(l-r) Mark Deuber, Carey Deuber and Courtney-Rider

(l-r) Mark Deuber, Carey Deuber and Courtney-Rider


Previously: Besties LeeAnne Locken and Tiffany Hendra confront Friend Marie Reyes with printouts of text messages she allegedly sent about LeeAnne. LeeAnne told Stephanie Hollman that her charity world was going to go down the toilet if she continued sticking up for bestie Brandi Redmond. But then there's nothing but love at Travis Hollman's birthday party. Well, except that Cary Deuber isn't "buying it." And now, "Killing Time in Austin."

Ooooh, they'd better come with it. I have had a bad spring, what with Prince and Muhammad Ali going on to glory. I don't need sorry shenanigans right now. At. All. 

With an episode title like that, they'd better bring it!

We're at Brandi's, the house of constant sorrow. Stephanie shows up with the children, who they promptly send upstairs to play.

'Real Housewives of Dallas' celebrate Travis' birthday with drunken declarations of like

Brandi says that she had a lot of Jesus juice at Travis' birthday party. That hangover must still be hanging on, because she can't quite get "divine intervention" out of her mouth. The intervention she's referring to is when she got to know LeeAnne and Tiffany enough to invite them to Austin with the rest of the group.

She proves me right: "I'm not too smart right now."

Stephanie: "Brandi and Jesus juice make a lot of decisions together. But Brandi and Jesus juice did not discuss with me that they were going to invite everyone to our house." She laughs. "I'm a little concerned."

Stephanie says that Bryan and Travis love each other so much that they built this house together.

LeeAnne is laying her clothes out on the bed as Tiffany watches. Look! They pack just like us. 

Well, I do a clothing manifest and then I pack my outfits together with a note on them as to which day I will wear them. Listen ... when you go off to summer camp and forget something important one time, you'll be obsessive about your packing, too.


"I'm wondering, like, how janky it is," LeeAnne, wearer of all the blush in the world, says.

I laugh. 

Tiffany says she thinks Brandi is really trying to make an effort to show them a good time. Good intentions, huh? Well, you know what they say about that ... LeeAnne agrees and hopes it will give them time to get to know Brandi better.

You mean without pre-judging her? I don't know; that might be a little out of your wheelhouse there, missy.

"Brandi is really hitting the fast-forward button with our  friendship with this trip to Austin," LeeAnne says. "But, I'm game."

Dinner guests roll out unwelcome mat for controversial Cary on 'Real Housewives of Dallas'

At the Plastics. Dr. Deuber is lamenting that his wife Cary is going to be gone for "like, three days." She's lamenting that she has to actually pack, something she hates. 

I see why she hates to pack. "Mark's a little bit of a control freak, if you haven't noticed," Cary says.

We noticed, but it didn't bother us until now. Mark is telling her, down to the designer, what to put in her suitcase.

"I don't think you have enough shoes yet," he says. "Don't you have like wedges or something?" He keeps going. "I don't see any underwear in here." 

Whatever. She still uses him to take a swipe at LeeAnne.

"He's my little shopper and packer and chef ... and sex life," Cary says. "No wonder LeeAnne's jealous of me. God, I have it pretty [expletive] good." She laughs. I die a little inside.

Then Mark gives her some good advice: "Don't make problems where there aren't any." She should get that as a tattoo.

Brandi hopes everyone is wearing "their fun panties." I hope they're going to put on their big-girl pants. No, I'm not. It was just something to type.

While the other women arrive, Stephanie confesses. (Cary shows up first, bearing Krispy Kreme doughnuts.)

She says it's a quick, two-night trip. The first night, they'll have a private chef and relax and drink a lot. And the second night, they'll be pampered at the Four Seasons. She laughs when she says that the children will be with their fathers.

"Travis and Bryan are going to have a very bromantic weekend of living together with children as husband and husband," she laughs. Hard.

Courtney, Cary's friend, and Marie, who curiously still has the title of "LeeAnne's friend" in the credit, join the party, too.

"I'm OK with Marie coming on this trip," LeeAnne says. "I've known Marie for 20 years. Do I trust her a hundred percent? Hmmmm, no. But it's a chance to hopefully have a little alone time and make things right."

The itty bitty bus pulls away from The Rustic. Look out, Austin. The network helpfully puts up that it's "4 hours to Austin."

The red Solo cups are out and Brandi's generously pouring. Tiffany makes a toast to her. Tiffany also tells the group that she and LeeAnne lived in Austin when they were in their early 20s. Well, "LeeAnne was in her mid-20s." Oh, they just keep poking that bear, don't they?

And so it begins. Brandi has to go to the bathroom but says, in case you wondered, that she can pee in a cup.

Mind you, I have never wondered such a thing. I somehow knew she could. I mean, it's not unheard of for country girls to be able to do this or even use a bottle. Brandi strikes me as the type of girl who's done the type of things where this skill has come in handy. No shade.

Anyway, it's still not the type of thing you do when you're trying to make friend. There's a highway exit right there and a driver who's being paid to perhaps take said exit. And while Brandi's excuse may be true -- that she's had two children so her bladder is weak -- there is no lid for that cup! And Cary, as usual, is co-signing. She even holds up something so Brandi has a semblance of privacy. 

LeeAnne is not having it. I think she thought by closing her eyes that she couldn't see the antics. The person in charge of sound for this episode should get an award, because we hear the stream loud and clear.

LeeAnne, you'd better listen to Drake (and DJ Khaled, Lil Wayne and Rick Ross): "No new friends."

She holds her head in her hands and in the confession booth, just says, "No words."

Tiffany: "Hey, when you gotta go ..." 

LeeAnne interrupts: "You hold it until you get to a [expletive] rest stop." Tiffany, trying to keep peace, says, "Sometimes I can't."

Then ish hits the fan ... LeeAnne says, "That's disgusting."

Brandi claps back: "At least it's better than [expletive] in the back of the car." Everyone laughs. "In a bag."

Brandi says "Taylor [Garrett] said it" and looks at Marie, "at your event. He talked about LeeAnne."

Flashback to Taylor saying, "Marie had told me something about LeeAnne pooping her pants."

LeeAnne follows CIA rules. She denies. "I never [expletive] in a bag. How would you do that? I mean, it's a talent. I can't do it."

And then, the ish hits the walls of the van, too. "Taylor told us. He said Marie told him," Brandi says.

LeeAnne rolls her eyes toward Marie, who also has read the handbook. "That's not true," she says.

Marie stands her ground and Bryan walks off from Brandi on 'Real Housewives of Dallas'

OK. Because we all know where this is going, I'm taking a break to talk about Marie's dewy skin. Whatever she's using, and I'm sure it must be her new skincare line, that stuff is the truth. It's like shea, almond and cocoa butter all mixed into one glorious moisturizer. All right, I'm back.

LeeAnne cops to it? 

"This was something that was very intimate that was shared between three people," she confesses. "And no one had my permission to share it. So I think I'm in shock."

But, in the van, right then, she's still asking how anyone could do that. Brandi takes a drink. It could have only been better had she been slowly stirring it.

LeeAnne has built a shack by the Nile: "I never [expletive] in a bag." Fast forward to an hour later ... but you know this is going to come up again.

And the strange relationship of Stephanie and Brandi adds another layer ... Tiffany says that the house is way better than she thought. That there is what we call subtle shading.

And the house is nice. Very.

"I was fine when Travis and Bryan wanted to build this house together. I actually thought it was really romantic," Stephanie says. "You know, I really want to marry Brandi, so I'm like if they have their own house that is half the battle."

Back at the house, Brandi assigns rooms. "Stephanie and I are gonna be in that one," she says, pointing at the master bedroom.

The first glass breaks and they declare that now it's a party.

Tiffany is hovering near the door of the master bedroom when Stephanie says that she wishes the poop-in-a-bag story was true.

Tiffany's eyes go wide and she raises her wine glass to her lips as she quickly exits the room. My girl.

Brandi: "See? She knows it's true. She's just not admitting it. She's covering up for her friend."

There's the difference. If this had been about Brandi and-or Stephanie, these two would probably admit it. I kinda love that about them.

Called it! Brandi says, "I'm, like, I would totally own that."

And later, "I am really impressed with LeeAnne and these skills. I can't believe I haven't been friends with her sooner."

Oh, Tiffany. And just when she was moving up the leader board. She goes straight to the pool to spill some tea. (I hear that's how you know people have long money, when they have a pool at a house steps from God's water.) She tells LeeAnne that the other two were talking about the poop-in-a-bag story.

LeeAnne says she can't begin to tell them how happy she is to hear that. Sarcasm.

Then LeeAnne lets it out: "Haven't you ever, like, you know, really wanted to be skinny on your birthday so you could fit into some amazing dress so you thought, '[Expletive], I'll take a little Ex-lax and then I drank too much and everything that I took kicked in, so yeah, if you know, you do everything you possibly can except for Super Glue the cheeks of your [expletive] shut, it comes out. Is it something I want to share with people? No. It's a funny joke when it's private between you and your friends. It's not funny when your friends try to use it to embarrass you."

Uh-oh. LeeAnne says only three people knew about it: "me, Marie and Tiffany. And I know Tiffany didn't say anything."

Do you really? 

Of course, Marie is there, silently taking all this in until she can't take any more. There's a joke there, but I'm not going to touch it. But, I know; to quote Archer: "Phrasing."

Anyway, Marie speaks up, saying she didn't do it and "I'll go polygraph on this one." It's enough of them that you're comfortable with a polygraph? Oh, LeeAnne, what have you done to your friends?

Wow. LeeAnne confesses: "I can literally feel my heart leaking into my gut." 

There's a joke there, but I'm not going to touch it, either.

LeeAnne says, "You need to stop [expletive] talking about it." Marie leaves. Good move. When they're so mad at you that they can't look at you, it's time to pack it in. And just vacate their presence.

Genius. Here's a commercial for Poise Impressa bladder control. Ha!

'Real Housewives of Dallas' amps up the husband-wife drama -- and comedy

Brandi greets Colin, the owner of 416 Catering. She says she gets a personal chef because she's a disaster in the kitchen. We've seen. She says one time she made tea for Bryan using potpourri. Bryan ended up at the ER.

Tiffany begins the toast: "To getting to know each other ..."

LeeAnne chimes in, "Without the destruction of what other people say." She continues that thought in confession, saying she doesn't want whatever's going on with Marie to ruin the trip. Awww. Come on, now. What are we watching for?!

Back at the house, Brandi and LeeAnne are having fun. In confession, Brandi says, "I don't know where this LeeAnne's been."

Brandi thanks Tiffany for the dedication of her husband Keith Suburban's song to her brother, Michael. Remember? Aaron Hendra played a tune for the wounded soldier. 

It turns out that "he went back into the hospital yesterday." Brandi begins to cry. LeeAnne counsels her.

"I understand what PTSD is because Rich has it," she confesses. She says that because she's gone through watching him deal with it, it opens her "doors of empathy." 

Back at the table, she places her hand on Brandi's leg and tells her that she's not alone. These two ...

LeeAnne says she's "done with the stupidness. This is real. This is life."

A teary Brandi thanks them for listening and for being there and thanks Tiffany again for what she and Aaron did.

Tiffany takes the Fireball on the road and toasts with Cary and Courtney, who wisely has taken to bed. Cary does not like Fireball. From the looks of Courtney's face, she doesn't either. 

The chef puts out the appetizers. LeeAnne just smells the bacon.

Hey! Cary's drinking a bottle of water while they eat. Who does she think she is?

They start talking about who they would want at a dinner party, living or dead. You know, that old game. Tiffany says she'd like to break bread with Mother Teresa. It reminds LeeAnne of her grandmother, who was sick when Mother Teresa and Princess Diana died, less than a week apart. She remembers thinking that God was taking all of the good ones.

"My grandmother stood for me when I was three and held my hand and said, '... you go home and get her things. She's staying with me.' And that was the first time the I knew someone actually and authentically wanted me." She's crying. Brandi's tearing up while she's rubbing LeeAnne's arm.

Brandi says it's nice to see LeeAnne opening up. Maybe she misjudged her?

Cary, thinking there's some misjudging about herself, says, "It's hard for me to warm up to people." 

Whoa, Cary. You know this is about LeeAnne. She ain't having that and LeeAnne butts in as Cary's talking.

Tiffany, trying to make peace again, says what I'm thinking, "Kumbaya [expletive]." And the table toasts.

And they drink some more as the main courses come out. (Brandi is having an issue working the corkscrew.)

Mt. LeeAnne finally erupts on 'Real Housewives of Dallas'

Drunk Brandi decides to do a back roll on the dining table. Of course, this is after she can't convince Cary to do it.

I hollered. "Get your friend," Cary says what I'm thinking again. Another glass breaks.

"Brandi to me is like the clown from the carnival," LeeAnne says. "We're a lot alike in that way." See? "Doors of empathy."

Brandi unsuccessfully tries to share a chair with Tiffany, while holding a rose between her toes on the foot that's propped up on the table. She falls to the ground with a thump. Someone says, and it sounds so much like something Cary would say that I'm just going to say she said it: "Man down."

If only.

On the second day in Austin ...

"Last night I woke up to hearing LeeAnne roaring. Her voice was literally roaring throughout the house," Brandi says and I type, taking a break to rub my hands gleefully together.

Cary is in the room with Brandi and Stephanie and co-signs, saying that "she was screaming at the top of her lungs in Marie's face telling her she was gonna slaughter her." This got more interesting. To Brandi, too, who was lying down, and pulls herself up.

Cary confesses: "I was trying to go to sleep and Courtney and I heard LeeAnne's voice screaming at Marie. She's threatening her life."

Of course, Cary grabbed her phone and recorded it. Of course, the show uses the "footage." I used quotation marks because it's like some Blair Witch mess in which you can't see anything. There's just this loud stuff going on and the camera is just getting interiors and someone's immaculate pedicure.

Cary can't help herself.

"I don't treat friends that way," she says. "I would never scream at any of you. Ever."

Then what are you even doing here? I love you, but mix it up!

Stephanie says she can't even explain "to you how horrible it was."

"At one point, she says she's gonna get her carny style, and I'm like what the [expletive] is that?"

I want to know what that is, too. I'm hoping since LeeAnne has been so open on this episode that she'll tell me later. I have an idea. Put LeeAnne on the Atlanta or New York franchise. For just one episode. I'd pay extra to see that.

Cary admits that it scares her, saying LeeAnne is two different people.

The next morning peacemaker Tiffany is trying to get LeeAnne to talk to Marie. LeeAnne says she tried, but Marie said no. Marie is sitting at the table with her head in her hands, looking for all the world that she's about to lose it.

No one had better touch her. Nothing sets a woman off quicker than someone touching them while they're having a moment.

Poor Brandi. "I really wanted to like her," she says about LeeAnne. Cary: "I know, sweetie."

I really wanted not to LOL.

'Real Housewives of Dallas' promises drama, but there's still no reward

Remember that theory I had earlier about LeeAnne, that she thrives on this stuff. She has Marie in the crosshairs. Brandi getting out of the doghouse left a vacuum. And we know what nature does to those.

And now LeeAnne is acting like nothing happened the night before, calmly walking into the kitchen telling Marie that they have to talk.

I've seen this before. Heck, I've lived it. Someone acts out and keeps going at you until you're at a heightened state. And the minute your intensity might match theirs, they're suddenly calm. It's as if your fire cools them. And then when you blow up, they put the blame on you. Because, you know, they were just talking.

Don't fall for it, Marie.

Blow by blow, in script form, so that you and your friends can do dramatic readings:

Marie, seated: "Are you calm?"

LeeAnne, standing with both hands on the table: "I'm quite peaceful." Yep, that's how it starts.

Marie: "You don't seem like it. You seem kinda agitated."

LeeAnne: "I'm a little agitated when someone who I've done so much for continues to create hell for me ..."

Marie: "You're mad at me for something I didn't even do! And then you threaten my life!"

LeeAnne: "I'm mad at you because I don't understand where Taylor would have heard something, first of all, and repeated it incorrectly." That's right, girl. If you're gonna tell it, get it right!

Tiffany jumps in. Of course. "How the [expletive] would freaking Taylor know this information?"

Who thinks Tiffany spilled the tea? Come on, raise your hands. I see you.

Marie: "You threatened to freakin' kill me."

LeeAnne: "OK. Marie. What you think is killing and what I think is killing are two different things."

Woot! Now that's an explanation I'm sure any Criminal Minds-type serial killer wish he had thought of.

I'm going to use it as an excuse with my editor: "What you think is writing and what I think is writing are two different things."

Girl, bye.

And Tiffany is resting her chin on her fist, as if she's just heard the answer to the meaning of life. LeeAnne has on her "Um-hmmm" face, too. I. Can't.

Marie starts detailing what LeeAnne did and the camera takes us back into the bedroom where the Trembling Three are hiding out in the bedroom, along with Cary's friend Courtney. (Courtney hasn't said much. Maybe because there's not much to comment on?)

Stephanie says "We need to say something right?" in the way that you know she doesn't really want to do it.

Marie is re-enacting what LeeAnne said to her the night before. She says LeeAnne said that what happens to people she doesn't like is that "I gut them, I gut them."

LeeAnne looks like she's saying, "And ..." And then she nods her head yes. She basically said, "So what?"

Marie, honey. Call a car. Get out of there. Go back to Dallas. Make some new friends. It's not too late. Call me. I'll be your new friend, and I'll introduce you to others.

The Trembling Three suddenly become the Intrepid Three and go off to the kitchen.

Poor Marie says, "I swear on my daughter's life I didn't do it and all you do is threaten me."

LeeAnne's still doing that thing where she's the exact opposite of what she was last night. And it's driving Marie's voice higher and highers.

"I'm not agitated, and I'm not yelling at you so you don't have to act like I am," LeeAnne says.

Marie: "Well, not right now." Girl, hold your ground. Remember, that's what they do. "You were last night, when you were threatening to kill me."

Listen, Marie, you don't even have to call a car. I'm sure there's an app for that. Do it under the table. No one has to know you called for the car; they can just think it's a coincidence.

Hey, Stephanie: "You were last night like a crazy person." Look at that! Stephanie says she's never heard anything like that, and "it was beyond abusive."

Don't do it, Stephanie. She wants to feel ganged up on. In her mind, it will justify her behavior. As in, "If they think I'm that way, then I might as well be that way." It's a time-honored tradition (read: trick). Watch out for that tree!

LeeAnne, in real time, says, "OK."

In confession, she says, "I was so hurt that I couldn't even control myself. I don't want to be that. I don't ever want to have that come out of me. That's a horrible ugly side."

Oh, so now she wants to talk like people. "I really think that the conversation needs to be between Marie and I."

Cary says, "OK. ... Have that conversation." My girl! She almost jumped out of her seat she was so ready to go.

LeeAnne continues: "And I apologize to all of you..."

Cary just keeps interrupting, "OK. Good. You guys have the conversation then." As in, quit talking LeeAnne.

Stephanie is taking her life in her hands.

"I was a social worker. I worked with people who have issues. But I am telling you right now, I wouldn't even let my clients talk to me the way that you guys talk to each other." 

And then LeeAnne turns on Cary. What? Is Stephanie coated in Teflon?

Anyway, LeeAnne says to Cary: "I get it, that you have this thing with me. But you're gonna have to back down."

Here's your chance, Marie. Go ghost.

Cary: "I don't have a thing with you. You're screaming at her." Something, something, "You threatened someone's life."

LeeAnne explains to Cary again that her "kill" is not your "kill." LeeAnne goes gutter in confessional: "Hadn't you ever heard somebody in the streets say, 'I'm gone kill yo ass'. It's slang. It means, 'Bye'." 

Her streets must be paved with gold. My streets have a guy at the corner asking for change.

I can't breathe. I cannot catch a breath, I'm laughing so hard. Girl, if I wake up my child laughing at this, I'm going to be forced to bring you a dictionary. That's all I'm saying.

LeeAnne further explains: "It doesn't mean I'm going to take a knife and slit her throat." When she says it, it sounds like the most reasonable thing I've ever heard. But I've been watching, dissecting it even, and reasonable is not a word I should use even near the title of this show.

Cary's suddenly my stand-in -- again -- when she asks no one in particular: "What does 'kill' mean?" Ha! And now she's asking Marie. Cary is giving me life! Good thing, because this scene went from mildly interesting to me wishfully thinking that Brandi would do another table roll.

Poor Marie says, "It means that she was very angry." LeeAnne nods. Awww, baby. Is that car out there yet?

Cary says Marie is scared to tell the truth because she's afraid of the consequences. "It's a sick relationship," she says.

LeeAnne confesses, "The Charity World is everything to me. And the fact that Marie is out there laying land mines that could destroy me is just further betrayal." 

Tiffany is back in it. (I love that Courtney is just sitting there giving good side-eye.) Tiffany says that it's not OK but she knows what LeeAnne means with the words that come out of her mouth. So ... maybe LeeAnne should talk and Tiffany can translate and all will be well?

And if "Jesus juice" wasn't enough, LeeAnne says, "If I was perfect, I'd be nailed to a cross. I'm not perfect." We know, honey. There, there.

Somewhere, Jesus just looked up from the VIP meet and greet in heaven and said, "Keep me out of this."

Tiffany confesses: "Why is everyone condemning LeeAnne and Marie's a saint?" You can't be in that deep. "LeeAnne was betrayed. It sucks. It hurts. And no one's even acknowledging it."

Because she said she'd kill Marie. Death trumps betrayal. Every time.

Brandi: "We need to all go to therapy." Naw, child. You need to all go away. For at least a few minutes. Ah, commercial break, I love you.

'Real Housewives of Dallas' lays off Plano this time, but there's plenty of poop in a hat

LeeAnne confesses that she's not happy with how she behaved. "At all." She's walking away and we hear her looking up the number for a taxi in Austin. Oh, well, Marie, perhaps you can stay after all.

LeeAnne says they were all getting along and that she let one person get her to the point where she's ruined it with all these women. I don't think she needs to worry. Everyone on this show has proven they get over stuff pretty quickly. Just ask that taxi to bring some more "Jesus juice" and everything will be all right. I'm not advocating alcohol as a salve, but with these women, it might as well be a white flag.

Tiffany goes outside to check on her. LeeAnne says she's leaving because Cary is going to sit there "and be judgmental all she wants."

Tiffany says that they can just stay out of each other's territories. LeeAnne wakes up a sleeping dog.

"It's not OK for me to be human but it's OK for her to steal her man from a married woman," LeeAnne says. I wish she'd put that back where she found it.

LeeAnne compares breaking up a marriage to yelling at someone. (LeeAnne talks about her enough that Dr. Deuber's ex-wife might as well be another character on this show.) Wow, she's minimized what just happened. Just, wow. Also, was she there? Did she witness that? Who told her that? Seems like it's the same type of thing as the poop-in-a-bag story. Unless there's videotaped evidence, then it's all hearsay.

Tiffany gets something right: "They have the right to be upset. Let's let them be upset. Let them get over it. You don't need to leave. You're staying. And You've apologized. Let's move on. You're not going anywhere." 

May I just point out that Ms. LeeAnne Locken is looking all kinds of fierce in this scene. Her stance, the aviator shades. You better werk!

Tiffany just doesn't want to be left behind. Quiet as it's kept, I think she's skating on thin ice herself.

Inside, Marie says people have a tendency to hurt the people they love the most.

Stephanie calls bull: "She hurts everybody. She doesn't love me. She hurts everybody like that."

Who did this? Who sent Brandi in to check on LeeAnne? Brandi says they're going to the Four Seasons. LeeAnne closes the door and tells Brandi she's not perfect. Duh. And that nobody is. We know that, too. And then LeeAnne whispers it's not fair. 

"I had zero voice as a child. Zero. I sat there and took everything that everyone did to me. So when you try to do [expletive] to me as an adult, I use my voice," LeeAnne whispers. Yes. To threaten to kill people. And, alternately, to lift them up like when she spoke at the event last episode. Methinks she needs to relearn the life lesson she was teaching those women. My brain hurts.

Brandi: "What she did to Marie was awful." And then something I never thought I'd type coming out of Brandi's mouth: "In LeeAnne's defense, I think that was LeeAnne's way of communicating that you hurt her."

Medic! Man down. Again.

But Brandi says that every time, LeeAnne runs. And now she thinks LeeAnne needs to stay, to take ownership. I hope it's a trap.

Brandi called her on it and LeeAnne agrees: "My whole M.O. in life is to drop a hot potato and haul [expletive]." Brandi asking her to stay makes her feel like there might be hope. Like the man said, "Keep hope alive."

Quiet as it's kept, Cary's trying to leave, too: "Get me out of the psych ward!" Of course, she says this while looking suspiciously like The Joker.

Plano gets burned in first episode of 'Real Housewives of Dallas'

They arrive at the Four Seasons. Courtney could not look any cooler. She's wearing a caftan, almost sea foam in color, with a single braid down her back. I ain't mad at her at all.

I hope these massage therapists are as good as the ones I know. Maybe they can get rid of some of that toxicity. 

"It's funny that this whole thing began with LeeAnne [expletive] in a bag," Cary says. "I mean, what are you, 4? What is wrong with her? Who hasn't [expletive] their pants?" She laughs.

"I bet Brandi [expletives} her pants all the time. I bet she does. And loves it and rolls around in it. ... Something is not right upstairs."

They all have on those glorious Four Seasons robes. I would live in that robe if I could. I mean, really, like, move in and take all my meetings and calls from inside one of those. Have you seen them? Heavenly. Have you felt them? Heavenly. OK, back on Earth ...

Cary, Stephanie and Brandi talk. Courtney just looks good, like she does. Cary says that when it comes down to it, it's not their job. Marie is still upset. 

Brandi says,"I've never seen anything like it." You need to get out more. You can call me, too.

Stephanie posits that since they've been friends for 20 years, Marie has just gotten used to the abuse.

And, do I believe my lying eyes? Marie walks into the room with LeeAnne. LeeAnne asks her how she's feeling. And they talk. Like you do. Marie says that "it was a bad night." LeeAnne agrees. 

"I'm not holding resentment on my end at all," Marie says. Wait. What? And she says she loves her "unconditionally."

Again, my little girl can hold a grudge longer than these folks. Just yesterday, she told her father that "when you see Mommy, do not engage." I still don't know what I did.

Maybe we can call Marie and she can tell her that about LeeAnne. Out of the mouths of babes and all that.

I can admire Marie's thinking as she confesses: "LeeAnne and I have been very, very close for almost 20 years. So, there's so much more to our lives than one bad night."

And while Marie is taking it, Cary is in the other room saying that she's just going to keep taking it.

Marie tells LeeAnne it's not so much the words she used. It was the emotion behind them that was hurtful.

Marie cries, "Why is it every time you're hurting, you have to hurt me back?"

Oh, I didn't see Tiffany there. LeeAnne asks Marie for a hug. (I would be patting her down first.) The only person who apologizes during this scene is Marie. Who someone threatened to kill. Sigh. It's my job. I have to point these things out.

Stephanie has sharpened her manicure. I dub thee Sir Ocelot.

She says, "Tiffany and Marie aren't LeeAnne's friends. They're her [expletive]. Tiffany is the mouth and she says whatever LeeAnne wants her to say, and Marie is the [expletive]. She just takes it up the [expletive] all the time." She laughs. "And then she asks for a hug." She cackles. Ladies and gentleman, Harley Quinn to Cary's Joker.

Everyone is trying to decide what to wear for the birthday dinner. Poor Stephanie. They've stomped the Pollyanna out of her.

"My hope for this birthday dinner is that everyone gets dressed up, everyone drinks ... actually," she laughs. "I have no hopes for this birthday dinner." She laughs again.

Wait. "My only hope is that somebody's not killed because I do not want to be on a 20/20 special with these crazy [expletive]." No worries, Stephanie; you guys will make Snapped, at best. Don't fret. That's pretty darn good. Binge-worthy, even.

Full moon.

They're at Bob's Steak & Chop House.

Oh, Tiffany's making promises. Yes, Marie betrayed LeeAnne, but "we're going to deal with it in Dallas." 

That table looks uncomfortable. Brandi's trying to make conversation, but her story falls flat. Everyone is giving side-eye to everyone else. 

"I knew LeeAnne would remain silent during dinner because this is how she works," Stephanie says. I've been trying to tell you ... 

"She loses her mind and goes psycho and then she just shuts down."

Then LeeAnne gets a text and turns to Tiffany and asks her about Charity.

Cue Cary: "Why are we on our phones? Can we just talk?" Really, Cary. Do you really want LeeAnne to talk to you?

Tiffany has her head in her hands as Cary tells LeeAnne that she feels as if LeeAnne doesn't want to be there at all. Wishful thinking?

LeeAnne: "Please continue to judge me Cary. I so enjoy it."

Tiffany speaks up. "It's a lot of judgment. LeeAnne gets attacked. She gets attacked a lot because she puts herself out there."

Plano fires back at 'Real Housewives of Dallas' with clever T-shirt

Ain't nobody got time for that. Especially Sir Ocelot, who feels like everyone in the room has been attacked at one point. Stephanie says she's been attacked by LeeAnne and Cary points out that LeeAnne just attacked Marie. Heh. High five, Stephanie.

"I didn't hear that," says Tiffany. Just stop. If all of you were listening to the same thing and you were the only one who didn't hear that same thing, then you might need to go get your hearing checked.

Stephanie calls bull again: She says that Tiffany pretending like she was sleeping when she wasn't is just that. (LeeAnne gets that faraway look in her eyes as if she just started playing a game of Anywhere But Here.)

Brandi says she was "drunk as a skunk" but even she heard it. It must have been loud for her to even decipher it.

Tiffany swears on an imaginary Bible that she didn't hear it. Brandi confesses that it's enough of Tiffany always making excuses for LeeAnne and that word "ownership" comes up again.

"Tiffany enables her," she say, and Brandi is sick of it. And here comes Marie at the tail end. Hahahahaha! Now they have me doing it. Marie says it's between the three of them and they've worked it out.

They deserve each other.

Brandi says they seem "very wackadoodle." Courtney has that faraway look in her eyes, too, but her eyebrows shoot up.

"Best friends protect one another," LeeAnne says.

"That's what a friend is," Tiffany says. Brandi says, "You are an amazing friend to LeeAnne."

Tiffany explains: "What I try to do is put myself in that person's shoes." Brandi keeps interrupting and Tiffany waits for her to track.

Brandi tells her she's talking in circles and that it's annoying. Oooh, Tiffany has stepped in it now.

"I think I need to talk down on people's levels, because no one's getting what I'm saying," she says.

Brandi, who had been laughing, is suddenly serious. She excuses herself because "this is [expletive] stupid."

Tiffany says that she surrounds herself with people who bring out the best in her but these situations have brought out the worst.

Stephanie says, "I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. I'm gonna go check on Brandi, though." She does the right thing and leaves ... Wait, she turns around! Sir Ocelot strikes again!

"I think you're a really nice person but I feel like a lot of things have happened and I think saying that you surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you when they're yelling and saying stuff to another friend, I mean let's just call a spade a spade," Stephanie says. 

Tiffany says that she can say that. Stephanie takes the position that the only shoes Tiffany walks in are LeeAnne's and she gives LeeAnne positive reinforcement for her behavior.

Tiffany: "And, again, it's not y'all's business to know what we discussed ..."

Stephanie, for the win: "Then don't bring it in my house."

Is Courtney eating? She fascinates me!

Stephanie and Brandi are discussing in the bathroom. Brandi is done. 

Hahahaha! Cary: "You guys wanna finish dinner? Or have dessert? I mean," and she trails off. Tiffany's staring at someone, most likely Brandi.

Marie actually cracks a smile when there's a toast.

Brandi is eating.

"I was hoping that this weekend would be a chance to get to know LeeAnne and her friends and unfortunately, that's exactly what happened."

As Cary says, "Hash tag worst girls trip ever."

Next time on the season finale: Wait. Let me savor writing those words. Stephanie and Travis are planning their party for the Byron Nelson. I don't think LeeAnne is invited. Cary lets Dr. Deuber in on the rumors that LeeAnne is spreading about their marriage. Cary confronts LeeAnne.

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