Previously: Brandi stank up the joint with her fake poop-laden hat at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party and Luncheon. LeeAnne dealt with it head-on, tattling to a society scion. We learned that Brandi learned early to stand up for herself, and she tells us what we already knew, that she doesn’t care what you think. And Tiffany Hendra and Keith Suburban went house-hunting and ended up at odds over living in Dallas.
We start tonight's journey with Brandi Redmond and her dogs hanging out in the bedroom as husband Bryan packs for another business trip.
Brandi says she might climb into his suitcase and go with him. Her face is so long, I almost believe she just might. There's lots of sighing in this scene. One thing about this iteration of Housewives: When they find something that's actually effective, they ride that thing like a horse. And Brandi's sighing is one of them.
Anyhoo, LeeAnne Locken is with the dogs, too. In the confessional, she talks about her manfriend, Rich. (Are they trying to make a point here? Just a question.)
"Rich is the biggest blessing I could have asked for," LeeAnne says, mentioning that they met online. "Thank you, God. ... Are you sure I get to keep him. 'Cause I'm a little cuckoo."
That sound you hear is every viewer coming to the same troubling realization at once:
Are we cuckoo, too, for watching this?
And then a rumble, rumble when we all realize that LeeAnne is already taking on the role of "stepmom" to Rich's 17-year-old daughter, Elise.
Whoa. Heh. That's what Rich said. It's really kind of sweet, though, and humanizes Lightning LeeAnne much more effectively than her conversation with the dog last week. LeeAnne seems to care a great deal about Elise's approval, and that's actually kind of sweet.
Oh, there's Brandi and Stephanie, out having a drink. Or two. Or three.
Stephanie: "Let's pretend like we're 20."
Stephanie: "No, 21 and it's our birthday. Let's do it."
Brandi, who is feeling a little bereft with Bryan gone again, is so there for this.
"If Stephanie was a lesbian, I'd definitely marry her. We would have a pink house with chandeliers and crystal initials on each potty," she says. And I think she means it. The drinktastic duo decides to call Cary Deuber to "come out and play with them" at Bistro 31.
Oh, they know themselves so well: "Stephanie and I get white-girl wasted," says Brandi.
Flyover to LeeAnne, Rich and Elise at Bistecca. Rich is grilling baby girl about her boyfriend. Finally, we get to see those cop skills in action. Well, that is if you didn't catch Rich on The First 48 or Dallas SWAT.
Before we can digest it fully, cut to Cary joining Brandi and Stephanie. Cary greets them with big hugs but you can see she's fully prepared for trouble. The hug never quite makes it to her eyes. Then she lets them know that she's done some living it up her own self. Stephanie's mouth drops open when Cary talks about Mark: "He's my third husband."
Some of the thunder from this announcement has already been stolen since viewers already know this piece of information. Is the implosion of this show an inside job? Who did this?
Brandi: "The thought of three husbands makes me want to be a lesbian."
I'm thinking that Bryan better come home, and soon.
Of course, the drinktastic duo has questions. Who was the first one? Cary married right out of Baylor. The second marriage lasted about three m onths and he was "just gone" when she came home from work one day.
The 21-year-old girls decide to give Cary a new bachelorette party. A woman who is on her third marriage probably just wants some normal in her life. No matter; they decide to take her to a strip club. "Right now."
Just from the first episodes, one would like to think that Cary knows better. And she does: "I feel like this is the start of a really bad chick flick." Say it again, Cary. (Read: We wish. At least then the whole thing would be over in about 100 minutes. There are seven more episodes of this.)
Back to dinner with LeeAnne, Rich and Elise.
We learn a bit more about LeeAnne's life: She was taken in by her grandmother when she was a toddler. But somehow, even that goes back to Rich. LeeAnne felt safe and loved when she was with her grandmother.
And she feels that way about Rich, she says: "I believe my grandmother went to heaven because she met Rich and she knew I was safe."
Uh-oh. You knew it was coming. "I'm really loving where I am," she says, "but it is important to me to sometime get married." Emphasis on the sometime.
Rich is always giving LeeAnne side-eye. This could be a function of the editing, but I don't give them that much credit. What is up with that?
Oh, Stephanie and Brandi. Why must you be greeted at La Bare with hugs?
These two really need a theme song. The one from Cheers wouldn't be a bad place to start. "Where Everybody Knows Your Name," indeed.
Cary wonders if they are regulars. Oh, she knows ... Cary says "I'm excited," but her body language isn't even close to that emotion. Cary goes on to say that she knows owners of restaurants, not owners of strip clubs.
And we all learn something: Brandi dances better than the paid ones at La Bare. We know this because Brandi joins the dancers on the stage, staying up there long enough for the DJ to ruminate about offering her a job.
I. Have. Nothing.
LeeAnne's talking to that dog again. Thank Goodness, Tiffany pays her a visit. LeeAnne pours what seems as if it's a full bottle of wine and Tiffany says "LeeAnne takes day drinking to an art form."
LeeAnne is very comfortable in Tiffany's presence, showing how long they've been friends. They're very casual as LeeAnne describes her day. Rich is at work and LeeAnne has "cleaned" and "Zenned."
Tiffany brings up Mad Hatter's, last week's kitten fight over Brandi's poop-laden hat. Quickly moving into the spot of our favorite, Tiffany says, "I love LeeAnne, but it was a joke."
Look, everybody needs a friend who will call you on your ish. LeeAnne should be thanking God for Tiffany, too. Of course, LeeAnne can't leave bad enough alone: She's asked Snitch Stephanie to break bread with her to talk about the charity event. LeeAnne is afraid of guilt by association and wants to teach them the rules of the charity world. But then, snap! She spits out that she thinks "Brandi is so stupid that she just can't put two and two together."
Blah, blah, blah women's council, 27 years, blah, blah, blah.
And then, real fighting words (sorry, Plano): "I feel sorry for her daughters. I really do. 'Cause I don't know how those girls are gonna grow up. It won't be with class."
First off, leave the children out of it. Second, mind your own business. Third: Really?!
Oh, Brandi and Stephanie are sitting on the steps outside the house. Brandi tears up. She tells Stephanie that she told Bryan what happened at the strip club and now he's upset and she is, too.
Bryan, please give your wife some attention. Then she'll quit needling LeeAnne and imbibing Jesus Juice so much and generally acting out. Stephanie asks her if she wants a hug. I say yes.
Oh, yeah, it's about time. Keith Suburban, um Aaron Hendra, is singing and strumming in the garage. Tiffany continues to day drink while he plays a song that's not offensive at all. She says she spent 16 years in LA and she's been back in Dallas for one and a half.
"He brought me home," she says. "I feel responsible to help him out."
He's a grown man, Tiffany. But we feel you.
So Tiffany has an idea to host her own charity event at which Keith Suburban will entertain. Tiffany thinks it will perhaps help her gain respect because she's feeling a bit of shade being cast from people that LeeAnne introduces her to. I'm gonna say this once. Some of that comes from how the introduction is made, doll.
And there Keith Suburban goes, melting hearts with his cute self: "Maybe you need to find some new friends in Dallas."
Tiffany surprises and agrees. By gosh, she moved here to start over and that means expanding her circle of friends -- "outside of LeeAnne." But this is reality TV, so she can't stray too far past the cast list: "I really want to know Cary more ... the kicker is she and LeeAnne don't get along."
Suburban reads my mind: "Does LeeAnne get along with anyone? Except you?"
Heh. He really should have a more expanded role.
Someone promised me more, that maybe Dr. Mark Deuber had a secret. Alas, it was not to be.
Tiffany and Keith Suburban visit Cary to make a video for her fashion blog and YouTube channel Sanctuary of Style in "a good excuse to get to know her better."
When Tiffany expresses amazement after Cary talks about a pair of shoes that Mark picked out, Cary says, "Yeah. He's my wife."
Prediction: Mark is going to blow one day. Or maybe I'm projecting.
Tiffany doesn't blink and asks Mark to give shopping pointers to Suburban, who mumbles and excuse about getting something from the car and leaves.
"I promise I'm into girls," Mark says. His wife: "Sometimes too much."
Come on, now. You two started out with this great role reversal thing going on and now there's just no respect behind it. Cary's barely hiding her contempt and Mark is barely hiding his amusement. Cary may not even realize she's showing her contempt but one day Mark will. Advice: Shut. Up.
When Mark tells Tiff that he loves what she's wearing, Cary says, "I think Mark might have found my first sister wife." Tiff is a peacemaker, even when she doesn't know that's what she's doing and invites Mark to be on the webisode. Mark says, "I love girls clothes." Oh, baby, it shows.
Cary can't resist another dig: "Mark totally took over the shoot. If he had hair, he'd flip it."
Swoop on into Brandi's kitchen, where her mom is making a blender full of drinks. She's there to help with the kids while Bryan is away.
They get serious. Brandi learns that the reasons that she thought her grandfather disowned her mom are false. Mom cries: "My dad wants to meet you all."
Of course, Brandi needs a drink after this.
Back to Tiffany, Mark, Keith Suburban and Cary in the kitchen after the video shoot: Tiffany asks Mark about her neck. Dr. Deuber shoots and scores when he tells her she doesn't need it. I'm blowing kisses at the screen. I hope he feels the love. Cary calls him "lucky No. 3.")
Tiff and Suburban tell their meet-cute story, which doesn't bear repeating unless they let go with some more detail.
Mark closes out the scene with a jab at his wife: "My closet is better than hers."
Bumper: LeeAnne threatens to make the girls understand the rules. More later.
We're back with Tiffany and LeeAnne, and LeeAnne endears herself with a snort while she's laughing. Don't judge me; my affections are easily won.
I've gone from having high standards to no expectations. It makes it easier to recap.
LeeAnne and Tiffany are packing and sorting clothes for charity. Tiffany's pouring it on, telling LeeAnne about her visit to Cary's and that she would like her. LeeAnne ain't picking up what she's putting down. No one believes it, Tiffany.
Tiff says, "I am a peacekeeper. And I do want to nurture a friendship with Stephanie and Cary."
LeeAnne's stare is tantamount to a full-on assault. I'm glad Tiffany knew better than to include Brandi in that conversation or else Rich might be called back into action on The First 48.
Tiffany acknowledges that Stephanie and Brandi are a set. LeeAnne does the valiant thing. She won't stand in the way of Tiff spreading her wings, but she's gonna educate the other women.
This will not end well. And now I can stop laughing.
LeeAnne says she does not like drama.
Tiffany: "LeeAnne saying she does not like drama is like Charlie Sheen saying he doesn't like hookers." Man, I wish these women threw this much shade at each other.
Bryan's home. Brandi says they're barely speaking, and their kitchen convo does seem quite awkward. The strip club is the elephant in the room. So Brandi practices some positive redirection. She wants to invite her mom's dad, someone she's never met, to the house. Bryan says he doesn't even know the man's name. Wow. They are so close.
This show is doing a horrible job of showing, not telling. One thing does not flow into the other and the audience is left filling in the gaps. Brandi says she feels as if she isn't being loved as much in return.
The flyover lands at Bread Winners Cafe where Cary and Stephanie are waiting on LeeAnne.
"I've been in surgery for the last five hours working on boobs, and I'm not exactly excited to see another one," says Cary. Oh, there's a shade tree. Stephanie's worried, but Cary says she'll just be honest and that she can be louder than even LeeAnne.
Please, please show that. Stephanie, like me, is prepared to take in the show.
They're all casually dressed, with Cary in scrubs. I don't know. That just felt like a detail folks should know because some of you may have checked out by now.
LeeAnne begins her lesson about "the process of being involved in charity, the process of earning your wings."
LeeAnne, honey, listen. They don't care as much as you do. It doesn't mean they don't care at all. But I don't know if the Pope cares as much as you do.
So quit trying to make fetch happen.
LeeAnne has "props and handouts." She shows and tells what "the media" is saying. She's talking about Oh So Cynthia. Stephanie describes: "LeeAnne's friend has a blog ... it's kinda the TMZ of the charity world." And then she puts the fake poop on the table.
Cary's head is already in her hands. This will not end well, either. Nor should it. Let's all say it with Cary: "This is ridiculous." BTW, what's this Highlander, go-to-war music that they're playing? Oh, because out of the bright blue Texas sky, LeeAnne says, "Bow at me. See how it goes." Ludacris, please pick up the white phone in the lobby.
Cary is a goddess. She says, "Good." Stephanie actually joins the fray; I guess she figures there's safety in numbers. She rides hard for Brandi. But it's almost too late; I, too, follow Cary's lead and my head is in my hands.
LeeAnne continues: Blah, blah, blah, respect.
And then the moment that the show has teased for the entire season: Cary says, "Why are you trying to act like this Dallas socialite. You have to be born into that."
Cary continues, saying "I don't want to fight." And then, maybe this got lost in the editing, but LeeAnne says, "You don't [expletive] know me, [expletive]." Almost out of thin air...
Next: Brandi and Stephanie ride along. Brandi tells LeeAnne that she is full of it, maybe so full of it that she floats. Stephanie cries and says, "She's crazy."
Cary was on Watch What Happens Live on Monday night. When asked about LeeAnne, she said LeeAnne was "insecure." And went on to say she thinks it's because she has a career, husband and a great family, "and, you know, she doesn't." LeeAnne tweeted at the show in response. Good thing this year's Mad Hatter's Tea and Luncheon has passed, or there might be some actual poop being flung.