks up to the group and Stephanie's extra nice, asking her to take a shot with the group. Travis comes up to Stephanie and kind whispers to her what LeeAnne is up, telling everyone that she's dressed up as Steph.
He wants to throw LeeAnne out. That's his right; his wife is being disrespected in her own house.
Stephanie shows some class here and tells him to "don't. It's fine. Ignore her."
They nod a lot, as the edit goes from one sour face to another.
LeeAnne tells Stephanie that she has issues with her. Stephanie says that she's always nice to her but she's scared to be her friend. Brandi says they need to have a private conversation without the rest of them involved. And the tiger agrees.
Meanwhile, Kameron has a case of the giggles.
"It's so funny seeing people in body paint," she says to D'Andra about Cary. "I mean, they are naked."
D'Andra, whom I love: "I don't know why they have these little conversations. It's like drama drama all the time. Constant drama. Let's, like, have as much drama as we can. They seek it out every single opportunity."
She recaps the first couple of episodes and part of last season in confession. I adore her.
D'Andra and Kameron do their best audience impression, asking all the questions that we have: Does it bother you that Brandi and LeeAnne are friends? If LeeAnne had told me what she was doing, I would have told her that you don't do that at someone's house. Etc., etc.
LeeAnne doesn't want her friendship with Brandi to go away. She's worried, thus her costume.
Bless her heart.
Next time: D'Andra and her mother! Travis wants to keep the pool in the new house (as if we don't know from Twitter what happens with that thing).
Brandi invites folks home with her to Tennessee. Kameron must still be smarting from their shade contest last episode.