As the most divisive, bizarre and, frankly, exhausting U.S. presidential campaign ever crawls sputtering and gasping toward the general election finish line, the word among us common folk is more "can it just be over?" than fervor for a particular candidate.
Whatever happens on Nov. 8, we're gonna need a drink. Can we start now?
Retreat into grateful amnesia
Sure, we could reminisce about the good ol' days, but when it comes to the current political landscape, we'd rather not think of anything at all. Luckily, The Rustic is holding an Election Night Party to Forget on Nov. 8.
The Uptown bar debuted its Trumptini and Hillarita on Super Tuesday; they've brought back those clever-as-all-get-out drinks and added a long lineup of fun alternatives, for those wishing for a better third-party candidate...
And if you go to the polls early, save your "I Voted" sticker. Those wearing one will receive a free appetizer with the purchase of any menu item.
Since they do a better job than CNN or Fox News, we'll just let The Rustic explain your choices:
Trumptini: A rich blend of Karlsson's Gold Vodka and vermouth dusted in gold flakes, served in a martini glass and accompanied by a gold-rimmed plate of caviar. It's fabulous. The best drink ever. But please, keep your hands to yourself!
Hillarita: A frosty cold concoction with a liberal helping of Dulce Vida Tequila and Paula's Orange, delivered in a mason jar by your own private server. Just make sure it doesn't WikiLeak all over you.
The Shrinking Johnson: This relatively unknown cocktail is for those with a libertarian streak. Made with Blue Corn Bourbon from New Mexico -- which is not the same as Mexico -- you may feel like you've wasted your vote.
The Stein: Most of our guests don't even realize it's an option, but we'll pour any of our 40 draft beers you like into an environmentally-friendly stein.
#noneoftheabove: Can't stomach the other options? Order this and let your bartender pick your poison!
Pick your poison, er, pint glass
Since Flying Saucer's election pint glasses' debut in 2004, their sales have correctly predicted the outcome of the United States presidential election. That seems less impressive in retrospect, given the contenders in 2004, 2008 and 2012, but this wheels-off election year will be the true test of beer drinkers' electoral prowess. Want to play? Pick either the "Slick Hilly" or "Big Plans, Small Hands" design at your local Saucer or online. Owner Shannon Wynne puts it best:
"This election is a freak show, and everyone needs a beer to get through it."
Glasses are $8 each, $15 per pair or $185 for a case of 24 -- a great deal if you're throwing an election night party, a statement notes -- if you pick them up in person at one of the three North Texas locations in Addison, Garland or Fort Worth. Not close? Purchase them online for $15, $25 or $210. Leading up to election day, each location will keep a tally of local glass sales on a banner above the bar, and the official Flying Saucer election results will be announced on Nov. 8.
Find internal peace through pizza
Everyone needs a little comfort food now and again, and cheesy, gooey, saucy pizza might just do the trick. Having garnered a reputation for the occasionally crazy pie, Greenville Avenue Pizza Company has once again outdone itself with a ridiculously wonderful homage to this year's presidential candidates. On election day, pick up what GAPC calls
"...life affirming pizza decorated with a sprinkling of cheese in the shape of Clinton's or Trump's face."
It's $10 for a small or $12 for a large, aka "yuuuge," pie, available all day on Nov. 8.
Grab 'em by the cocktail
Actually, let's agree that there will be no more grabbing. Respectfully and politely request one of the Omni hotel's cleverly designed special cocktails, available at Omni Hotel restaurants and bars brand-wide through Nov. 8. Can drink choices be predictive? Drink sales results are updated online every Wednesday, and as of Oct. 26, the Republican drinks have pulled ahead with 42 percent of the votes. Update, Nov. 7: As of the final polling date, Republican drinks held that 42 percent lead for an overall win. More than 1,300 "votes" were cast for both the Republican Trump-tini and the Democratic True Blue Mule, a release says.
You can still get them through closing on Nov. 8. Offerings include:
Republican: Trump-tini, Ruby Red Pence and The Right Manhattan -- a "perfect cocktail for this Manhattan mogul"
Democrat: True Blue Mule, Sugar Kaine Smash and the Hilla-rita -- with a sugar and salt rim to "round out this cocktail's power"
Independent: POTUS Punch -- a "true wildcard"
Get a Bad Hombre or Nasty Woman delivered
No, it's not that kind of deal... The "Bad Hombre" and "Nasty Woman" are special one-day-only pizzas created by Cane Rosso, available on Nov. 8. And, they sound phenomenal.
The Bad Hombre features smoked brisket, roasted jalapenos and house mozzarella, a delicious combination indeed; but, it's the Nasty Woman that breaks the glass-ceiling of mouth-watering recipes. It's made up of caramelized pineapples, roasted jalapenos, prosciutto cotto, and bacon marmalade. Plus, it crashes the biggest Cane Ross barrier of them all: The joint is breaking its "No Ranch Dressing" policy, so you can have your Nasty Women with a side of jalapeno ranch, if you swing that way.
Both pies cost $16, and they will be available at all Cane Ross locations, which will be tallying up sales and releasing results throughout the day before declaring a final winner. "[O]ur version of watching the polling results come in," a release says.
Not leaving the house? We don't blame you. If you're watching at home in Dallas, you can get a Bad Hombre or Nasty Woman brought to you by Cane Rosso's delivery partner, Caviar. (Sorry, only folks within the delivery area near the Deep Ellum location are in luck, for now. Enter your address here to see if you qualify.)
Doughnut worry, be happy
Yeah, we went there. Some days, you need a sugar high to get through, and today is one of those days. Luckily, Krispy Kreme locations nationwide will hand out free doughnuts to those who ask nicely.
Thrillist reports the deal is for those sporting an "I Voted" sticker, but a Krispy Kreme rep confirms that it is open to anyone who asks, regardless of age. So, take your tween to the polls to instill that spirit of civic duty. Then, swing by your nearest KK for a hot, delicious ring of sugar. You both deserve it for making it through the last 18 months.
Eat Mama Trump's meatloaf
Options include Trump Meatloaf Pie -- concocted with the actual recipe of Donald Trump's mother's meatloaf, a statement claims -- and Clinton Ancho Pork Tamale pizza, in honor of one of the candidate's love of Mexican food, Taverna Rossa says.
Wash them down with candidate-inspired cocktails.
The Trump is a "manly" drink, orange in color like the Republican nominee's "fake and bake skin."
The Clinton takes a cue from the Democrat nominee's love of spicy foods and straight up vodka: It's a jalapeno-infused martini with a goat-cheese-and-candied-bacon-stuffed jalapeno garnish.
Feel confident about this polling forecast
The Quarter Bar and Henry's Majestic agree that "Booze Wins" on Nov. 8, and, unlike The Chicago Daily Tribune's infamous incorrect headline in 1948, we aren't expecting any surprises when it comes to that prediction. Both bars are offering special $2 options from open to close on the day of the general election.
The Quarter Bar
The Draft Dodger: any draft beer; Ice Queen: frozen blackberry lemonade; Pant Suit: frozen Jack and Coke; Independent: Pabst Blue Ribbon; Oh, Canada: Canadian whiskey
Like Mr. Trump's tax returns and Secretary Clinton's server, we know less about these cocktails. We can tell you they were created specially by barman Alex Fletcher and come with their own creative names: The Combover, The Deleted Email, What's Aleppo, The Grabber, and What About Nixon
Get more craft beer bang for your buck
Love George Washington? Us too. World of Beer celebrates the country's very first POTUS, a.k.a. the man on the $1 bill, by offering customers' first beer for a buck. Time Money reported the nationwide deal yesterday, and we confirmed with a local branch. Choices are limited to select styles on draught, but we're not inclined to complain when it comes to cheap craft beer. Find a location near you in Fort Worth, Arlington and Plano.
100 percent of voters agree...
Red, blue, right, left -- whomever you poll exiting a restaurant will say that 25 percent off their meal is always welcome. On Nov. 8, restaurants SMOKE (in Dallas and Plano), The Theodore and Bolsa will cut a quarter off the bill for diners who show off their "I Voted" stickers. Wait, wait, you say, some polling places have skimped on the stickers in recent years.
Good news: These spots are willing to take it on good faith if you mention that you cast a ballot in this election, even if you don't have a sticker to show for it. Make like Honest Abe, though, and help return integrity to the American democratic system with a truthful answer.
Still looking for a spot to watch the circus on Nov. 8?