Forget previously, these women are letting it all hang out. Some of them literally, as LeeAnne Locken VO's, "this season on Real Housewives of Dallas.' Hang on, dear reader. Methinks we're in for a bumpy ride.
One can only hope ...
In the longest intro ever, we meet the two new faces, Kameron "It's not all about charity in Dallas" Westcott. And then D'Andra "not a typical wealthy Dallas housewife" Simmons.
Observation: LeeAnne Locken's makeup is more subtle; her words are not.
Brandi Redmond is showing lots of fire. Cary Deuber is showing lots of, well, everything. And now, the new taglines. LeeAnne wins; she's "a true Texan: no bull, but all horns."
But she ties with new face D'Andra to win the dress sweepstakes in the opening credits.
"Stephanie and I have become really close."
That's Cary. She and Stephanie Hollman have been going to fashion week, having play dates with the kids -- and the dogs, what have you.
Here's Kameron, in this pink furry vest thing over all black. Here's the difference between this season and last: Cary's dog is named Biscuit. Kameron's dog is named Louis Vuitton Westcott.
You have to say the whole name, like A Tribe Called Quest.
Kameron is a genius. It seems she's spent years cultivating a dumb blonde persona, even to the point of having a license plate that reads blonde. "It's a con," she says. "Everybody drives so safe around my car. It's genius."
Maybe I should get one of those, too. She also uses pink as a cocoon, wrapping herself in the fantasy of it to escape from the real world. Not a bad idea ... I think I shall choose purple.
Cary says she's planning her husband Dr. Mark Deuber's party and she's inviting LeeAnne because she's moving forward.
Not moving forward enough that they're above reading aloud a police report from friend Marie Reyes' campaign about LeeAnne allegedly trying to kill someone using a knife and sandpaper.
"Surprise! I'm friends with LeeAnne."
LeeAnne's in anger management and "I'm super proud of her," says Brandi Redmond.
LeeAnne looks genuinely happy to be friends with Brandi.
Back to Stephanie, Cary and Kameron and Cary announces that she's also inviting Brandi. Stephanie looks down and away. Stephanie says Brandi is pulling "such a mean-girl act," by not speaking with her.
Brandi's crying to LeeAnne about it and Stephanie's crying about it, too, saying that Brandi won't tell her why.
I'll tell you why. You told the world -- who already knew, BTW -- that her marriage was a train wreck. Girls, bye.
Kameron's maid Maria already has my heart. She just nods. It's a knowing nod. Cruise, 3, and Hilton, 6, learn their mother is insistent on making "roasted pumpkin pasta." Girl, try a meatloaf first.
Kameron lists her resume: She grew up in California; she majored in Fine Arts at SMU; her husband Court is a nerd; and Court much shorter than she is.
She also had no idea how wealthy Court was when they met. It seems the producers heard our cries from last season when we all kept asking what the husbands actually do for a living. We learn early that Court is a venture capitalist. I know, I know, not a lot of detail but it's better than nothing.
I love her house! (7,500 square feet that they "built from the ground up.")
Her motto: "Blonde by birth, pink by choice."
(I love Court. When the smoke alarm goes off as Kameron's in the kitchen, he says, "It's just not used to Mommy's cooking.")
At Toulouse, "reservation for four."
LeeAnne and her man friend Rich greet D'Andra and her husband, Jeremy.
LeeAnne calls D'Andra her "best friend." Maybe she has them in reserve? Poor Tiffany (remember her from last season?)
LeeAnne talks about Rich's two eye surgeries.
D'Andra isn't even shady. She's just blunt, if not outright rude. "This is the perfect match," she tells LeeAnne, laughing. "You're mentally disabled and he's blind."
But LeeAnne loves it; she sees her and D'Andra as the same so she's not offended. Well, we all need that friend.
"I didn't have to marry a wealthy man. I'm a wealthy girl."
D'Andra's maid Fannie doesn't watch her oven burn up; she uses it herself. D'Andra just grabs the plates, the good ones, since her mother is coming to visit.
D'Andra lists her resume, too: Jeremy has two kids from a previous marriage and "my husband is hot." Her mother has more than 20 pageant crowns. She and her husband have traveled to more than 70 countries. Jeremy is a photojournalist.
It turns out her mother convinced her to come home from D.C. so that she could take over the company within a year. That was in 2004. Heh. In case you're counting, and D'Andra is, it's 2017.
(Gosh, these two new husbands are great additions to this cast. They realize how ridiculous this all is. Jeremy laughs through lunch, at them , with them, etc. God bless them, and God bless Texas.)
"I know we've been working on my reaction to anger."
Again, one can only hope ...
LeeAnne is talking with Valerie, her therapist. (Blame Rich.)
Man, they keep bringing up old ish. If they don't stop with these flashbacks ... but LeeAnne brings up the "completely false police report."
Therapist Valerie: "I find it best if you have some coping skills before 'I'm gonna kill you'." Oooh, bring out the popcorn!
"Last year, I felt like he was my boss and I was his really hot assistant."
Stephanie's husband, Travis, shows up with presents for the kids.
Stephanie says, "Last year, I felt like I was married to Brandi."
Segue to Bryan and Brandi getting ready for bed. This, after Travis said he was at a baseball game with Bryan and Bryan asked when the couples would be getting together again. Bryan brings up Brandi's friendship with Stephanie, saying they are too close to not get back together.
The show reminds us that Travis and Bryan, who have been friends for more than 15 years, love each other so much that they built a house together. Remember the ill-fated trip to Austin?
Brandi says she overheard Stephanie calling them Travis' friends at a Father's Day get-together that she put on at which Stephanie sequestered herself. So, there it is. Oooh, Steph. Can't be flip within earshot, chica. And, dear Brandi, you can't ear-hustle without context.
Brandi: "Our relationship feels like a breakup."
"I've had Louis longer than I've had my husband."
Kameron and D'Andra swan into Woof Gang Bakery & Grooming: Your Neighborhood Pet Store.
"Kameron and I have basically the same social standing," D'Andra confesses. "We even live about two blocks from each other." Beat. "In Highland Park."
Louis Vuitton Westcott's head is hanging out from his mother's handbag. Kameron kicks it off by telling the customer service technician that she's looking for a great dog food. Because she's starting a pink dog food line.
Let me let you sit with that one for a whole minute.
Like I have to.
"I have had the idea for pink dog food for many years," Kameron confesses. "Like, how boring would life be eating brown food every morning? It's just gross." Lord Jesus. Really. Bless her heart.
I. Can't. (Whispering: I have to.)
Louis gets a run-down of his resume, too: Louis is a Yorkshire terrier; "he's my very first child."
Back to the dog food: "Life is too short to keep eating brown food." I take it she's vegetarian?
D'Andra's mouth plays along, but her eyes look dead, kind of like the sales lady's eyes as she's watching them. Kameron's plans are to eventually roll out blue food for boys.
Louis doesn't want to try the frosting. Kameron does.
"They'll work it out. That's between them."
Cary and LeeAnne and their dogs meet on a bridge over possibly troubled water. LeeAnne just wanted to meet Cary and talk it out. LeeAnne wants to "own what I did and I want to say I'm sorry about that."
(For the uninitiated, that's "God forgives, I don't" for the former and "God will, but I won't" for the latter.)
LeeAnne brings the conversation to Brandi and Stephanie, saying they need a push to talk. Cary basically tells her to stay out of it.
"I don't think she wants to tonight."
Brandi and LeeAnne are riding in a limo together to Mark's party at Stanley Korshak (of course). Brandi tells LeeAnne that Stephanie texted her that she should be careful because LeeAnne is up to her old tricks again.
LeeAnne prays for God to stay her hand and her mouth. Kinda.
Y'all know that ain't gonna work, right? We hope and pray it ain't gonna work, because this episode needs Jesus.
Or at least more "Jesus juice."
Meddlesome Mark tells Kameron that she should go meet Brandi. Stephanie walks over but stands back. (She looks so goooooood.)
Stephanie can't take it any more and says, "Can we talk for a second? Two seconds?" She holds up a hopeful two fingers, also the peace sign for those of you looking for a, well, sign.
LeeAnne says, "I don't think she wants to tonight."
All concerned look uncomfortable, especially Cary who looks as if she's looking for a portal into another dimension.
Stephanie takes her cue from Congresswoman Maxine Waters, reclaiming her time and persisting: "At your house, my house, wherever."
Ooooh, LeeAnne, the shade: "Just text. That's what good phones are for."
Y'all knew she wouldn't be able to keep that to herself, right?
Cary confesses: "Here's LeeAnne, coming in hot, like a missile." Ha!
Stephanie had tears in her eyes when she was asking for a chat, but Brandi walks out crying with LeeAnne right behind her. They hug it out.
LeeAnne goes to Cary and tells Cary that she heard that Cary told Stephanie that LeeAnne was up to her old tricks on their walk. That's not what I heard, but OK. Ah, well. Maybe there will be more shade next time?
Maybe they'll spread the drama out throughout the episode? Stay tuned. Please. I'm begging you. Do not leave me alone in a room with this crew.
Well, maybe Kameron. I feel as if I have so much to learn from her!
Next time: D'Andra and her mother have what the Mafia in movies call a sit-down. Court to Kameron: "You gotta get over this pink dog food idea." Aw, man: LeeAnne, Brandi and Stephanie are sitting at a table. Have mercy.