Texan vs. Texan. Sequin vs. sequin. Paso doble vs. paso doble.
Cold vs. Ice.
Former Texas governor Rick Perry and former Texas pop star Vanilla Ice were equally not good Monday night on Dancing With the Stars, the face-off edition.
So, it fell to head judge Len Goodman to break the tie. It was like choosing between the devil and the witch.
"You could make a case for either one," said the judge. "... I gotta give it to you, Vanilla."
America, Rick Perry needs your votes. Again.
And on the same night his former opponents for president debate for the office no less.
While Ice kept his aesthetic intact -- even managing to incorporate some popping, if not necessarily locking -- Perry just managed to keep his ankle intact. During practice, Perry stumbled over his feet and turned his ankle. During practice, Vanilla Ice's hand was bloodied. Ah, war. Texans go hard in the paint.
Sly host Tom Bergeron called both dances "distinctive." Earlier, Perry had talked some trash, saying, "I'm the matador, he's the bull and the bull ain't giving me the horns ... We gone melt the Ice."
A whole big bucket of nope.
The show paired people with something in common, mostly I think so Bergeron could make quips. But I digress.
Singer vs. singer
Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds ended up on the chopping block after an energetic jive. He lost out to Jana Kramer, who earned immunity and can't be sent home during Tuesday night's two-hour "results special" that will air on ABC at 7 p.m.
Edmonds always looks good in a suit. Kramer always looks good dancing.
Racer vs. racer
Indycar driver (and mayor of Hinchtown) James Hinchcliffe ain't playing with y'all with this cha cha. That man can dance. He won immunity, sending Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte to the showers, even with Lochte angling for votes with what the youngest member of the household said were "mad abs."
Tall vs. less tall
NFL player Calvin Johnson's slick, serious Viennese Waltz took immunity from Little Women LA star Terra Jole.
It was a big win; Jole was in second place overall when the night began.
America's sweetheart vs. America's Muva
A nervous Maureen McCormick found out that she was dancing salsa against Amber Rose. As McCormick put it, "Holy crap." (I'm sure we said it for different reasons.)
Rose was ready: "I'm super excited to shake my botty in this dance."
Rose had a great time dancing, smiling the entire time. Sly Bergeron on her outfit: "Like the 'Real Housewives of Hazzard'," a reference that could easily have gotten lost on the way to anyone younger than 30.
Maureen, in traditional dance attire, won immunity. Bedazzled Daisy Duke did not.
Young vs. young at heart
Leader in the clubhouse Laurie Hernandez vs. Marilu Henner with a tango. There he goes. Sly Bergeron again: "Will life experience make a difference?"
But Laurie acknowledges that it could, saying she may not be able to summon the emotion needed to win this one. (Heh. Marilu is all like, "I'm four times older than she is.")
"It's not like I have a boyfriend or anything," Laurie said and smiled. "I sleep with a teddy bear at night."
But the judges learned that the Olympic gymnast can do anything as she broke out of that cute tag with her hair down and slits up to there with a serious, sultry tango. Henner was serious and intense, too, and that dress was fi-yah, but it wasn't enough.
Hernandez, for the win.