So, they didn't waste any time, did they?
Real Housewives of Dallas on Bravo opened with quick cuts of our area and the first question pops up: Cows?!
The first episode is clearly a setup. Patience, viewers.
Cary Deuber is the early leader in the clubhouse, with a tagline victory: "I'm not a trophy wife," she quips. "I'm a lifetime achievement award." You immediately feel sorry for her husband.
Viewers get up close with Brandi Redmond first, who is in turns endearing, bubbly and a little spacey. We learn that the former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader loves Dallas, where she's been for about 15 years (if she's done her math right, she says) and that she and her husband Brian started dating in the 8th grade. They have two little girls. And, count with me now, because this will be a thing: There's poop reference No. 1 in the story of when Brian proposed.
Next up is LeeAnne Locken, though they soft-serve her as she and friend Tiffany Hendra go shopping for a dress to wear during spring charity season. Oh, but you gotta be quicker than that: When LeeAnne asks about a dress, Vintage Martini owner Ken Weber steals the scene and says, "I love you but it's not gonna fit you." What, you only carry one size? They do not shop where I shop. Onward ...
LeeAnne offers some real talk, especially in the social-media age: "You cannot be caught in the same dress twice." And then, some just-this-side-of-real talk when she says in a confessional that charity is "like a full-time job for me."
LeeAnne is "like, the mayor of Dallas," Tiffany says. Someone tell Mike Rawlings; I'm sure he'd take the help.
Wait, I got it: LeeAnne is in the service industry. She hooks up charities with the money bags. There is honor in that, "Mouth of the South." LeeAnne's ready, too, and it's almost an indictment.
"The carnival really kind of prepared me for life in Dallas society," says LeeAnne. Hnh.
Next stop is the Lemmon Avenue Surgery Center where we meet Cary mid-surgery at work as a registered nurse. Ah, you knew you liked her. And then she gives the secret to being a woman in Dallas: great shoes, a great handbag and boobs. So, maybe you won't like her as much as you first did. She does "Boobs by Deubs": Her husband, Mark Deuber, is a plastic surgeon and she assists him with surgeries.
Back to Brandi, who has been "best friends" with Stephanie -- fingers crossed, please let it last the season -- for seven years. They met through their husbands Brian and Travis, who are also best friends.
Uh-oh: Brandi says "life is always a little more fun with Jesus juice." She says she calls it that because Jesus turned water to wine and you can take communion as much as you want, any time of day. Then she says, "Women in Dallas are so ridiculous ..." Watch your mouth, honey. Viewers get that you're talking about a different scene, but taken out of context, it's gonna stir some gut reactions.
But we're at Stephanie's house, where Travis leaves a list of things the housewife can do "to make my money in the marriage." First up, program the garage door opener.
This could be a running joke: How many housewives does it take to program a garage door opener?
Our Brandi has a slick mouth, but she loves her some Stephanie. This is the kind of love they write twisted movies about. To wit:
"She will fart on command and I will dance in her fart."
Soft-spoken Stephanie, from a small town in Oklahoma where they don't dance, has a 6-year-old named Chance and a 4-year-old, Cruz. We met them a little earlier as his mother told stories about how one of them collected dog poop (I think we shall have to stop counting poop references because it's already getting old) to put in the pool.
The arc of her relationship with her husband gives new meaning to the phrase drunk in love: They met, they got hammered, they made out, repeat, and six months later, they were married. Ah, were it so easy for the rest of us. She says, "I'm goofy ..." and here it goes again, "I can fart on command." And suddenly, this got more interesting. Something to look forward to in coming episodes?
And then we're in the car, where every mother has had the same thought: Jesus, take me now. (You say it, but you don't mean it.) I think that's Cruz crying, looking uncomfortable in his booster seat as he promises that he has to poop. She says she's totally OK with the rapture happening right now.
Back to Cary: "Mark's totally my wife ... he loves to shop and cook," she says. So, gender role reversal.
Then LeeAnne goes there: "She's a little pony that married very well."
These quick cuts are good, Bravo. They keep viewers from getting bored.
If bathroom humor were a theme, charity is now another one. Cary hosts an event at her house for the Doris Daniely Outreach. Carol Autry, founder of the organization that helps cancer survivors with breast reconstruction surgery, gets caught in LeeAnne's tornado. But it's in a good way, as she gets a business contact.
Brandi and Stephanie are in the kitchen, talking about pooping and farting because that's where you do that, and it puts LeeAnne out. I want to know why she's all swimming up in their poop-scented Kool-Aid.
LeeAnne blows up the Dallas Twitter-sphere when she says, "It's a little Plano in here." Ouch.
Next, we have the sweet love story of Tiffany and her husband, Aaron. She takes him to Guitar Sanctuary in McKinney to get him a real Texas guitar. She says they were in LA and he had a recording contract but he moved here for her. He just needs gigs to give him exposure and says "I'm gonna do whatever it takes" to make it happen. Real Housewives of Dallas, 1. Whatever he was doing in LA, 0.
But it's much more fun to hear LeeAnne complain about Brandi and Stephanie.
She says they're "really pretty girls who don't want to work for a living." I'm just going to let that sit there. I predict that these will become fighting words. Also, you know we'll be coming back to this later: LeeAnne turns wistful and says that Rich says they will get married someday. And LeeAnne wants to be married.
Stephanie finally lights the fireworks when she tells Cary over an unseen lunch that Brandi does a killer impression of LeeAnne. Brandi's mood completely changes when she tells her what she told Cary. Honey, ain't no amount of Jesus juice gonna help that.
It pops off at friend Marie Reyes' house, where her husband Angel doesn't seem quite sure what he's gotten himself into. Marie is chatting with the other housewives, as friends do, when LeeAnne calls her name once, twice, three times. She's being annoying and obviously just trying to commandeer the friend. She had told Tiffany earlier about the mimic. Tiffany, for her part, seems as though she's really interested in the impression when LeeAnne comes a-knockin'.
Is Brandy being bullied? I think, maybe.
LeeAnne: "I'm loud, aggressive and outgoing."
Walk away, Brandi. Don't engage. Oh, she didn't listen. "I feel sorry for you," Brandi says after she and LeeAnne take a seat away from the others. I'm thinking Brandi might need some of those safety features from the previous car commercial. She and an increasingly agitated LeeAnne seem to be in a different conversation. And then, scene.
In Episode 2, there's a whole lot of shouting going on.
S/N: Brandi was on Watch What Happens Live after the premiere and threw the gauntlet down with this gem about LeeAnne in answer to a viewer question: "She's never really accomplished anything in her life." She also stuck up for Plano. Shots: fired.
Oh, and host Andy Cohen stole all of my lines: He called it "South by South Mess" and "Tex Mess."