As a millennial, a lot of things are often assumed of me. According to stereotypes, I'm lazy, won't stay in a job for very long, love feeding my narcissism by taking lots of selfies, will never buy a house and am bad at relationships.
But worse than any of those, some people assume that because I'm a millennial, I love brunch.
I don't. Brunch is stupid. My generation's obsession with it is embarrassing. A Time story in 2014 claimed that millennials spend more time planning brunch than they spend planning dates.
What's so great about brunch as an event? Let's break down the supposed pros:
"You can have breakfast food later in the day"
Congrats, you slept too long. But instead of doing the smart thing and skipping straight to lunch, you decided that you really need to start your day with a waffle, even if it's noon.
I'll admit, I'm predisposed to dislike brunch because of its primary food options. Despite claims that it's the most important meal of the day, I've never been a fan of breakfast food. Sure, I like the sugary stuff that's bad for me (mostly doughnuts and chocolate chip muffins), but eggs? Pancakes? Omelets? Toast? No thanks. Sure, bacon is great, but bacon cheeseburgers were invented for a reason. Bacon can't be chained to the mornings.
Also, if you're a millennial, at this point you're an adult. Did you know that you can just make yourself pancakes at home if you want them that bad, even if it's not breakfast time? It's legal and everything.
"There are fun alcoholic drink options"
Mimosas are tasty, but yo, it's eleven o'clock in the morning. What's going on in your life right now that requires you to have bottomless Champagne at this hour?
Look, we all love you, OK? We just want what's best for you, and we're worried that you have a problem. We promise that you can still have a good time at a meal without drinking a cocktail. Have you tried juice? Or perhaps milk? Water, even, has been known to be really good for the human body. Try one of those.
"You get to wear big hats"
I get it. You spent a fortune on a comically over-sized hat for a Kentucky Derby party (because that's the fiscally responsible thing to do, obviously), but you want to be able to wear it more than once a year. But why does brunch have to be the other time? Can't you just wear it to church, like the ladies in all of those "Curtis" comic strips?
If you're just the type of person who likes dressing up in something intentionally ridiculous, then what you really need to get into is pop culture conventions. You could have a blast at a Fan Expo Dallas cosplay contest.
"Brunch is a great excuse to hang out with friends"
You know what else is a great excuse for that? Literally every other meal. In fact, you don't need to eat together in order to spend time with your friends. You can just grab coffee. Or chill out in a park.
Or you can do what I do and just not have many friends at all, thus mostly solving the problem at its source.
"But then what will I tag as #brunch on my #Instagram when I'm living my best #YouthLyfe?"
God made food for eating, not taking pictures of. Surely there's a cat photo on your phone somewhere that you can post instead. (Or, in my case, a rabbit. Find me on Instagram: @BrittonPeele)
Look, in all seriousness, if you love brunch and want to keep enjoying it, have fun. America is a free country. But can we please stop making it such a big lifestyle deal? We're just talking about eggs and sausage.